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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find friends sexual history a bit grim?

254 replies

LoversThatWentWrong · 09/03/2013 15:39

Now I'm not a prude or a "pearl clutcher" but we got onto the subject of how many people we had slept with etc and I found my friends sexual past not shocking, just really grim.

She has slept with 15ish people and couldn't remember half of their names. Nothing wrong with that if you're single and enjoy no strings attached sex but she only slept with most of these men in order to get her numbers up. To boast about how many men shes slept with.

I know other people who slept around a lot in their past but they did it because they were single and enjoyed sex - it wasn't about getting their numbers up at all.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 09/03/2013 16:31

Well, her attitude is much better than thinking that the fewer people you have sex with, the more morally superior you are.

ruledbyheart · 09/03/2013 16:34

My number is a hell of a lot higher from my younger days a lot of them was to seeif I could sleep with them not because I wanted too.
I had very low self esteem and it made me feel better about myself knowing that all these men found me attractive enough to sleep with (nieve young me).

Eebahgum · 09/03/2013 16:40

I think the only unreasonable thing she did was telling you. She clearly had no idea how judgemental you are about other people's sex lives.

whateveritakes · 09/03/2013 16:45

I don't think the "competition" aspect is that uncommon. It's something you grow out off. Lot's of us did it for a while but I can't think of anyone who bothered with it was they were in their 30's
A bit of a ladette phase could be described as grim but that's up to her to say.

Patchouli · 09/03/2013 16:56

I think she's got your number OP.

ChairmanWow · 09/03/2013 18:07

Agree Patchouli. Anyway, even if she is genuinely in competition is she shagging blokes she doesn't want to shag? Do you think the men are bothered if it's strings-free sex?

I'd have wiped the floor with her in my youth btw. I was a right tart Grin

RattyRoland · 09/03/2013 18:17

Yabu, leave the poor woman alone. 15 is very low too.

flippinada · 09/03/2013 18:21

I thought this was going to be something like she'd been an escort or a porn star (Not that someone should be judged for either of those things mind you) but all she's done is sleep with fifteen men! What's wrong with that?

ScentedNappyHag · 09/03/2013 18:25

YABU. You don't get to choose what are valid reasons to have sex- whether it's 'to get numbers up' or just because she likes casual sex, it's not for you to decide whether it's 'grim' Hmm

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 09/03/2013 18:43

I am shocked by her number too.

If she has been actively trying to get her numbers up 15 is a piss poor effort. Grin

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 09/03/2013 18:46

In my competing days I would have had 15 a week Wink poor show by ops friend.

badbride · 09/03/2013 18:47

OP, I think you're being unfairly criticised here. If one of my friends confided the same to me, I would be concerned, not just for her emotional wellbeing, but for her physical safety too.

Shagging random blokes, half of whose names you cannot remember, merely to boost your "number" is not the action of a liberated, sexually fulfilled woman in charge of her sexual destiny, IMO. Quite apart from the safety aspect of it: if she doesn't know these men's names, what else about them does she not know?

If she is picking up strangers in bars, she really ought to have a friend she calls each time, to say where she is and with whom. Just to be on the safe side.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2013 18:51

15? is that all?

All I would hope for her is that she had a good time, stayed safe and all her partners were single

ChairmanWow · 09/03/2013 19:34

Shagging random blokes, half of whose names you cannot remember, merely to boost your "number" is not the action of a liberated, sexually fulfilled woman in charge of her sexual destiny, IMO

Why isn't it? If the OP said she kept shagging men she didn't fancy, had massive regrets, felt used etc then I'd agree. Sounds like she's going out there and sleeping with whomever she pleases. She might get off on the no names bit. She might not give a toss what their name is, she just wants to get into their pants. Presumably the men are more than willing so I don't see the problem and I don't see how that demonstrates she's not in charge of her sexual destiny at all.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2013 19:35

Only 15? Blush

lemonstartree · 09/03/2013 19:41

why on earth do you care ? are you 12?

ElectricSoftParade · 09/03/2013 19:52

Well, good luck to her as long is she is having a grand old time and is safe.

Not saying you are necessarily saying this but it gets right on my tits when women are judged for the amount of partners they have had.

I like sex and, the dark distant past, had a number of partners. It hasn't hurt anyone, least of all me.

badbride · 09/03/2013 19:56

Chairman Because the friend seems to be motivated by the idea that she has to get her numbers up, which suggests to me that she is conforming to peer pressure, rather than exploring her sexuality in a way that suits her.

I may be wrong, of course. But I have seen similar cases amont people I know: folk being pressured to have more partners than they would otherwise have chosen to, if left to themselves. People seem to equate sexual liberation with having lots of partners: I don't think this is true.

ReluctantBeing · 09/03/2013 19:56

15 is nothing. I don't ever think about the vast majority of men I have slept with and therefore have long forgotten their names.

ElectricSoftParade · 09/03/2013 19:59

You know, I can't actually remember every partner I have had.

Disclaimer: I had a major head injury and I forget things. I am occasionally surprised when a partner pops into my mind and think "Oh". I also can't remember adjectives but am alright with verbs Grin.

Still don't judge though.

thornrose · 09/03/2013 20:01

I've just tried to remember the names of all my previous partners. I'm struggling to be honest and I haven't had loads, some just weren't memorable. Stop judging and trying to dress it up as concern.

trashcanjunkie · 09/03/2013 20:05

she may also not entirely understand her own motivations due to a variety of reasons, and may be just trying to start dialogue with you about it in order to understand her own feelings more clearly. Or she might just like it right up her. It's sad you feel this way towards some one who's meant to be your friend

ChairmanWow · 09/03/2013 20:50

badbride that's not how I read it. Anyway, as I said, if she's doing stuff she regrets then I'd agree. But there is no suggestion that that's the case. I can see why some might find the bet distasteful but the fact she's in a competition does not of itself mean she's not having a great time. She can do both.

Moistenedbint · 09/03/2013 21:11

British women, on average, have 4-5 sexual partners during their life-time, so "15" is above average. Despite what folks are hinting on this thread Wink

You say she only increased her conquests for the bragging opportunity afforded to her... And tbh, I was left wondering what bloody age she is. Is her life that inane?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 09/03/2013 21:15

4-5??
I reckon that most of my friends had passed 20 partners by their latetwenties. Mind you, we are a right bunch of old slappers.
I have probably slept with the least men, by far. It's still more than 15 though!
(I can remember all their first names) Grin

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