To feel completely suffocated?

(125 Posts)
alisunshine29 Thu 20-Dec-12 21:22:42

My baby is almost 7 months, DD1 is 5 and OH works away. DD2 is EBF and attached to me literally about 23 hours a day, maybe more. I can't have a shower without her crying the entire time, everything else I do one handed. She'll go in her Jumperoo for 5 mins at best, she'll play with toys but only with me right there. I thought it'd get better once she could sit unaided, but it hasn't. She cries with anyone but me. I am desperate to spend some time with DD1/OH but it's impossible. If OH is home, I still do everything for the kids as otherwise DD2 screams the house down making DD1 feel guilty for spending time with me. Once DD1 is in bed, DD2 will only sleep on me so OH and I feel nervous to talk/have TV too loud in case we wake her. It's ridiculous. We long to be able to cuddle/have sex but the longest DD2 will go down for before realising I'm not there is 10 mins. I co-slept with DD1 and loved it but DD2 wants to feed literally all night, I cannot move without her stirring and latching on again. In the day she'll only sleep on me or if walking in carrier/pushchair - the second I stop she wakes. I just want to be able to have time with DD1/OH, have a bath, read, just have a wee bit of time away from DD2 without her being utterly miserable. AIBU?

peaceandlovebunny Thu 20-Dec-12 21:28:38

she's tiny. its her defence method against being left behind when the hunter gatherers move on. she'll grow out of it. but even when your dh is away, you need someone to take her for 20 minutes while you have a shower or bath and get some self-time.

this is the most glorious time of your life. you'll miss it when its gone. you'll never regret meeting her needs. when you see her with her own babies, doing all she can, you'll know what a good job you did.

who can give you that tiny break that you need every day?

alisunshine29 Thu 20-Dec-12 21:43:20

I know she's only tiny, and I know I probably don't sound like it but I do adore her. I just miss DD1/OH and feel like things can't go on the way they are for much longer without my relationships with them being damaged - I've barely had a cuddle with DD1 in weeks sad I have no family or friends.

amirah85 Thu 20-Dec-12 21:48:31

Can u leave her with OH when he's home and go out for an hour with your DD1?I'm all for attachment parenting,but your other one needs u too,and to spend hurried time with her 'cos the baby's vrying is not the best,so maybe go out for a bit.anything that could be making her worst at the mo?teething?

alisunshine29 Thu 20-Dec-12 21:54:32

She's teething but not upset about it - not when with me anyway. She has been this way since birth. Luckily DD1 doesn't resent her but if I took DD1 out DD2 would be upset the entire time which DD1 knows so we'd both feel guilty.

NoisyDay Thu 20-Dec-12 22:16:05

I am sorry-but screw that.its totally ridiculous to have your life dictated by a will get everyone on here telling you to co-sleep,baby wear etc.all this is well and good if you are happy with it,but you aren't.neither is your dh nor probably your dd.there is more to life than breastfeeding,you have done it for 7months now,time to start expressing, give three good spoon feeds/baby led weaning meals a day.fill her up during the day,no need for a 7mo to feed all night. Get you DH to do the bottles for the first while until she grts used to it,and she will probably resist loudly,but it can be have done a FANTASTIC job getting his far but it's time to save your sanity,get some Sleep and spend more time as a family.

MoleyMick Thu 20-Dec-12 22:22:53

I'm with NoisyDay on this one! For things to change, you have to be the one to change them. Not a hugely popular view on here sometimes though.

karron Thu 20-Dec-12 22:25:58

I can relate 6 month ebf started weaning but she gets so angry when not the centre of my attention. If DS is sat reading with me she sits on her mat angry shouting at me. DS very good about it but does get jealous. No advice but just hang on on there are YANBU. She's started crying so better go, just wonder how much time dd will spend in our bed tonight? May try and sleep in her cot

alisunshine29 Thu 20-Dec-12 22:43:39

NoisyDay - I do enjoy breastfeeding and would enjoy co-sleeping if I got just a couple of hours to myself first. Expressing isn't an option as she won't take a bottle/cup of milk at all and isn't interested in solids yet either. OH is very rarely here so couldn't leave him to it even if I wanted to, don't agree with controlled crying but even if I tried that it'd mean DD1 getting no sleep too. I want things to change, really I do, I just don't see how I can. I honestly thought by this age it'd be different but at this rate I can see myself with her sprawled across my lap at night when she's 2!

peaceandlovebunny Thu 20-Dec-12 22:46:29

so where did you get the idea that motherhood would be any different than it is? your dd2 seems perfectly normal to me. was dd1 different?

FunnysFuckingFreezing Thu 20-Dec-12 22:49:10

I hated the tiny baby months with DS2 so you have my every sympathy. If you won't leave her to it for a few minutes at a time then really you have to ride it out. I was too selfish as far as DS1 and DH were concerned to ignore them for the sake of DS2

alisunshine29 Thu 20-Dec-12 22:54:47

I haven't suggested she's abnormal. It's different second time round - OH can understand and get over being neglected, it isn't fair to expect my 5 year old to do the same.

clam Thu 20-Dec-12 22:54:54

"so where did you get the idea that motherhood would be any different than it is?"
Erm, perhaps from those of us for whom it is different? My kids weren't like it; they fussed a normal amount, I suppose, and I cuddled them a lot, but also left them to cry when I had to get on with other things. They've grown up into happy, healthy, independent and affectionate teens.
This situation sounds extreme. And untenable, actually. It sounds as though you've done a great job so far, but it's not unreasonable to want/need a break. It won't harm her to be left to cry for a bit - but it might harm you (and indirectly her) if you don't get that break.

clam Thu 20-Dec-12 22:57:41

<<what's happened to my space bar?>> confused

NoisyDay Thu 20-Dec-12 23:04:23

Of course she isn't interested in solids,she is full up from all the milk!there is no reason why you can't reduce milk intake and replace with solids during the day. my ds2 was Like this also refused bottle/cup.but my ds1 was being neglected and I was exhausted.really if you want this to change you dh will have to take some time off work and help get a new routine established. It isn't fair on your dd1 having this go on.unfortunately if you want it to change you will have to make her less reliant on the breast,maybe still give her one feed at night and one in morning then have your dh settle her,while perhaps go for a walk/drive with dd1.a few late nights for dd1 may just be necessary for long term benefit. Doing this won't make you any less of a mother,it will make you a mother who cares about the needs of both her daughters and is doing everything she can to have both them be happy.

steppemum Thu 20-Dec-12 23:07:04

I am with noisyday. It is OK to have some time to yourself. You can look at it this way, your dh needs to bond with her too, so when he is there, take yourself and dd1 out. Go anywhere. If she cries, dh can hold her, comfort her. She is not on her own, she may cry the whole time, but she will be fine.

Start weaning her, and cut out some feeds, don't breastfeed totally on demand, sometimes offer food/water etc. She may take a while, but she does not need to feed all night long. She doesn't want to take a bottle or wean because she is getting bf all the time, but persevere.

I Bf all mine til 1 year, but I didn't feel bad about some boundaries once they got to this age.

Personally I would work on getting her to sleep somewhere that isn't on you either.

I know you say you are worried about dd1 waking etc, but in my experience, to make a change it does take a day or two of disruption in order to change and it is worth it

SrirachaGirl Thu 20-Dec-12 23:21:44

What NoisyDay said.

helenlynn Thu 20-Dec-12 23:27:57

OP, YANBU, and I'm amazed and impressed that you've stuck it out this far. It looks like peaceandlovebunny can hack this kind of thing and even enjoy it and that's pretty impressive too, but (with plenty of respect to peace) that's something she and others can manage not just because of the effort they put in, but also because of the kind of people they are. Not everyone can manage it; there's no way I could've. If you're only as far as "suffocated" rather than a few miles past "gibbering", I take my hat off to you!

For me it wasn't a question of whether I agreed with controlled crying, it was a question of whether we were going to do that and have a shot at coping, or not do it and not cope. Generally I endorse whatever tactics families adopt to keep everyone well, warm, loved and this side of crazy, however much they depart from the Sunday supplement ideal. Anyway, I hope DD2 grows into being able to deal with being a bit more separate from you soon.

Totally agree with Noisy Day too

Can your DH take some time off work, even a week or two, to help sort things a bit?

steppemum Thu 20-Dec-12 23:53:38

and no, parenting isn't always like this

I have 3 dcs and they were totally demand breast fed they slept in a moses basket next to my bed for 6 months. When they woke I fed them and put them back. By this age 2 of them were sleeping through with no feed between 10 and 7 am. The third fed every 5 minutes until 7 months. Then I got tired of feeding her every 5 minutes, so one night I didn't feed her, I held her and shushed her and let her cry. I put her down and stayed there with my hand on her and let her cry, with me right there. Once she stopped she fell asleep and slept til morning. Next night it took less time, third night she slept through til morning and hasn't looked back.

It really doesn't have to be so hard. You have done an amazing job, but it is OK to make changes. You need to think of dd1. And as I said before, let you dh do some bonding with her, why is it so important that she has YOU, rather than one of her parents? Dh is just as important to her.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo Fri 21-Dec-12 01:35:47

I'm also with Noisy - you've done a brilliant job of getting this far without cracking up! but not only are you unhappy, your DD1 is suffering to a degree as a result of the situation which isn't good for anyone and could affect her relationship with both you and her sister in the long term if not addressed.

Just one thought though, do you use a dummy at all? It sounds like your DD2 is sucking for comfort/to get her to sleep - perhaps trying one might make it easier in the short term.

butterflyexperience Fri 21-Dec-12 07:10:26

7 months old is not a tiny baby.
Your dd2 should like a little bit of independent play I think.
I do sympathise with you though my dd1 was similar however she also was crawling at this stage and would play a little.
Do you take dd2 to any playgroups? May get used to a little independent play?
Does she like tv? Pop on a cartoon whilst you shower go to the loo.
She will grow out of it but its just a matter if when!

bigbuttons Fri 21-Dec-12 07:17:39

She is not tiny and the whole situation is terrible for you and the others in your family. Your Dh needs some time with you as does your eldest child. She doesn't not need to feed in the night nor all during the day. It is now not just about what your baby wants/needs/ but the other too .sad

Gumby Fri 21-Dec-12 07:19:23

Your poorr dd1
How old is she ?

bigbuttons Fri 21-Dec-12 07:20:04

does not <shudders at double negative>

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