To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

[Rosesarenotalwaysred]

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

I also wonder if the mother is generally the baby's primary attachment. The father may be a close second in some cases. I don't know enough about all this really to comment.

Why is nobody judging the father? Why is it OK for him to go on holiday but not his wife?
^this!!

begonia totally agree, I was thinking interesting to go on hols with inlaws and leave baby with my parents my mum would have told me where to get off!! I've never posted on AIBU before but I can't believe how biscuits some of the posts are, it's all just opinion... I don't think anyone is unreasonable for having an opinion that isn't so way out there that it clearly damages the child. My opinion is that leaving an 8wk old is pretty cruel, and seems so odd to me that if it were me I would say to the friend "it seems a bit wrong to go for so long, is everything ok?" - clearly OP and "friend" are not great pals, but would be nice to think the best rather than worst. That done, perfectly within rights to stop going for coffee, why spend time with people you don't get on with if you can help it?

None of your beeswax.

But stop being friends with her if you want to. Personally I wouldn't want to think 'friends' were judging me the way you're judging her.

Ha ha biscuits! Meant vicious!

Fifi, I agree with your first statement, some of these opinions are totally biscuits...

Well atleast the father is funding the gym and the full time child care.

Unless she has a private trust fund.

Perhaps she will cancel or get separation anxiety and fly back.

YANBU

oh
and just because something won't cause 'lasting damage', doesn't mean
it's a good thing to do and leaving a baby that young, for that long
doesn't really bode well for the future. As for having kids in full time
childcare, if you're working you have no choice, if you're not, you're
probably lazy and should think carefully before having more kids.

appletarts
I'm interested in the baby seperation 'stages of grief' theory - I have never heard about this, although have studied developmental psychology - any links?

What's vicious about that? Unless they have private funds,if she is at the gym all day and they pay for full time childcare, logic dictates that the father must spend his days earning money.

Can't say i'd be too happy if I worked all day and paid for childcare so that DH could go to the gym. Horses for courses I suppose.

Must be a bit confusing for the older child. New sibling appears, then promptly disappears for two weeks.

We had a night away when DS was 8 weeks. It was wonderful, I drunk a cocktail and had a full nights sleep. I'm sure a lot of people judged me for that but I can live with it as it was only a night.

A week I can just about see, but a fortnight seems bizarre, particularly when a baby is much less hassle (particularly with on tap babysitting) than a tantrummy toddler.

Yanbu. Bloody odd imho for either parent however they are feeding the baby. Just don't get it at all.

Today is one of those days when I find MN incomprehensible.
So it's probably roughly 50/50 on here about whether this woman should do this or not. But an awful lot of those who wouldn't do it, still say "don't judge, you don't know what she is going through blah blah."
Meanwhile, over on Chat, a poster has been flamed for hitting her dog, once, as a punishment. She has received such a kicking.
I obviously don't fit here, because even though I love animals so much I don't eat them, I think it is far crueller, and far more indicative of an unpleasant personality to leave an 8 week old baby for 2 weeks than I do to smack a dog, once.

I love how all the pro-holiday camp on this thread are 100% convinced the GPs looking after the baby are a) happy about it and b) loving and caring...

especially given they brought up a daughter who is happy to leave her newborn at home for this holiday with the rest of the family

Feminine : "My children don't know they come first. They just do. I imagine most parents do this."

I don't. There are 4 of us in our family: me, dh and 2 ds's. No one is more important than anyone else. My children are not more important than me. They are not centre of my uiniverse. They are central, but that is actually a very subtle difference.

I probably wouldn't do it personally but it is her baby and her decision. I think as long as the baby's essential needs are being met then it isn't hugely important who is meeting them, they are grandparents not total strangers. I would just be worried about missing out on them first precious few weeks as they change so rapidly at that age and would miss my baby terribly.

1. Infants? cognitive limitations greatly increase

their experience of stress. Without a welldeveloped cognitive perception of the event, any change is threatening. Infants will be extremely distressed simply by changes in the environment and the absence of trusted caregivers.

1. Infants have few internal coping skills. Adults

must ?cope? for them by removing stressors and meeting all of their needs. When deprived of adults whom they have learned to trust and upon whom they can depend, they are more vulnerable to the effects of internal and external stresses.

1. The infant experiences the absence of

caregivers as immediate, total, and complete. Infants generally do not turn to others for help and support in the absence of their primary caregivers. Infants who have lost their primary caregivers often cannot be comforted by social workers, foster parents, or others.

1. If separation occurs during the first year, it

can interfere with the development of trust, the foundation of positive self-image, worldview, and later social development.

from here

In short yes damaging, and she will return to a different child to the one she left behind, in terms of their relationship.

The baby is only 8 weeks old, we've no idea how much time she has spent with the GP's they could be practically strangers for all we know. Most young babies spend most of their time with their mother at that age, especially if the dad has went back to work.

Having read that you see I'm now wondering how placing a baby in childcare with different people at an early age can possibly be ok.

I'm not talking about a baby who gets Object Permanence (say a year old, ideally two) but one who is say 3 or 6 months old. How will it not experience grief?