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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

204 replies

angelicstar · 07/03/2013 16:01

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 07/03/2013 20:01

Op - as your parents get older you start to realise that they really won't be around forever and that time is precious. If one of my parents were hospitalised that would be my priority.

A husband who cares about his mum at a time like this has got to be a good thing surely?

FannyFifer · 07/03/2013 20:12

But visiting time ends at what 8pm, can then drive home & help out during the night & morning if needed.

Can do both, no need to choose.

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 20:13

I've thought about this some more while doing bedtime....I hate my MIL. She is a vile vile woman about whom I have ranted many times in my previous MN incarnations. I will (in my head) dance on her grave when the time comes because her children, including my dp, will finally be free of her.

And I would still 100% insist that dp go to be with her and stay with her, were she to be in hospital.

FannyFifer · 07/03/2013 20:14

Was joking about LTB, i just going by what DP would do in same circumstance.

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 20:14

Fanny, the hospital is 2 hrs away apparently.

Pantah630 · 07/03/2013 20:16

It seems pretty conclusive so far but I just wanted to add my twopenneth - YABU. Surely the correct response to this situation is "don't worry about a thing, look after your parents, we can cope"? Poor DH, guilt-ridden if he stays and guilt-ridden if he leaves.

This^^ YABVU and selfish, get a grip.

I wish your MiL and DD a speedy recovery.

Pantah630 · 07/03/2013 20:19

And OP, imagine the boot on the other foot. I imagine you'd be whining that your DH couldn't cope with 2 DC while you visited your Mum and we'd all be agreeing with you saying your DH was being unreasonable and a prat.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/03/2013 20:29

To me, this is all about context. If the OP generally feels that her DH puts himself out for her and the children, then she'd be unreasonable about the present situation.

If, however, she feels her DH doesn't pull his weight, listen or put himself out for her and the DC s then I can see she might be a bit unhappy at the moment

DumSpiroSpero · 07/03/2013 20:38

I'm with NotTreadingGrapes 100%.

I cannot stand my MIL but if she were ill enough to warrant a three week hospital stay, I would expect DH to prioritise her over me and/or DD having a nasty cold.

And if the situation were reversed & he started stropping abour me going to spend time with poorly parents, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms exactly where to get off.

Keep DD1 at home tomorrow if you have a rough night, a day of being sofa bound with lots of cuddles & Disney DVD's is not going to hurt anyone.

bangwhizz · 07/03/2013 20:40

Just keep your 4 yo off school and all snuggle up on the sofa watching telly for a day or 2

LaQueen · 07/03/2013 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 07/03/2013 21:04

Title of this made me feel as if I had to come and post, because I was expecting the usual MIL bashing thread. Thankfully, it doesn't seem to be the case.

Same as LaQueen: MIL isn't my favourite person, neither is she my least favourite, but she's still DH's mum. I could muddle through a few days in the OP's situation without him if he needed/wanted to visit his mum in hospital.

KitchenandJumble · 07/03/2013 21:07

YABU. It really isn't a contest about who is the priority. In this instance, your DH made the decision to be with his ill hospitalised mother. That is perfectly understandable. But it certainly doesn't mean that your DH doesn't care about your children. I'm sure he cares about them very much. He's right that time is finite and he has to divide his time among all the members of his family. But (and I can't think of a way to say this without sounding sickeningly sentimental) love is infinite. He can love his children with all his heart and still love his mother too.

I do understand that taking care of a little one with a virus can be draining. But do try to be understanding about your DH's feelings too. Even if your MIL's illness isn't life threatening, your DH is probably quite worried about her. If he wants to be with her, he should be with her.

Kiwiinkits · 07/03/2013 21:08

YABU. And wet.

firesidechat · 07/03/2013 21:08

This has to be the first thread where I genuinely don't understand the few posters who have said YANBU.

I'm also one of those people with a somewhat "complicated" relationship with her mil and I would still be encouraging my husband to spend time with his sick mum. Apart from anything else, his dad might be very thankful of the extra support.

I've always thought that we didn't have a particularly close wider family but, after reading this, I've revised that view somewhat.

NorthernLurker · 07/03/2013 21:16

I think you need to man up too OP.

lemonstartree · 07/03/2013 21:20

to be fair OP, I also think YABU. DD has a viral illness. you are not in hospital and nor is she. His mum IS...

get a grip

alistron1 · 07/03/2013 21:55

YABU. This is life. My MIL was ill on and off for the last 10 years of her life. This involved occasional hospital stays. You don't just 'visit' your parents in hospital, they will need clean clothes, they will need reassuring, they might need help with navigating life on a busy hospital ward. Your FIL might be worried or exhausted, ditto your SIL.

This is your husbands MUM. She's in hospital, it might not be life and death but she's obviously been pretty ill.

I've been in the position of keeping family life going whilst DP 'visited' his mum - it's hard but it's just what you have to do.

redplasticspoon · 07/03/2013 22:00

FWIW I think people are being unnecessarily harsh to the op. She has said that she is struggling at home. It is a difficult situation all round. Are there any friends or family who can help you? Could you get paid help for a short time?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/03/2013 22:04

Alistron

Me too, for months on end. Which is why i know sometimes you don't have lovely neat generous emotions ( and my MIL died) . What you do about them is another matter, mind you.

I also agree that calling the OP precious wet etc ( any name calling, actually ) isn't very helpful.

BoringTheBuilder · 07/03/2013 22:06

There's a old saying in my country:
If you want to know how your future spouse will treat you...Observe how they treat their parents....

Enough said

Fakebook · 07/03/2013 22:10

Redplastic, her DH went to meet his mum on Monday and has been home the rest of the week. Why would she be struggling? She's better now too. She's just being selfish. I think her DH is a really good man for getting his priorities right this time. If only all men were like this

aldiwhore · 07/03/2013 22:20

Well I must be U because when my Mum was ill in hospital and not dying I dropped everything, left DH in charge of a one year old and a 5 year old poorly child and travelled to the other end of the country until my Mum got the nod from the consultant that she was well on the way to being better and would be discharged soon... I left within 2 hours of the phone call, and didn't give an exact idea of when I'd return.

I don't even like my Mum that much as a person, but she's my MUM, and DH can cope... even if it wasn't nice for him, he was capable of having a crap time with a poorly child and a baby.

For that I have to say YABU.

Likewise, when DH's Mum was ill (though dying to be fair) I accpeted DH wouldn't be around for a few days (we didn't actually know she was dying at the time, that little nugget of information had been kept from us) even though I'd just had a baby (like the previous day, and it was our first).

I understand the struggle, I understand feeling frustrated that life chucks this shit at you, I understand how horrible it is to have poorly children... I cannot tie that up with you being reasonable however.

Sometimes you just have to ride the crisis.

Andro · 07/03/2013 22:28

Haven't looked at the whole thread; if OP or her DD is infectious, how sensible is it of him to be visiting someone who is already recovering from illness? I'm not sure hospitals like those who have been exposed to infections visiting, if he hasn't checked with the nurses then he is BVU...and potentially endangering others.

HeathRobinson · 08/03/2013 09:10

Well, I take my YANBU back. When I read the op, I thought op's dh had been with his mum all week and that op could do with some support at home.

Sorry for misreading.