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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

378 replies

Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:35

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

OP posts:
AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 00:50

whats wrong with a night away,even a weekend?2 weeks is wierd.

SashaSashays · 11/03/2013 00:56

KFC has explained her very valid reasons for making the decision she has, I think its extremely insensitive of you AmberSocks to tell her its terrible.

Her and her DH clearly deserve the break and aren't just abandoning the baby, what is so awful?

MrsPurple · 11/03/2013 00:57

I came across a mother on hkiday years ago who had left her 6 week old at home with her parents for the week she was on holiday. Although i thought it was a bit strange, she had pnd and her dh was trying to help by taking her away. Haveing had children myself and suffered badly with pnd i can see where he was coming from and both sides of this if that is the reason. Got to say i have different frinds who i sometimes think certain things they do with their children isnt how i would do things, but it is their choice. Live by your standards for your family but best not to judge others as none of us are perfect. It sounds to me like you really are only friends due to Dh's friendship.

primigravida · 11/03/2013 01:14

I know a wonderful mother who left her six week old DD with her parents to accompany her husband on a work trip to Canada for two weeks. Her DD is now grown-up and very well adjusted with a close bond to her parents. I think leaving small babies with close family members is ok. I wouldn't do it myself. It's older babies that are harder to leave with people especially around nine-twelve months ime. I think it's stranger that she has her child in full-time childcare even though she doesn't work, but as long as the child is receiving good quality care that is what is important. Grandparents can have fantastic bonds with their grandchildren. My parents are very close to my kids and have looked after my son for a weekend and overnights from the age of one.

BegoniaBampot · 11/03/2013 01:26

I'd say this is very unusual. I wonder how many people (well mums really)would leave their baby of this age for this long. But it's not just about the baby, I really couldn't imagine asking or having someone else (especially older parents) looking after a baby of this age 24/7. i found it difficult and exhausting being up for feeds through the night etc - I couldn't ask someone else to do this for me - It's a huge ask.

LittleChickpea · 11/03/2013 03:32

Firstly, you are coming across extremely judgmental. It's non of your business how this family choose to bring their family up. The children are not been hurt or neglected by the sounds of it. Plus I don't see anything wrong with her having a full time nanny/chidcare if she wants. That's her choice.

Secondly, I don't think there is anything wrong with her taking two week holiday without a two week old baby. The baby is with the PIL

Therefore, I think YABU!

Imaginethat · 11/03/2013 04:07

It's quite long but presumably they have worked it out as a family and believe it's a good plan. You don't know what their reasons are, it could be the way they cope. I think you are being hysterical to the point of ridiculous actually. And you sound v bitchy.

LittleChickpea · 11/03/2013 04:20

Imaginethat' I agree. It does sound bitchy and maybe a bit envious too. Sorry OP, but it's how it reads.

mathanxiety · 11/03/2013 04:35

My exMIL bragged to me that she left her youngest (aged 2 weeks) with her mother while she went off on holiday with the other six DCs and exFIL. She also used to brag to me that she never once got up in the night to attend to a crying baby. I never liked exMIL.

Timetoask · 11/03/2013 04:45

I could never leave my baby for so long for the sake of a holiday.
Op, it sounds like you and her are totally incompatible and I can see why it would be difficult to maintain a real friendship with her. Best to just keep her as an acquiatance.

MarjorieAntrobus · 11/03/2013 04:51

I left my 8-week-old DC4 and 19-month-old DC3 with DH plus nanny, in order to go away with DC1 & 2 who were 5 and 3 at the time. Probably I was judged. Who cares? Was away for four nights. Had PND at the time. Everyone who cared for me was trying to help me.

Maybe this is how your friend is, OP?

lilypaige · 11/03/2013 04:55

I cant understand a mother wanting to be away from her baby that young, I went away for a weekend when dd was a few months older and missed her like crazy. But thats just me, each to their own and all that.

Labootin · 11/03/2013 05:04

I wondered if there would be a watersking comment ..VG trolley

HollyBerryBush · 11/03/2013 05:58

Cruise? post partum bleeding? Don't believe a word of it.

appletarts · 11/03/2013 06:20

This reply has been deleted

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5madthings · 11/03/2013 06:54

APPLETARTS Did you actuallu read what kfc said?!! If anyone on here is a disgrace its you!! And i am.sure all.of kfcchildren will be fine including the baby.

kfc enjoy your break and ignore those who are probably just jealous xxx

ClairesTravellingCircus · 11/03/2013 07:14

What a horrible post appletarts

EmmaBemma · 11/03/2013 07:21

This reply has been deleted

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HeadFairy · 11/03/2013 07:22

I had a friend who went to Ibiza for two weeks when her ds was 8 weeks old... I couldn't understand it one bit, and to be honest her parenting of that poor child hasn't been great. She's left him long term in the care of her very elderly mother, hasn't let having a child really change her life in any way. Mind you he was conceived with someone she barely knew, had no intention of having a relationship with, and broke up with pretty much as soon as she was pg. Poor child is a nervy jumpy kid with what I think come across as attachment issues (disclaimer: I'm not a child psychologist)

I find it hard to remain friends with her and we hardly see each other now.

ubik · 11/03/2013 08:09

You sound lovely apple tarts...Hmm

LittleChickpea · 11/03/2013 08:16

Appletarts and Amber' what horrible and downright nasty comments. You are both so well out of order it's beyond belief.

KFC don't let nasty, bitter, twisted comments about your holiday get to you. I wish you and your DH an amazing break. It's sounds like you both need one. Good on you for taking some time out

Soditall · 11/03/2013 08:19

I think that's horrible.YANBU.

It's so far away from how I am with my children that I couldn't be friends with someone like that,we'd just be to different.

I don't blame you for not wanting to see her anymore.

By the way what does her husband think?Mine would think I'd lost the plot if I suggested we went away for 2 weeks and left a tiny baby with someone else.

5madthings · 11/03/2013 08:23

I am quite shocked, well not really this is mnet after all, at some if the posts.

Its not what I would do, co'sleeping, sling wearing mummy that I am when mine are little...but I really don't see what is so wring with leaving baby with grandparents. Maybe the country they are going to is not great for babies, maybe there is an issue with vaccinations? Baby won't have had them all and may be too young for some travel ones?! Maybe they just want a break?

No-one would say how crap it was for a dad to go away for work etc and its his baby as well.

As I said it wouldn't be my choice but my youngest is 26mths now and if someone would gave my five for the weekend I would jump at the chance tbh. I front think I could leave them for two weeks because I wouldn't like it. But my elder three would be fine, ds4 would prob be OK too, not sure about dd, she ius at an age where she might not like it.

But at 8wks, the baby won't remember, I am sure grandparents will do a good job and I don't think two weeks with another family member Caring for them us going to damage the baby and its attachment to its parents, presumably the grandparents are close to them and will continue to be involved so its just more people in the babies life who care and love the baby.

As I said it wouldn't be my choice but some oif the comments and venom on this thread are vile.

Op you are not this woman's friend, so stop pretending you are,

Branleuse · 11/03/2013 08:23

I wouldn't be impressed

pictish · 11/03/2013 08:27

To each their own. Appletarts your post was horrid, and Amber you can pipe down as well.

This el thicko attitude some folks have that if someone doesn't do it their way, they're doing it the wrong way.

What a load of old shit.