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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

378 replies

Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:35

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

OP posts:
fluffypillow · 10/03/2013 22:35

Very strange and selfish thing to do.

I just couldn't/wouldn't do it. What makes this 'mother' think that this is an appropriate way to behave?

I couldn't be 'friends' with someone like that for long, my big gob would get the better of me, and I'd end up telling her exactly what I thought! Perhaps that is what she needs...........a wake up call.

Can't believe people on here are saying she shouldn't be judged.......... of course she should be judged Confused

manicinsomniac · 10/03/2013 22:38

I think a tiny baby would be more able to cope with this than an older one.

My children have been used to being passed around to all and sundry from day one. They were in full time nursery from 6 or 8 weeks old. I left them overnight from 2 months old. As tiny babies it didn't seem to bother them in the slightest. But there was a window between about 9 and 18 months when they were more clingy and couldn't be left as easily.

Posterofapombear · 10/03/2013 22:39

I would not be able to be friends with her. I couldn't keep the judge look off my face.

Why have a baby if you intend to treat it like baggage?

And alternative theories to attachment still include the mother being around and really only leaving the baby for necessary work, not to fuck off on holiday for a bit.
Hmm

Yfronts · 10/03/2013 22:43

I don't have any friends like yours. Sorry. How was her own childhood? I wonder if there were attachment issues for her as a baby/toddler?

ivanapoo · 10/03/2013 22:43

What nitty said. I can't imagine doing this and I know DH couldn't either. my MIL went away for 2 weeks leaving her PFB with a nanny when she was something like 4 months, I was quite shocked

I don't get this "right on" none-of-your-business anti-judge rubbish either.

If we didn't make judgements we'd be paralysed... All those sanctimonious people saying YABU for judging and a crap friend are surely judging YOU anyway, aren't they?

TheSecondComing · 10/03/2013 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffypillow · 10/03/2013 22:44

maybe she thinks a one-off holiday is best before the whole separation anxiety bit kicks in.

I would expect a mother to have separation anxiety if she left her small baby for 2 weeks Confused

It's not normal.

Xmasbaby11 · 10/03/2013 22:45

I would be horrified to. You don't consider her to be a friend, which means you probably don't understand each other very well. I can't see the point in being friends in this case.

SashaSashays · 10/03/2013 22:47

On one level I can relate and yet 8 weeks does seem young to me for that length of time. I've normally had a night away from my dcs before they are a couple of weeks old and I have been on holidays without my babies and once they were older.

It probably wouldn't be my personal preference but I don't think it's neglectful or really awful. It depends on the relationships people have as well, im very close to my parents, see them nearly daily and would be fine to leave a baby of that age with them without instructions, others cant imagine such a situation. Obviously I don't know this woman's circumstances, maybe she (or anyone who makes similar decisions) had an awful pregnancy, traumatic birth, a nightmare newborn, isn't a baby person and just needed to get away for her own sanity. Plus if she trusts her parents implicitly it might seem a good set up.

Some people are very precious about their DC, others less so. I do hate this children always come first nonsense, its not something i follow a all. I think the real test will be in the future, to see what her relationship is like with her kids.

You obviously find this an issue so don't be friends with her, although maybe sharing your views and hearing her side will do you both good.

dashoflime · 10/03/2013 22:51

Re The holiday: 8 week olds are too young to experience separation anxiety. They are in the business of forming an attachment to a primary care giver, yes, but that attachment is not set in stone so in principle the baby should be fine

Re Full time child care: Mothering takes place in the evening and weekend as well so again, not terrible in principle.

However: the two things together do raise red flags with me. She seems a bit indifferent towards them. I would be interested in how she is with her children when they are together. Is she warm and responsive towards them?

Tryharder I don't think having money is any guarantee that the kids will be O.K. I have a friend who's very wealthy Mum left her with all sorts of different nannies, childminders and boarding schools and showed very little interest in how she was treated. She had a very hard childhood and has a lot of problems now.
It was her situation that came to mind reading this.

Sallystyle · 10/03/2013 22:56

YANBU. I would be judgy here too.

I could never have left my 8 week old baby for 2 weeks. Over night? sure, but 2 weeks? no.

And I am not an attached at the hip type of parent. I love it when my boys' go away with their dad for a few days Hmm but they aren't 8 weeks old and it isn't for 2 weeks.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/03/2013 23:02

Refering to Nitty and Nevers posts, did those parents actually just have kids to test if their reproductive skills are ship shape.

My DD is 5 and spends the holidays with her DGP's, within an hour of her going, im as bored and lonely as hell, i miss her so much, if she was an 8 week old, i'd never let her out of my sight.

Cherriesarelovely · 10/03/2013 23:05

I agree Greg it does make you wonder why some people have kids.

ukatlast · 10/03/2013 23:08

YANBU
Sounds like you didn't gel anyway and this was the final straw. I could never leave an 8 week old baby for 2 hours never mind 2 weeks. I too would judge.
The trouble with staying friends with her when you disapprove of her neglectful parenting choices is that she will likely throw comments back at you about your ways of doing stuff.
If you don't enjoy her company, just let it fizzle out.

WhatsTheBuzz · 10/03/2013 23:18

it's
weird, weird, weird. What a selfish twat. And seriously, some of you
and your 'don't be so judgy' bullshit, get over yourselves!!

MrsSham · 10/03/2013 23:21

Forming Strong and consistent Attachment is important in a child's first few years of development therefore I doubt very much that two weeks for an 8 week old would creat attachment problems. I think that a strong and consistent attachment would still be formed if when the parent is there she is emotionally available. More than one attachment can also be formed so it could be argued that the child can develop more than one attachment therefore with a grandparent etc so mum being away for two weeks whilst the baby is left with another Carer would also not damage attachment.

I agree its not something I would do, but that is as a result of my own moral and emotional judgement, whilst I still don't think it would be damaging to the child.

As others have said you don't seem to like her very much anyway, so if you chose not to carry on the friendship that is fair enough.

nightowlmostly · 10/03/2013 23:28

Why don't you judge the dad just as much OP? I agree it sounds a bit unusual, but I'm sure the baby will be fine with grandparents.

midastouch · 10/03/2013 23:36

YANBU i cant understand how anyone could leave an 8 week old baby for 2 weeks, thats such a long time surely you'd miss so much! i havent ever left my 11 month old DD or my DS 3.8 for more than 2 days while i was in labour which i suppose some people would find weird.

KentuckyFriedChildren · 10/03/2013 23:40

Dh and I are going away in 4 weeks on holiday without the children. Dd2 will be 20 weeks. We are going without them for several reasons- because we need a break and taking the kids will not be a break, because we are going to a hot country (dh's home country) and I don't feel that it will be suitable for a baby who is not used to heat, because the older children were already going to be at my ils for the week as we are going in the easter hols and mil likes to get some time with them so we didn't want to take the baby and leave them, because it is likely to be the only respite we get from having a special needs child (plus the other two) until the end of the summer when ils will have them again for a week (but dh will be working). Dh has had to pay someone to cover him for the time we will be away as he is self employed and we are having to pay for the dog to go to the kennels etc. This holiday is a massive deal for both of us, and we are both a bit apprehensive about leaving the baby, but it is both a fantastic opportunity for us to have some actual time alone together and most likely will be the only holiday we have for several years. I know that dd2 is very young, but we have thought about it long and hard before deciding to do this- maybe your "friend" feels the same?

Thingiebob · 10/03/2013 23:48

I don't understand. I have a three year old and haven't left her with anyone else for more than three days at a time, and that was with her father. I co-sleep, had a bash at breastfeeding, used a sling and all that other attachment stuff but I am slightly alarmed at the responses on this thread.

Is it really 'selfish' and 'disgusting', 'horrifying' for a woman to go on holiday with her DH when her child is two months old? Presumably the child was safe, and looked after and so on.

There are some huge overreactions on this thread!

simplesusan · 11/03/2013 00:22

What does her dh say about it all?
Surely it is his decision too.

AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 00:35

for gods sake what is wrong with people,are we actually saying that its ok to pop out kids and then never see them just because we would rather go to the gym or go on holidays?

its all fine telling op she is judgey(technichaly she is but everyone is)but leaving an 8 week old baby for 2 weeks is just not on,they dont just need their basic needs met that is bollocks,and its unfair on the pil too.

AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 00:37

kfc 20 weeks is so young,sorry but i think thats terrible!

AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 00:37

and actually i would also wonder why her dh hasnt said anything or maybe hes a selfish idiot too.

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 00:47

But the OP doesn't KNOW the circumstances. It may well be that this women is exhausted, suffering from PND, needs a break and so on. This may well have been discussed at great length with her DH and PIL and a decision made to continue with the holiday.

The mother may have spent most of the holiday missing her child... we don't know.

What I do know is some of the comments this thread are bordering on unhinged!