to think people should be able to cope with their own children alone?

[alisunshine29]

I have two daughters aged 5.5 years and 9 months and can and do do everything with/for them. I have friends with similar aged children who wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill. AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone?

REally?!?! Isn't that normal?

Boffinmum's post about that sharing helps to build a strong community is interesting. I do think that giving and taking is what makes the world go round.

My dp was one of those 'why help someone when they should be sorting themselves out' people, like OP but over the years he has realised that selling stuff on ebay for peanuts may get you £10 richer, but if you give it away to a friend it is worth much more, in a lot of different ways.

Precisely, handlebartash - I also know people who do this regarding school pick ups.
Surely saying 'i could do it all alone but people will help so why should I?' Is not all that different a theory to people that say 'i could get a job but the government will pay me benefits if I don't so why should I?'

I completly understand what you mean i have 2 DCs i manage when im ill, you have to! i manage daily to get them both up ready DS at nursery and ready to meet a friend of mine on time! SHe has 1 DD 8 months and i constantly late and has to feed jars as she doesnt have time to cook even though she is a SAHM too. I wouldnt take both my DC swimming at the same time though as niether of them can swim on there own yet

I can and do do everything for/with my DC. My DH can/will do anything/everything for them but he finds it harder than me, not because he is less capable but because he spends less time with them so isn't as practised at it as me and doesn't know all their little habits/likes/wants/fears quite as well as I do.

I can't take mine swimming because the local pool won't let me take both in together on my own, everything else I do alone unless DH is with us at the weekend. I get a little bit jealous of friends who have mums and family that help out if I'm honest.

It's totally different alli!
Having grandparents who are nearby and happy to help adds another layer of love to a child's day to say life. The more loving people actively involved in a child's life the better.

And I say that as someone who has no family help btw!

I'm not saying having grandparents involved is a bad thing but being unable to cope - if forced to - without their help is.

But you did say that ali- " but surely saying I could do it all alone but I don't have to..."
I think you need to take a step back and look at why you're being so judgemental.

"Surely saying 'i could do it all alone but people will help so why should I?' Is not all that different a theory to people that say 'i could get a job but the government will pay me benefits if I don't so why should I?'"

You really think this is the same, really? I'm torn on this. Can sort of see your initial point as yes, I might get a bit rolly eyed if someone can't seem to get by without help, it can seem a bit feeble when I do and have done it mostly all on my own. But I wonder if there is a wee bit of jealousy and wishful thinking that it would be nice to have some help, some loving family or such closely involved in my children's lives. Maybe it makes me feel better to roll my eyes and feel a bit superior as maybe there is a little bit of jealousy.

And most people will cope if they have to, if they were just left to get on with it but does seem a bit crazy to if they don't have to.

Are you seriously suggesting that people turn down assistance from people who love them in order to prove some sort of point?

Why make it harder than it has to be? How utterly bizarre.

Of course the people you mention would cope if they were forced to. Do you actually expect that their children would starve and die?

Why would you take say 2 little kids swimming alone, when your Mum would like to come and therefore will make things heaps easier? Why not put off stuff like that until the weekend when Dad can be involved?

I have a large, loving and involved family and an excellent DH, this makes parenting a pleasure usually. I can't imagine why I would choose in those circumstance to go it alone. Obviously it isn't all take either, functional families look after each other. That is what family means.

Madness.

And also, when I had my first very demanding, clingy baby with no family or even friends with babies around - it was quite lonely and isolating. Don't think I really felt that glow and complete happiness that some folk talk about when you've just had that baby (early weeks) - it was bloody hard and draining. It would probably have been more fun and less lonely to have someone to even just do things with me (walk with me to the park, shops, have a coffee etc) be there and show a level of interest and love that close family feel in these occasions.

Exactly Begonia.

When I had DS1, both Mum and MIL were around to cuddle baby while I had a long hot shower. DH did pretty much all housework for about a month, my good friends brought me food and cake etc. All in all making it a really special and lovely time.

With DS2 we were overseas, my SIL flew across the world to stay with us for 2 months to make things easier, and I have wonderful friends there as well who looked after me.

Whenever I am in a position to look after my friends and family I take it, why wouldn't you?

Why struggle unnecessarily? I can't get my head around it.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to have that kind of help and support though to be contrary, I also enjoyed doing it my way and not being under the influence of my mum or older sister who had been there and done it all - i think it could be easy for a first time mum to be undermined. Guess there is just no perfect way or pleasing everyone (for me anyway!)

It was wonderful. I have very low standards though, so don't really mind 'how' someone does things if they are helping me out, as long as it is getting done!

Low standards, the secret of a happy life.

Oh that sounds lovely. I've really struggled when often just having company or someone to ask how I am would have made the world of difference.

Seriously OP: you need to sort your own life.

If you seriously think that expecting your partner to be an equal parent, and accepting offers of help from loving relatives, is the same as claiming benefits when you don't need them, then you are in a very bitter and depressing place indeed. As is obvious to anyone who's read your other posts.

You think it's daft that mums don't do everything on their own? Isn't it daft for a mum who can do everything on her own to stay with a man who's completely useless as a father and partner?

I don't understand how you can think your own position is preferable, when you are so clearly miserable and exhausted.

OP I think the saddest thing is that your DP doesn't see his children from his previous relationship and isn't hands on with your children either. It does not bode well for their future relationship with their father.

I actually feel really sorry for you having also seen your other posts/threads.

Attempting to put on a face that you do everything with your children through choice isn't strong or a good path to go down.

Please talk to your DP, perhaps consider some counselling.

My point is that wanting/enjoying help and needing help are two separate things. Yes, I would like it if DP would take our youngest DD while I read the eldest DD a story. However if he couldn't/wouldn't then it doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to do it. I find the idea of waiting around to do things (for whoever said they wait til their mum/husband is there to go swimming/shopping) silly - I would hate to feel that I cannot do things in life by myself. I think it is important to not be dependent on others - how else do we expect to teach our children to do things for themselves if they see that Mummy can't do things without help?

how else do we expect to teach our children to do things for themselves if they see that Mummy can't do things without help?

But ali in your case it is because your DP chooses not to help. You are left to do it yourself. This is no better an example to them. As they grow up they may well feel like they should be able to cope with everything on their own. What if they just can't? Will they be a disappointment to you? Will you refuse to help them because you did it on your own?

I think the worst possible lesson your DD's are getting right now is that it is acceptable to have a father who doesn't even minimally interact with his children when their mother is around. You don't even have the space to read one DD a story one-on-one? That is NOT normal, not even close to normal. Rather than expending bitterness on others, you need to take your vaunted self-sufficiency in hand and stop putting up with this.

Well, we all need help to do some things, OP, even you!

I have 3 children age 5 and under, am registered blind, though have some remaining sight, and work part-time.

I have child-care for while I'm working.

DH is hands-on. He does anything that requires driving, or good eyesight (like taking DC1 cycling). There are situations he doesn't cope well with, and I take the lead in those. I would take one child swimming, but not more than one. As it happens, the older two do swimming lessons and we don't currently do swimming outside that - they are both progressing really well.

I do most shopping online. Can shop with all 3 children, but can't pay attention to what I'm buying!

There are outings with all 3 children that I will happily do alone, and outings I will only do with DH or grandparent - all depends on what's required. Some outings I could do alone, but prefer to do with someone else, as it's easier and more enjoyable. If taking one of DC1's friends along, then I will only do it wtih another adult, as don't feel confident of keeping a 'strange' child within reach (mine are well trained....)

Everyone's situation is different, and there are many ways of being a good parent. I also think that my DC benefit a lot from seeing how well DH and I operate as a team, and help each other. My 5yo is very into 'helping' at the moment (laying table for meals, tidying up living room, that sort of thing) and I see learning to co-operate as a positive thing. I used to work in a very harsh every-man-for-himself type of corporate environment, and people with that type of personality are not always the nicest to be around - learning to find ways of working with each other is very important.

Personally I have 3 dc and 99% of the time do in on my own. Dh works long hours and has a time consuming hobby. No parents to help and mil helps occassionally. DH only had one week off when dd was born. So on day 8 I was doing school run with 6 and 7 year old. Midwife was horrified as apparently at this stage I was only supposed to walk fo 5 minutes.
However, help would be lovely and no way would i take 2 under 7's swimming. Our pool wouldn't allow it for a start.

O and I never get help when ill either. Good job I am pretty healthy.