to think people should be able to cope with their own children alone?

[alisunshine29]

I have two daughters aged 5.5 years and 9 months and can and do do everything with/for them. I have friends with similar aged children who wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill. AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone?

I can see where OP is coming from (though a bit harsh). I know a few people who use family assistance for every little thing to the point where I think they'd be a bit fecked if god forbid something happened to that family member.

It's amazing what you can do on your own if you have to. Doesn't mean it's not nice to have some help from time to time.

I don't understand the thinking that if you would like grandparents to help out more it's considered co-parenting. I don't expect my parents or in-laws to raise my kids but would love them to visit more often - take the odd child out or help if I was ill but they don't and they won't and I often feel people think that my commenting on this is me expecting them to help me raise my kids - this sort of thread backs that up. You obviously don't have help and manage and that's great - I don't have help and do manage because I have to and DH works virtually spends 95% of his life at work - I feel envious of those that constantly have their mums or in laws round/go on hols together/ shopping together etc but equally sometimes I feel that they rely on that help alittle too much so I do get a little of what you might be saying - some people don't seem to do anything without their mothers by their side and you do wonder how they would cope if they didn't have that help - but whilst it's available then they might as well make use of it - face the childrearing alone only when absolutely necessary.

sorry but if you're ill and have no one to do everything for you then you
just have to crack on, what's the alternative? People can and do..

I have a long term health condition that makes me exhausted. I am also 5 months pregnant and the fatigue from the first trimester hasn't lifted. My 17 month old son wakes every two hours - every night. Oh, and my husband works away from home 5 days a week.

Can you explain how you have the right to judge me for wanting help - and taking it when I can - or is it just that you're a better parent than me?

I think you're jealous of people who have help in whatever forms they do..and you don't.

wanting help and being unable to cope without it are two different things...

and to pretty much tell someone, 'i have help and you don't, so there', is smug.

No, Bessie. 'Bullying' in what way?

I think the OP's other thread is very sad. I think other posters were near unanimous in their anger at her DP and his reluctance to see his children - I think they were also sensible to point out when they felt she was making excuses for him.

i think this OP is in a very difficult relationship, tbh.

A lot of this comes down to confidence -if you are lacking in confidence at taking your DC out alone you are less likely to do it. This could be a result of pnd, stress, or just not feeling like you have the strength to go it alone. There is no need to judge people for that though. Good for you if you are able to cope and get by on your own.

fwiw, I know of someone who's 11 month old drowned in the bath -he quietly slipped under the water while she was talking to her older DC. This has made me very nervous of bathing my DC on my own. Am I now lacking in confidence as knowing this has made me extra cautious? Yes, for sure. I would rather not be judged for that though.

WhatsTheBuzz

If you're ill...crack on, what's the alternative? People can and do.

It's not about 'not being able to cope' without help when you are ill. DD and I were coping...she was just lying in my bed with me, foraging for food in the kitchen herself. Of course we would have both come through the other side of my flu still alive etc etc.

I just felt bloody awful for DD. She was being so good, but she was hungry. I LITERALLY could not get out of bed for more than 5 seconds without collapsing, I'm also 35 weeks preg so was finding it hard enough to breathe as it is. I couldn't really interact with her either, I had the flu - like - THE FLU (do people think this is some sort of common cold or something, seems like it).

Why on earth would anyone in that position continue to let their child suffer on...I made it clear to my mum and MIL what was going on and luckily MIL was able to come down. Does that mean I couldn't cope without help and just get on with it like other mothers? Am I weak?

I don't think so - I think I just didn't want my DD to be alone with her sick mother anymore, foraging for crackers in the bread bin.

Please also remember it is far more 'abnormal' for a mother to be alone 24/7 caring for her children than not. We evolved in close-knit tribes and communities, and even 60 years ago people lived with extended family just round the corner. In these situations they practically brought up the kids together, not alone in isolation.
Tis a modern cultural development that a lot of mothers are alone with little help these days, and I should imagine it's generally not that positive for a lot of their mental health. Feeling isolated and alone when you are alone with children is a very real problem, and those with extended family around them are very lucky and should not be snorted at for taking full advantage of it.

Sometimes there's no lonelier feeling than when your child does something wonderful and funny, and there's no one there to share the moment with or join in with your love for your child. And that is not about needing help or not coping. It's just being human and biologically normal in your desire to rear your child with family around you.

Look - just to contextualise - this is another thread from the OP (i agree Jamieandthemagictorch, there is a lot of cognitive dissonance going on here) - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1686460-to-feel-like-crying-in-frustration

The OP posts about how hard she is finding things coping with very little support. She reports feeling like 'crying in frustration' (her words). She is clearly in a pressured situation and not being supported much at all in terms of childcare or her studies by her dp.

Then up pops this thread, upsetting quite a lot of people by the looks of things. The OP seems to have turned having to cope so much in her own into a virtue, and is now being critical of other people who do have help and support.

Which isn't nice. Implying someone is less of a parent (mother) if they don't do everything themselves. That said, I can't be too harsh on the OP because having seen a few of the threads she's started, she is genuinely stressed, under pressure, rather isolated, and I think there's a certain amount of denial going on.

I agree that in the past it was more the norm to have help - takes a village to raise a child and all that jazz.

Most people will cope when they have to - I did but t was hard and very lonely at times and I think I think it made me quite controlling with my kids. If you have the opportunity of help and support I guess you would be crazy not to use it. Obviously there are extremes which isn't desirable.

Sorry - but another thread started by the OP in December, about feeling exhausted and 'suffocated' because she has no help with her youngest, and has to cope with everything herself - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1641229-To-feel-completely-suffocated

I really think all the people who feel judged and upset on this thread need to be aware where the OP is coming from. She's not happy, she doesn't want to cope on her own - it's just all coming out as an attack on other parents who DO have support, for some reason.

rain i am aware of where OP is coming from as you have pointed out and I feel for her. I was responding to some comments on here by others also.

YABU. I've been very poorly past 24 hours so my mum had DS today and he has gone to his dads tonight. Also, I have mental health problems and in the past have had to turn to others for help and support. I'm still a good mum and DS thinks I'm awesome

mummabug, sure - I actually x-posted with you - I wasn't responding to you, though it does read that way!

I agree with what you said btw - they are good general points, wherever the OP is coming from.

Yabu when you have anxiety issues and people telling you that your a useless mum then it does help to have someone around.

I have a 21 month gap. DH has taken them both swimming alone but I haven't. I could, just its easier not too and we can all go together so why make life tough? Sometimes simple things like going down to the shop can be tricky if DS (3) runs way ahead and DD toddles along, I can't ensure both of their safety by the road. If I put DD in the buggy its no fun for her and as the point of the outing was to kill some time and have fun, it defeats the object. Similarly, if I or DH are ill and need help and there is some available, I'm going to use it. I have every admiration for people to have to do it alone but a) its not a competition and b) I worry slightly that such capable and slightly smug people will be less than sympathetic to those who ARE struggling - you only have to look at any post that asks the q "was AIBU to expect help at this station / situation etc" to see what I mean. Lots of responses that amount to "Yes, YABU- you had them, get on with it, cos I do"

Agree with mamma bug.

I wasn't 'attacking' anyone. I'd just read the 'm husband should care for sick child and I rather than visit his hospitalised mother' thread and was reflecting that it is not a good position to be in to be unable to cope alone if for some reason you do have to.

I think people are being a bit dramatic about flu - I had it a few weeks back and yes I felt absolutely awful, I couldn't eat and lost over a stone. But to say you had to get help or your children would starve. Really?

ali just because you had 'flu' and were able to cope, it doesn't necessarily follow that everybody else should be able to cope too.

Maybe their flu was much worse than yours - lots of people I know define flu as feeling too bad to do anything, including reaching out for a million pounds if someone is flapping it under your nose. If you were up to doing some looking after kids then just maybe you didn't have flu, just some other nasty bug that was going around. There have been a lot of them around this year - nasty, but not flu. Or you had a mild strain of flu.

But no justification to bitch about people being 'dramatic' about flu just because it doesn't equate to your own experiences of flu!

Flu is a killer and pregnant women can be among the most vulnerable to it.

You are now implying that not only should all parents cope on their own because you do, you are now saying everyone should breeze through having flu because you did. Not nice.

Just wait. Pride comes before the Fall