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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

378 replies

Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:35

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:56

Nothing to do with breast feeding, I didn't breast feed my own child so certainly not throwing stones there, just seemed really cold to leave baby behind

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 10/03/2013 19:56

You don't actually know what might be going on in her private life do you?

It's not something I would have done but maybe she needs this for some reason that you don't know?

And are you really looking forward to the teenage years InNeed?? Confused - mostly it's an emotional roller coaster. For the parents.

Give me babyhood any day!

everlong · 10/03/2013 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/03/2013 19:59

I am pretty sure that if you came on here and said a mum was a binge drinking smoker who was on benefits left her 8 week old for two weeks you would have a unanimous YANBU and call for you to phone SS.

Since when did money equal a good parent? Rich people have unhappy kids too.

Yes you are being a bit judgy, but the easy answer is to just stop socialising with her.

EmmaBemma · 10/03/2013 20:00

"Hundreds of years of attachment theory and psychology mean nothing eh"

What are you on about? Attachment theory came to prominence in the sixties, not hundreds of years ago. And what do you mean by "hundreds of years of psychology"?!

I wouldn't leave an 8 week old for two weeks or for two nights even if I didn't absolutely have to, but sometimes babies do have to be apart from their primary caregiver for more than a couple of nights and suffer no lasting ill-effects. I should think an 8 week old would find the separation much less traumatic than an 8 month old or an 8 year old would.

So from the baby's point of view, I don't think this needs to be a huge problem, but I do think it is worrying that the mum is happy to leave him for so long at such an early age and it does suggest she's not really bonded with him yet.

kitsmummy · 10/03/2013 20:00

I'd judge her too massively. Full time childcare when you don't actually work and baby left for 2 weeks? She sounds selfish and cold and obviously the father too if he's also happy to leave baby for two weeks

ClippedPhoenix · 10/03/2013 20:02

If I were you I'd just not have any more to do with her.

I know people who do things like this OP. I don't comment as much as I'd like to. But have been known to after a glass of wine Grin

To me personally it's wrong no matter what's going on and I'd frown upon her behaviour unless there really is something up and she's not coping.

LemonPeculiarJones · 10/03/2013 20:03

Sounds like you didn't like her much to start with and this has sealed the deal for you. You are entitled to let this friendship slide.

Fwiw, I would also be completely turned off someone if they buggered off for two weeks when their DC was so tiny too. I wouldn't be able to relate to them.

candyandyoga · 10/03/2013 20:05

She doesn't sound like my type of person at all and agree with 'alliwantaroom' on page 1 how this 'not your business' talk on mn is rubbish. We all judge something and I would judge this. Little babies need their mums

PureQuintessence · 10/03/2013 20:05

I have a friend like that. She has been leaving her kids to go on holiday on a regular basis, they are now 10 and 7. They have a great bond, they do fab holidays together as a family, but now and then she goes on fab holidays with her husband only. I really dont think you can judge somebody for leaving their kids behind to go on holiday if the kids are otherwise well cared for in a well functioning family unit. Sometimes parents need to nurture their marriage too. And sometimes taking an infant on a holiday is not a wise thing to do, either.

I imagine the holdiay was not well thought through, and she now has thought better of it.

Original poster
Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 20:11

I dont mind being told I'm judgemental or that it's none of my business as a) I am, b) it isn't any of my business and c) if I post in AIBU I have to expect some people to disagree!!

OP posts:
Corygal · 10/03/2013 20:14

YANBU - friendship isn't compulsory. Cheer up: the more time children spend away from dodgy parenting the better.

InNeedOfBrandy · 10/03/2013 20:15

Well obviously I had them for benefits Wink doncha know

But in all seriousness you don't have to be maternal and attached to your baby. Now I love being with my dc as they're smart bubbly fun and interesting where as shitty nappys and 2am feeds are not interesting to me. And bring on the teen roller coaster least roller coasters aren't boring! I love a busy house I hope all their friends come over all the time to.

KitchenandJumble · 10/03/2013 20:17

Well, it wouldn't be my choice. But I very much doubt the baby will be harmed by being in the care of loving grandparents.

By all means continue your "friendship" with this woman. You will no doubt be able to compare yourself to her WRT many issues and feel morally superior for years to come. That's what friends are for, right?

appletarts · 10/03/2013 20:22

Well yes not hundreds of years but you know what I mean. In need of booze you sound like you had kids for your amusement, not 'interesting' to you? It takes all sorts. I hope for your sake they find you interesting when you get old and smelly and say silly things.

everlong · 10/03/2013 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSeatbeltSignIsOn · 10/03/2013 20:26

And your DH's chummy best buddy is leaving his 8 week old baby too.

Maybe she is calling you because she has terrible PND. Or something.

threesypeesy · 10/03/2013 20:26

I wouldn't leave a young baby for 2 weeks but each to there own

I do however go on holidays without my dcs there 8&9&1 (not been since youngest)with Dh usually to Vegas. My mum and dad take them on 2/3 holidays a year without us too. They love it and are cared for the same as we would.

I don't get not being friends with people just because they choose to do things differently

CuriousMama · 10/03/2013 20:31

I have a friend who did the 2 week thing with her firstborn. She ended up realising she had severe PND. Even wanted to kill her baby Sad So it could be that? If you did try to get to know her you may find she has depression?

CloudsAndTrees · 10/03/2013 20:32

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that could be that callous about their own baby either. YANBU.

nellyjelly · 10/03/2013 20:36

Judge away. She sounds selfish.

BegoniaBampot · 10/03/2013 20:36

It's their choice but I probably couldn't be friends with someone who was so different to me. Sound's like she's more an acquaintance though.

squeakytoy · 10/03/2013 20:37

Not sure how leaving a 2 month old baby in the capable hands of loving grandparents is callous... it is her business, nobody elses.

5madthings · 10/03/2013 20:37

I wouldn't be able to do it but each to their own. No-one gives a shit that the days goes away for two weeks...

The baby was looked after by its grandparents so someone loving and caring I assume.

Maybe she has pnd, maybe she doesn't but if she does she certainly doesn't need a judgemental 'friend'.

InNeedOfBrandy · 10/03/2013 20:37

Tart I think you need to re research attachment theory, it was first sprouted off and designed around war torn seriously neglected starved left to lie in the waste for weeks type of children, not babies that get looked after by all members of their family and are fed clothes kept warm and comforted no matter who's doing it. If we went by what your saying all prem babies who have nurses looking after them must have this disorder??