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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should be able to cope with their own children alone?

286 replies

alisunshine29 · 07/03/2013 22:37

I have two daughters aged 5.5 years and 9 months and can and do do everything with/for them. I have friends with similar aged children who wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill. AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone?

OP posts:
cory · 07/03/2013 22:53

What's wrong with expecting the children's father to co-parent them though, if he happens to be around? Why shouldn't he?

I don't pity you, but as far as my life is concerned, doing things together is something we enjoy.

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 22:53

Can I have a medal? Because I'm so super and can do all those things.

YAB completely unreasonable op. Everyone is different and their circumstances and how they cope are different too.

aldiwhore · 07/03/2013 22:54

Even the best coper has wobbles. Lonliness can be crippling when it catches you, whether you're in a relationship or not. Both parents being 'copers' certainly makes life that bit easier.

YANBU to think that there are many people out there who, for no apparant reason refuse to even try to cope, but not reasons are obvious, so it's not really wise to get judgey... some great parents can't 'cope' with small babies but are bloody great with teens, the word 'children' covers a lot of difference!!

All children are different.

YABU to assume that every parent 'should' be able to simply cope with their own child end of... that's a HUGE generalisation.

In fact, YABU end of.

coldcupoftea · 07/03/2013 22:54

OMG, mothers who ask a man to look after his own children when they are ill? Lazy cows

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 22:54

You do have a large age gap op, makes things easier imo.

KatieMiddleton · 07/03/2013 22:55

Yes it is not on to expect our husbands to help with the children. Women! Know your places!

I am discusted, appauled and think people should be more discrete about there bad parenting.

BadRoly · 07/03/2013 22:55

I can't take my children swimming on my own because our local pool has a 1:1 ratio for under 5s. So if I want to go swimming with my children, I need to take at least one other adult into the pool.

MsAkimbo · 07/03/2013 22:55

I don't know how people have more than one kid. My night is all-consumed by my DD. Honestly, whenever my Dh/Dm/Dmil offer to help, I accept. Am I a bad parent?

cory · 07/03/2013 22:55

If I had asserted my right to cope alone all the time, I don't suppose dh would have grown into the highly capable and confident parent that he is. Which would have been everybody's loss.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 07/03/2013 22:55

But my Mum doesn't 'co-parent' them Confused she loves spending time with them, and if that time also means I can be ill in peace then she enjoys it more knowing it benefits her daughter if that makes sense.

NaturalBaby · 07/03/2013 22:55

If they're happy with the arrangement then it's obviously not a problem.

It wouldn't work for me - I need to know I can cope with my 3 on my own in case I don't have the luxury of help when I need it.

MsVestibule · 07/03/2013 22:57

AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone? Fair enough, yes, parents should be able to do this, and the vast majority (IME) do, but often, if help is available, they choose not to. Bit of a difference.

From your latest post, your AIBU should really read "AIBU to get fed up of being pitied because I don't have help available?".

WickWackThurso · 07/03/2013 22:57

Are you seriously suggesting that if you're ill, and you're lucky enough have a partner or mother who can help you, you should decline? Why?!

I absolutely expect dh to help when dds are poorly - we share through increased workload. There are 2 of us, why would only one do the work?

Wrt to swimming - most pools have strict rules and may not allow 2 non swimmers to 1 parent.

You sound like a lovely friend.....

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 07/03/2013 22:57

I wasn't saying mother, I said parent. I agree parenting is team work but do think both parents should be capable of doing everything alone should they have to - I.e if their DP was hospitalised

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 07/03/2013 22:57

Good point cory.

mummyplum1 · 07/03/2013 23:00

It's great for a child to have the attention and support of both parents and extended family too.

I think the OP was referring to SAHMs being unable to take their own DC (presumably just like herself two rather than six of them and excluding SEN) to the shops/ for an activity like swimming without someone else to help. In which case, I do agree with her apart from the illness bit which makes no sense.
I think that some people who do have the option of lots of help can become a little frightened about their ability to cope when they would probably be fine if they didn't have the option or perhaps they become a bit lazy..

IneedAgoldenNickname · 07/03/2013 23:00

wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill.

You said husband or Mum in the OP! I don't have a husband, my ex is a twat. My Mum otoh is mainly fab

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 23:01

I can do all those things by myself but by god if there is someone nearby with a hint of a pulse who can help then I'm taking what I can get!

And agree you have a lovely age gap.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 07/03/2013 23:02

OP, if you had phrased it differently then I think people would be more understanding.

Other people should not be pitying you for not having help available; it's none of their business and you sound perfectly capable.

But you shouldn't be judging others for making the most of that help when it is available.

ariane5 · 07/03/2013 23:02

I am not capable at all of looking after my dcs by myself. Simply cannot do it its far too much hard work!

I always need dh to help me (or my mum/sister if they are not busy) and I dread days when I know I will be alone as I get nothing done and end up incredibly stressed.

MIL is disgusted at me-according to her I should NEVER ask dh for help! Her words to me earlier this week were "men go to work and do the garden, women do everything else, I don't understand your new way of doing things but its making dh ill he needs to rest not be up in the night with children" !!!

I think it is perfectly reasonable to need help with dcs so YABU

pictish · 07/03/2013 23:03

Oh god OP you have not thought this through at all!
Everyone is different. To each their own.
My mil has been known to watch my lot for few hours when I've been ill. Yes please and thank you is what you say to that.

Glad you're so pleased with yourself. Really I am. You sound happy actually.
That's nice for you.
Everyone is different.

Wandastartup · 07/03/2013 23:03

I don't have much help and have managed all the things stated by OP (with a small age gap) but if I'd had willing family nearby I would have bitten their hands off if they offered to have the kids while I went shopping etc!
Now I feel sorry for my kids that we don't have relatives at school events/ collecting from school now and again.
I can manage all these things but it would be really nice not to have to sometimes!

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 23:03

One of the things I'm most looking forward to when the children leave home is being ill. Oh to be ill and stay in bed and fester undisturbed.

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 23:04

I am not sure what business it is of yours but since you're asking I am a lone parent of two dc with SN. I've got so many medals it takes me two hours to put them on in the morning. I am thinking of changing my name to Mr T.

HarrietSchulenberg · 07/03/2013 23:05

YANBU. When ds3 was born the other two were 4 and 7. I know plenty of other parents who were amazed when I took them all for whole days out on my own as they wouldn't dream of leaving the house with 3 without the help of at least one other adult. We wouldn't sit around waiting for H to have a day off or for my mum to come over - we just went out.

My neighbour's daughter has three girls of similar ages to mine and every night that her DH goes out or is working late she rings her mum to come over to help out with bedtime. Or drops one of them off for a sleepover at nannies as she just can't cope with all three together. Her mum told me that she's getting a bit fed up of it and thinks daughter should just get on with it.

But then again I know plenty of other parents with multiple small children who did "just get on with it", and, like me, actually enjoy/ed it. Oddly enough they're the ones who are my friends, and the ones who couldn't cope with more than one at a time are the ones who were stuck at home a lot.