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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

378 replies

Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:35

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

OP posts:
fuzzysnout · 10/03/2013 20:38

Alliwant has it just right. Let's stop pretending with the "don't be so judgey" rubbish. We all judge & that includes you - yes you!
Judge away, it's natural!

Original poster
Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 20:44

I'm no expert on PND so would not make assumptions as to whether or not she has it but, from what I have seen of her she hasn't been any different from usual in mood or personality. The fact is she has much closer friends and family than I that she would speak to about such things before me and we don't really have that kind of relationship which is obviously a good thing for her as it seems I'm such a miserable cow!

OP posts:
appletarts · 10/03/2013 20:59

Needbooze, attachment theory isn't all about disorders and is still the leading theory in child development work. AP is silly nonsense which thinks attachment is about carrying baby close to your body when in fact it is about the relationship. Anyhow, doesn't sound like that's all much interest to you. Funny you like teenage years, that's the bit when they sod off isn't it. Like I said each to their own but I disagree baby isn't fussed about mum being around.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/03/2013 21:00

I suppose that we don't understand a lot of each other's choices. I see many posters on here giving details of what they do and being very pleased with themselves for it; some of the things they say they do makes me wonder a bit but shrug. You never know why people do anything and it's a bit of a waste of time to give it more than an idle thought as you just don't have the information.

... and the posters who say, "I'm not mother of the week or anything..." they clearly think they are in every way superior. There's judging and then there's posting your judgemental views seeking like-minded validation of them. That's something very different in my book.

squeakytoy · 10/03/2013 21:01

I spent the first six weeks of my life in a foster home, with biological mother and future adoptive mother visiting me every day.. I have no recollection of it, and was a very chilled out happy baby and child...

TheSeatbeltSignIsOn · 10/03/2013 21:04

There is no way in a million years that I would have left mine as a baby, or even through primary years, really, to go on holiday for 2 weeks.

But my Mum had an aquaintance that she considered 'cold' to her child, and she sent the child to a residential boarding school at 3, and then killed herself.

I remember going to that woman's house when I was about 3 or 5, she seemed a kind, lively and chatty woman.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 10/03/2013 21:07

YADNBU. A baby shouldn't be something you just hand out to people (even loving relatives) just because they are an inconvenience to your holiday plans (two weeks without you completely is different to sharing care regularly when you are around or out for a few hours a day and you come back to them, still see them most/ every day at some point).

Obviously there are other circumstances which would be more understandable, eg illness, working, etc however this just seems selfish and no way would I be friends with someone like this. I would also be very glad they wouldn't want to be my friend for judging them.

I also agree with other posters that think that if this were similar circumstances from a parent in different economical/social circumstances it would be judged far more harshly

Lucyellensmum95 · 10/03/2013 21:12

To be entirely honest, you sound a bit jealous

catgirl1976 · 10/03/2013 21:14

It's not something I could have done but you really don't sound like you like this woman anyway pre her doing this and this has just given you and excuse / push to end the friendship.

Fakebook · 10/03/2013 21:16

What a bloody lucky woman and what a lucky baby. I wish my mum had been alive when my dd was born, because I would have done the same and my mum would have flipping loved it and forced me to go and have some fun. That's the kind of person she was.

Yabvu. Judgemental. Maybe a tiny bit jealous? She left the baby with her parents, not a stranger or a friend. The baby didnt lose routine or suffer jet lag, neither did she have to suffer the heat of a hotter country. The grandparents had quality time with their grandchild. The mother and father had a relaxing holiday without having to worry about nappies and shit. It's a win-win situation all round. I find it extreme you'd stop meeting someone over this. Very extreme.

AlwaysWashing · 10/03/2013 21:17

Seems like bizzare behaviour on her part but if she wasn't particularly hands on with the first one perhaps it's not pnd this time round and she is simply not that child focused?
Yes you're being judgemental but as others have said; bollocks to the non judgy thing, none of us are perfect even the Mumsnetters who would have you believe they walk on water.
Also as someone else said being her friend would be far too much like hard work when your views/opinions/ lives are so very different. I'd ditch her without a second thought as she was kind of foisted on you anyway being the wife of DH colleague.
For what it's worth I don't think you're a bitch, "judgy" or BU and from what you've said I feel quite sorry for her DC too.

nittynittynora · 10/03/2013 21:17

YANBU. I have a friend a bit like this though I've distanced myself from her since she became a mother. I was v surprised when she announced her pregnancy as she is the least maternal person I have ever met and obsessed by her career. She showed no interest in her baby during pregnancy, said she couldn't be bothered decorating his room or buying stuff, the only enthusiasm she showed was when she found a nursery that was open from 7 till 7 at night. Once he was born she said she could not be bothered to breastfeed either, and refused and still refuses to get up for night feeds as she 'needs' a full night's sleep. When her baby was 3 weeks old she phoned her boss saying she was coming back to work early as she was 'so bored' at home and liked her baby better when she didn't have to be with him all the time.

She went back to work when her ds was 12 weeks old even though she could have taken far more paid leave. Her first week back she went away for a week on an overseas trip.

I know MN can be all about putting yourself first and not being a martyr but I'm afraid I judged, I don't know why on earth she had a baby as she shows little interest in him and I find it very difficult to be friends with her any more. I feel sorry for her baby. Call me judgy pants, I don't care.

OP, yanbu. Leaving your 8 week old baby for 2 weeks if you don't have to is not normal in my book if you have developed a proper, healthy attachment to your baby. I would judge massively too.

nittynittynora · 10/03/2013 21:21

Lucy, she doesn't sound jealous in the slightest - just shocked that anyone would leave their small baby for that amount of time, it's cold and uncaring!

Original poster
Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 21:31

And seeking a different perspective is very different to seeking validation.

I enjoy the irony in your comment, it just goes to show that even those that believe themselves to be non-judgmental are happy to post their judgmental beliefs about us judgy folk!

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 10/03/2013 22:08

It's off in my book OP.

Yes, she does sound selfish.

Would I judge her? Oh yes I would.

I'd judge her no end and not want to be her friend, it would come up time and time again and I wouldn't actually want her as a friend.

idiot55 · 10/03/2013 22:13

yes, whats all this judging problem I see everywhere on mums net. stating the facts isnt making a judgment.

I wouldnt want to be her friend, oh what about the husband , he must have had a say in this also.

very very odd

INeedThatForkOff · 10/03/2013 22:14

YANBU, that's sad. My judgypants would be hoiked up so far that I'd have an attractive camel toe.

PromQueenWithin · 10/03/2013 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernLurker · 10/03/2013 22:17

I agree that she could she have been depressed? That is a very odd thing to do otherwise. I don't buy all this 'each to their own' stuff either. Some things are crappy things to do. Deciding you can't be bothered with a very young baby is one of them.

fromparistoberlin · 10/03/2013 22:21

nittynittynora

ewwww. I do NOT blame you for disliking your friend

neglect clearly occurs in all walks of life

sad

Cherriesarelovely · 10/03/2013 22:22

I would "judge" someone who behaved like that too OP. I find it really ridiculous that people are being all "how dare you judge her". MN would come to a grinding halt if no one made any judgements about anyone else....particularly in AIBU! I'm not sure that I would never speak to her again etc but I would find it hard to relate to someone like that. I DO think it is strange and sad to have a child and then to put them in full time childcare when you don't even work let alone leaving your young baby for 2 weeks to go on holiday.

teatrolley · 10/03/2013 22:26

Will she be water-skiing?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/03/2013 22:30

You're not seeking different perspectives, OP, you want a stream of shocked 'YANBU'... don't dress it up as anything else, please, it looks silly.

Everybody 'judges'; not everybody posts a disingenuous thread like this one to do it. For your friend's sake, drop her.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 10/03/2013 22:30

I love my judgy pants... they are warm and fuzzy and leopard print.

anyway... GOD yes.. bad form take the baby with you!!!

we met a couple on holiday a couple of years ago.. they were having a "babymoon" away from the 6 week old baby who was at home with the live in nanny. they hadn't had any "couple time" since baby came so flying to Thailand for 2 weeks was the only option.

I just don't get it. - needing a break yes.. more than a night ... no

ChairmanWow · 10/03/2013 22:31

Look, just ditch her. You're obviously disgusted with her, and if I was her I'd be pretty disgusted at having my choices paraded all over MN for people to tut at.

Not something I'd choose to do but unless the child is regularly dumped and ignored I doubt it will have any long-term impact at all. None of us know her and she's being judged very harshly indeed. Maybe she ^isa shit parent, maybe she's struggling, maybe she thinks a one-off holiday is best before the whole separation anxiety bit kicks in.

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