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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

378 replies

Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:35

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

OP posts:
appletarts · 11/03/2013 11:27

Oh well of course if she can't get a refund...... then it's totally understandable. Soz baby! Let's pack!

ClaraOswinOswald · 11/03/2013 11:27

You don't have to be friends with someone you have nothing in common with. See her at golf functions but other than than just be too busy to meet up when she asks.

5madthings · 11/03/2013 11:28

A one off that the have saved for and won't get the opportunity to do again, could be a special deal or any number of things. I certainly couldn't afford to lose the money for a holiday.

And the dh is relevant because if the double standards, no-one gives a dam about fathers going away, but a mother that does is ripped to shreds and a 'bad mother' its shite, sexism at its worst and from other women!

dreamingbohemian · 11/03/2013 11:28

Ta, pictish Smile

Mintyy I think her DH is relevant because it shows that all this judginess and hysteria is not natural or automatic. If it were, the husbands would also be splitting over this.

Fair enough if this woman is doing something you wouldn't do yourself. But to be HORRIFIED? Seriously, get some perspective. Read a newspaper or something. Save your hysteria and crap mum klaxons for the kids who are really hurting.

morethanpotatoprints · 11/03/2013 11:29

Zara.

liking your style Smile
Tell it how it is Grin

LemonPeculiarJones · 11/03/2013 11:30

Fellatio Grin

Thumbwitch · 11/03/2013 11:31

NOt something I could or would have done. Perhaps I am super-precious, who knows - but I couldn't even leave 8wo DS2 for one night to go to DH's Christmas do, let alone 2 weeks. Mind you, he was EBF - that probably makes some difference - but even if he wasn't... no. Couldn't have done it. He's 5mo now and I still wouldn't contemplate it.

WhatsTheBuzz · 11/03/2013 11:33

everyone
gives a damn about all the evil stuff men do, if this was about the dh
going away for 2 weeks and leaving his wife and 8wo, he'd get called
every name under the fucking sun and rightly so if the only reason was
that he couldn't be arsed with them!

theDudesmummy · 11/03/2013 11:33

I don't believe it would really harm the baby significantly in the long term, but I would never have done something like that, for my own happiness. I have only ever spent one night away from my DS (who is nearly 4) and most nights we co-sleep at least part of the night. He also slept right next to me until he was over 1 year. That's the way I like it, it makes me happy! If other people like to do things differently, I would try not to judge them (although might feel a bit sorry for them and what they are missing!).

Iamsparklyknickers · 11/03/2013 11:34

I don't get it, I think I could understand just her and her DH (not something I'd personally do) but to go away with one child and grandparents - it's just odd?

Judge away, we all do, most friendships are based around liking each others characters and accepting flaws we personally can.

Keep it shallow if it's for the sake of your DH's friendship and you don't feel you can cut off without causing bad feeling (although, again personally, I don't do friends based on my DP's friends - it's forced and hard bloody work Smile) maybe try to encourage more couple and group things to let the 1:1's taper off a bit.

shewhowines · 11/03/2013 11:41

I do wonder with us all living longer lives whether eventually all these children who have been foisted off into full time child care are not ultimately going to have the last laugh, they wont need to feel bad when they do the same to us will they. Trust me pensioners are high maintenance - dont be surprised if this generation are too busy with their careers and holidays to be of any help.

I suspect that the same people who are happy for people to bugger off for 2 weeks selfishly leaving the baby AND letting GP shoulder the hard work, are likely to be the ones neglecting their old folk already, because they are all "so busy at work etc" I have first hand experience of this. People can't find the time in their busy schedules to visit people who have become nuisances.

What has happened to the old fashioned concept of "duty" for both our young and old?

merrymouse · 11/03/2013 11:43

If the family can afford to put the older child in full time childcare so that the mother can go to the gym, I doubt that this is the only holiday that they will be able to afford this year.

(Unless the mum is infact an Olympic athlete and the holiday is at a training camp).

shewhowines · 11/03/2013 11:45

I hadn't even registered in the op that the PIL are going too, so yes even if they had taken the baby there would still be on tap babysitters on holiday.

Wow just wow. And I thought it couldn't get worse.

shewhowines · 11/03/2013 11:49

4 adults to share the care of one baby. And they didn't take it. I judge the mother, father, the PIL who are going on holiday and the poor parents who are staying at home looking after the baby, for agreeing to do it.

See at least I am fair in my judging Grin

ChairmanWow · 11/03/2013 11:53

Oh so now we're judging people who put their kids into full time childcare. . Those judgypants must have cut off the circulation - to your brains. Or maybe you've eaten too many chocolate medals and the sugar rush is making you hysterical.

Some parents are totally hands-on full time. Some of have to or choose to work, and a few decide to go away and leave their babies with trusted family members. Get a grip, and a sense of perspective. Save the pearl clutching for children who suffer genuine neglect and abuse. They're the ones who need our concern.

5madthings · 11/03/2013 11:54

Many people outwardly appear to have lots of money but are actually on a tight budget.

There could be many reasons, is vaccinations food the baby our the like not wanting/being able to travel. The pil may well be looking forward to having the baby, some grandparents are happy to be involved and care for their grandchildren.

The op doesn't sound like a close friend so I doubt all details have been divulged and even if they have I don't see the problem, I wouldn't do it, but there is nothing intrinsically wrong in leaving a baby to be cared for by its grandparents for whatever reason.

Activ · 11/03/2013 11:57

There are five adults, much closer to the OP, who have allowed this to happen.

I'm sure there has been much discussion and they have agreed between them that there are very good reasons for things to be the way they are.

eavesdropping · 11/03/2013 12:00

I think suggesting it's down to vaccinations is clutching at straws somewhat. If that were the reason, you'd not have booked that particular destination in the first place.

Mintyy · 11/03/2013 12:03

Roffle, this thread is becoming like that one where we were challenged to find every possible reason why op was bu in a black and white situation.

AnnieLobeseder · 11/03/2013 12:03

WhatsTheBuzz - you're welcome Grin. My exciting and rewarding life involves activities with and without my DC. The without being the main thing that keeps me sane.

Anyway, FWIW, no, I wouldn't have left either of my DDs at 8 weeks old to go on a 2-week holiday, and yes, I do slightly judge people who put their children in full-time childcare when there is a parent at home.

But that doesn't mean there's really anything wrong with that choice, just that I struggle to understand it.

As far as friendships go, though, I don't make friends lightly. My few friends are all deep and true friends, not acquaintances for convenience, so I probably wouldn't friends with the women the OP describes in the first place, as I can't see us having anything in common. But then again, I've never met her, so I can't be sure!

merrymouse · 11/03/2013 12:06

Not judging people with children in full time childcare. Just suggesting that if you can afford full time childcare, gym membership, golf club membership and you don't have to work it is unlikely that you struggle to afford holidays. (Or possibly, if you do, it means you are really rubbish at maths)

Unless the woman didn't know she was pregnant when she booked the holiday she would have been perfectly able to find out if it would be suitable for an 8 week old before parting with her money.

None of this makes her evil. It does make her sound like somebody who I'd struggle to have a conversation with.

eavesdropping · 11/03/2013 12:27

I would absolutely judge somebody putting their children in full-time childcare if they're not working.

Assuming that you're physically and mentally able, if you don't have a job, why wouldn't you be looking after your children? Why wouldn't you want to?

BegoniaBampot · 11/03/2013 12:28

So maybe we should have a show of hands as to how many mums here would do this at 8 weeks old. As someone said, hard to judge when you don't know all the facts but it is very unusual, how many people really leave an 8 week old baby for 2 weeks when they don't have to. I'd be more worried about the GP's looking after a 8 week old baby, wonder how old they are - imagine they will be absolutely knackered after 2 weeks of sole care.

And there have been some really harsh comments to some posters which is very unnecessary especially when they explained their circumstances.

flippinada · 11/03/2013 12:39

Horrified by this?

Horrified? Really?

What would you do if she'd done something really awful, instead of something you just don't agree with - spontaneously combust?

mungotracy · 11/03/2013 12:44

IN a shocking move you could try telling your friend how you feel and then decide to talk to her or not based on her reaction?

Id ignore In Need of Brandy as most people cant conveniently move in with their child on their grandparents tilll it starts sleeping.....

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