Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

204 replies

angelicstar · 07/03/2013 16:01

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/03/2013 16:36

I agree with most - I think you need to let him be with his parents. She may not be dangerously ill this week, but when she does go, he will know he did spend time there, and if that's what he feels he must do, then that's what he must do. I know when my parents were in hospital, dh just took up the reins, let me concentrate on my parents, and he dealt with the children. It's what you do.
Why not ask another parent to drop your older one to school and back tomorrow ?

TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 16:37

His child is a bit ill with a virus, as are several thousand two year olds at this very moment somewhere in England.
I wonder if the OP manages normally, or if she regularly complains about her OH not helping enough when the children are both well and lively. His response was snappy and unsupportive, and that made me wonder.
His mum is in hospital and he'll be home tomorrow for the weekend. Surely he can do his bit then and OP can stay in bed.

Jinsei · 07/03/2013 16:39

Sorry but yabu and a bit precious.

From what you've said, you don't sound that ill whereas MIL obviously has been. Why shouldn't he be there to support his mum and other family members?

A dear friend of mine has just gone abroad for 3 months to be with her very sick mother, leaving her DH and 9yo dd to fend for themselves while she is away. It has been incredibly hard for her to make that choice, but she doesn't want any regrets when her mum is no longer around. I'm thankful that her DH is so supportive in this.

Wife & kids don't automatically take priority over elderly parents. You're all family, so it's about whose need is the greatest.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

complexnumber · 07/03/2013 16:41

Seen from his POV he cannot win can he?

He's a git whatever he does. Poor bloke

seeker · 07/03/2013 16:42

Ring a friend. Ask her to do the school run for you. Stay in bed with little one.

Let your dh be a son. He hasn't stopped being a son because he is now a husband and father.

Fakebook · 07/03/2013 16:42

Yabvu. As someone who cares part time for an elderly ill father, it would be bloody brilliant if my brother shared the caring with me, but he only looks out for his own wife and children and has seemed to have forgotten he has a father. I resent him greatly for this. It's bordering hate these days and I've cut off as much contact as possible because of these bad feelings.

You should be glad you have a husband who cares for his parents and is helping his sister whilst their mother is in hospital. What a good example he is setting his children too. You're going to get old/ill too one day.

TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 16:44

Flip the genders and see what happens.
My mum is in hospital, my DH has manflu and DD2 is not well with a virus and a temperature, DH says he can't cope for 24 hours whilst I visit mum and that I must come home right now.
I don't know what I should do.

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 16:46

Flip the genders and I'd tell him to get his arse into gear, stop being so pathetic and manflu-y and look after his kids while I stayed with my mother.

Actually, if he said he couldn't cope I'd have to hit him with a shovel.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 07/03/2013 16:47

I think maybe people are missing that he has already been with his mum all week. The OP isn't asking him not to visit his mum, she is asking him to come home after a week of it. It's not like he couldn't go back again either, its 2 hours, a lot of people do more than that as a daily commute.

Angelic, if it was your mum who was ill, would your dp automatically assume that he would take time off work (for a whole week or more) to look after his children while you visited your mum? Or would he say you'd have to take the kids with you or only visit for a day or find someone else to look after them? I.e. would he do for you what he assumes you will do for him?

Lol at all the people assuming Angelic must surely have friends and family around to support her, and simultaneously assuming that the MIL needs the dh full-time and no one else.

And Betty - how is visiting your sick mum for a week, and then going home to look after your sick wife and child "shoving parents aside"?

Original poster
angelicstar · 07/03/2013 16:48

Thanks for your opinions

Just to make it clear his mother is getting better now - she is not seriously ill or at deaths door and he saw her on Monday. FIL/SIL and her husband are all near and capable of doing hospital visits and she has friends etc so it is not all falling on one person.

I just feel that young children are a priority. I know for certain that my mother wouldn't dream of expecting me to visit her if my kids were ill. In fact she would tell me off if I did as she would say my place was with the kids!

When my children have kids I would always want them to prioritise their children I have had then so that they can go out in the world and do their own thing - not to care for me when I am old. I would personally feel very guilty to drag one of my DDs away from my poorly grandchild.

It is just upsetting that he doesn't seem to care about poor DD - and she was really looking forward to seeing him tonight and asking about him.

OP posts:
MTSgroupie · 07/03/2013 16:48

I was in this situation a few weeks ago except it was my mother in hospital.

I got a call from my sister at about 8pm to say that mum had gone into hospital. It was 'only' an infection but when you are 87 with a history of bad health .....

Anyway, I told DP what was happening and how I be back in a few days (parents live 2 hours away). I got a similar speech about how my mum always comes first and how it was bedlam at work so looking after the kids plus sorting out work was going to be a nightmare.

My 87 yr old mum was in hospital and all DP was thinking of was work and the school run Angry.

It doesn't surprise me that your DH spoke to you in that 'tone' because that was how I spoke to mine. Sorry OP but in my book, an elderly hospitalised mum kind of trumps everything. It doesn't mean that I don't love my DP or DCs.

Aspiemum2 · 07/03/2013 16:49

Precisely what Anyfucker said, word for word.
Your dh has probably been really worried about his Mum, I think you should be more supportive about that. Kids get bugs all the time, you just have to deal with it

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 07/03/2013 16:50

After pondering this for a while, I think YABU. Sorry, but putting myself in his position, I would find it very upsetting to have my mum in hospital and would hope that DH would support me spending as much time with her as I could. If DH gave me a hard time over it and tried to make me prioritise one over the other, I would be quite cross.

Jinsei · 07/03/2013 16:50

Thinking about this further, I recall my ninth birthday party. My mum missed it because she was with my grandmother who had cancer. Our neighbour looked after us and sorted out my party as my dad had to be away for work.

It was an odd birthday without either of my parents, I suppose, but I'm so glad that my mum didn't come home for it - my grandmother died unexpectedly on that day, and it was right that my mum was there with her.

Some people are so selfish!

ENormaSnob · 07/03/2013 16:51

Where does it say he's been there a week?

Op states he drove down mon and is going again tonight.

Original poster
angelicstar · 07/03/2013 16:51

BerthaTheBogCleaner - he certainly wouldn't take time off work to look after the kids you are right. I would just have to take the kids or fit it in when I could.

Also obviously if she wasn't expected to last long then of course he should be up there but she is expected to be out of hospital by the weekend!

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/03/2013 16:51

Bertha - that was in response where someone said for better for worse, made it sound like once you make your marriage vows then your spouse is always to take priority!

Seriously, unless you have been in a position where a parent has been seriously ill then you wont understand........it's a massive worry, my mum was on my mind all the time. If DH had felt rough and DS was poorly and my DH had said he would rather I stayed home I would have thought he was a right pillock!!

TobyLerone · 07/03/2013 16:52

YABU and selfish, I think.

Your child has you there. Your husband wants to see his mum. You and your daughter will be in your husband's life long after his mum isn't there any more. Plenty of time for him to prioritise you.

Tbh, I'd go so far as to say you owe your DH an apology for making him feel torn right now.

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 16:52

OP- then you tell your daughter that unfortunately, Granny is ill, so ill that she is in hospital and so Daddy has to stay away a bit longer.

I bet she's a lot more understanding about it than you.

HeySoulSister · 07/03/2013 16:54

You've been Ill op... No longer are ?

ilovecolinfirth · 07/03/2013 16:54

Not that I'm suggesting that she's dying as you said she's getting better, however....I've recently realised my parents won't be around forever and that time is precious with them.

I do think he could have said things a bit better, but hey, that's probably typical of many men?!

On another note, hope you and your children get well soon! X

hugoagogo · 07/03/2013 16:55

YANBU

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 16:55

Made a quick recovery has she? I thought she was "going to be out in about a week".

Jinsei · 07/03/2013 16:55

Sorry OP, but your second post sounds even more precious. Your dd has a virus! You judged her well enough to take her out on the school run, so she can't be that poorly.

I feel sorry for your DH. :(

ENormaSnob · 07/03/2013 16:55

Op, I thought you were unreasonable in the first place but saying its ok because she has fil and sil there makes you even more so imo.

What about how your dh feels?

Just because they live closer how is it fair that it all falls to them?

I live closest to my grandparents and would be seriously fucked off if my bil had the same attitude as you.