to think people should be able to cope with their own children alone?

[alisunshine29]

I have two daughters aged 5.5 years and 9 months and can and do do everything with/for them. I have friends with similar aged children who wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill. AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone?

You are not teaching your DDs to be independent. You are teaching them that it's okay to stay with a man who does fuck all for his children (from multiple relationships) or his partner.

Do you want your DDs to end up with someone like your partner? Honestly?

Yikes.

Well fwiw I'm not getting into the old 'I have it harder than you' lark because it ain't worth it.

What I will say is that when ds1 was tiny, I lived near my mother and she did help a lot. I thought I couldn't manage by myself.

Then I had ds2 and I moved away and she was realy angry with me for leaving, though it was only a few miles. And I realised that I could cope by myself, mostly.

I have no partner or husband and therefore when I have an appointment or am ill, my parents do step in - not always but it depends if I'm just a bit ill, or cannot actually cope sort of ill. I prefer to manage alone if I can.

I don't think it's that good for my children having no one else around. It would be better if they did have another adult to rely on as well as me.

Some people don't think they can cope alone but then they find that they can. That's what happened to me. It's not something you have a go at them about though - you just wait till something makes them realise it for themselves.

I think if some people have lots of help from the start it can undermine their confidence and ability to care for their children on their own. Guess it's better if people feel confident enough that they can do things on their own when they have to but nice if they have some support and help that they don't have to do it all alone.

I have had both. Was on my own with first baby and when 2nd came along. Husband was there and helped where he could but often away for weeks at a time. It was tough but at leastI know I can cope alone when I have to. Then had full time help, an extra pair of hands and life was so much more ridiculously easy but I'm glad I still felt that I could do it all on my own when I had to. Friends who had full time help with all their babies really struggled and were less confident about coping without help.

All DHs/DPs should be able to look after their children without "help" from their DWs/DPs.

Could yours, OP?

... or more to the point, will he?

"Yes, I would like it if DP would take our youngest DD while I read the eldest DD a story. However if he couldn't/wouldn't then it doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to do it. I find the idea of waiting around to do things (for whoever said they wait til their mum/husband is there to go swimming/shopping) silly - I would hate to feel that I cannot do things in life by myself. I think it is important to not be dependent on others - how else do we expect to teach our children to do things for themselves if they see that Mummy can't do things without help? "

Cuts both ways imho. I think my children would be learning an equally shit lesson if they saw that their father was unable to deal with them without me there.

But one lesson I do not want my children to learn is that there is anything shaming in asking for help rather than sinking. A close relative of mine took an overdose because she could not admit that she was not coping. We none of us saw it coming. If she had asked, nobody would have judged.

I haven't read all this thread because it's making me angry. Too many sweeping statements about the reason behind parents roping someone else on to help them with their child and very little thought as to reasons why some people might do it more often than others.

Yes, there are lazy or useless parents that take advantage of others and sit back and don't put the effort in themselves. But when people on here are slagging people they know off when they really don't know the circumstances then I find that short-sighted and plain nasty.

FGS, even those slagging off sahm's haven't given thought to the fact that maybe for some if them, visiting their mum most days might be their only conversation they have with another adult the whole week. Someone who works gets to actually speak to adults (imagine that!) and gets applauded for managing it all yet the parent who stays at home is somehow not allowed any interaction with another adult as that's being a bit pathetic really or lazy, according to the OP.

Just because people CAN cope alone doesn't necessarily mean they should. Yes, I'm sure I could manage my kids when I'm ill but my mum steps in to help out because, hey, guess what? She loves me and wants to make the difficult times in my life a bit less unpleasant for me if she can! A most difficult concept for you to understand, Op - maybe you don't come from the same kind of caring and thoughtful family that I do.

God help your own children if they should everneed you as parents - you will be the type to say "well, I managed on my own so you should too."

Just a cold-hearted way of going through life, it if it works for you and leaves you feeling happier knowing you do it all yourself, then martyr away! There are no prizes except your own self-satisfaction .

Perfectly put curly.

I am a sahm , very very rare do i have "help" once when i had a bad virus and once for a night out, i didnt know this made me a bad mother, [gives son child lines number ] i think op you are being very judgemental and stereotypical, yes there ate some lazy parents out there that pass there kids off when ever they can but most people just like having there partners mothers around i no i had a partner and was going shopping i would want him to come or if me and DS was going swimming of course id want him there, i go to see my mother nearly everyday not for "help" but to have a chat with and adult and to get out of the house and so my DS can spend time with his nanny!!

I would also like i add i do NOT cope with my son u dont cope with a child u raise a child and love a child and enjoy parenting not bleeding cope !!

Rant over

I think most people can manage by themselves.

There are 15 months between my two. my eldest has a physical disability and they both have autism and my youngest has adhd.

I can manage.

But if I don't have to, then bloody great!

I think perhaps you are thinking that people actually think they would be incapable of managing and harm would befall the children that is not the case.

I think it's simply the case that it's nice to have someone give you a hand, if that's possible. Even if that means planning things round someone being able to help out. Why not do things in the way that is easier, if that's an option for you and it's what you want?

I am sure that if your friends were in a situation where there was truly nobody in the world to help them - they would be fine. Many, many people are.

I do almost everything with my kids without my DH. However if I''m bed ridden with illness, it's quite reasonable to expect partner to be in charge of the kids.

Unless partner works away. In which case it sucks. I think what is sad is that so many people take the support from mum or partner for granted and don't realise how hard it can be if you don't have that help. But that applies in all areas of life. I'm sure childless couples might say I take it for granted I have a child etc.

It reallyis tough with no support. Of course its better if its there!

I wonder if the OP is referring to people who simply refuse to do anything without help, or even try. I know people like this, and I can't help thinking how on earth they would cope if the worst happened. Surely part of being a parent is learning to cope alone to make sure that your children will always be looked after should something awful happen?

I wouldnt like to be the woman married to a man who cant take care of his own kids for an hour, let alone full time. What if I died or became fully dependent myself? Or, MH issues aside, be the woman who wont bath her own kids or go shopping without someone holding my hand. They may not always be there to do that.

Yanbu. I had a neighbour once who used to constantly try to rub it in that I was doing everything alone because dh works away and my kids are 1.5 yrs apart; they were then 4 and 5.5. She'd make comments like 'I don't now how you let him get away with it', 'I'd have a nervous breakdown if i were you', ' You poor thing, how on earth are you going to get through the week?', over and over again as if to wear me down. I honestly found it do-able and believed she was doing this because her own partner often left her with the children for no apparent reason and she couldn't cope so it would make it easier if I just broke down with her.

"SHe has 1 DD 8 months and i constantly late and has to feed jars as she doesnt have time to cook even though she is a SAHM too"

This was me with ds1. I had postnatal depression and OCD and no one knew, not even me. I just felt totally overwhelmed as we had no friends or family and I was feeling pretty anxious.

I never understand what people get out of assuming they are better than others when they really don't know what's going on with them.

Independence is an important lesson, and so is learning to look after the people you love.

If my DSs behaved in the way your DH does I would be appalled.

I don't 'cope' with my children, in my world parenting is not something to be endured.

Only read the op...when you say 'similar' age children, what age are you talking?

I would be perfectly able to do everything/go anywhere with a 5 year old and a baby. A 5 year old is pretty self-sufficient and low maintenance.
I did struggle hugely for a good while though when I had a only-just two year old and a newborn. I would avoid trips to town/shopping etc as it was just too stressful. That IMO is a completely different kettle of fish.

That's great to hear PrettyKitty - 5 is in sight in this household!