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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

204 replies

angelicstar · 07/03/2013 16:01

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

OP posts:
goldface · 07/03/2013 18:52

YABU i'm afraid.

I would want my DH to be able to visit his poorly mum without having to worry or feel guilty and I would see the kids needs, poorly or otherwise, as being my priority.

I know that I could expect the same if the positions were reversed.

AThingInYourLife · 07/03/2013 18:52

"For anyone that says the mil doesn't need the dh as she has other family members looking after her what about what the dh wants?"

I said that because I thought he had been down there visiting constantly all week.

I thought if she was on the mend now it woukd be reasonable to come home, go back to work, help poorly wife and regroup for heading back down at the weekend.

If the last time he was down was Monday evening and he's been living life as normal all week, then of course he should go back down tonight.

BaresarkBunny · 07/03/2013 19:01

thegreylady Do you have a ds? I always find that saying fucking horrible.

OP yabu.

Maybe the dh doesn't see it as a duty maybe he just, I don't know, cares about his dm?

Dottiespots · 07/03/2013 19:07

Well I would definately get on the phone and tell him that you and the kids will be fine. Tell him to stay with his mum and family for as long as it takes. You will look after things at home. He will thank you so much for this and will feel that you are a partner not an extra child for him to have to look after.

pictish · 07/03/2013 19:08

THegreyladY I hate that saying. It's a load of old shit.

lurkedtoolong · 07/03/2013 19:15

A son is your son till he takes him a wife.....

Bullshit - absolutely horrible phrase. I'd hate my DH to think that about his mother.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 19:17

I love my MIL with all my heart. I would want my DH to support her in any way he could

if he didn't, he wouldn't be the man I thought he was

I don't wonder this bloke spoke sharply to OP when she whinged about a virus or summat, and having to do the school run < horrors!>

a grip needs getting here

bassetfeet · 07/03/2013 19:20

I just dont get it truly .
I am mother in law and past daughter in law . Try so hard to understand this post and others actually .
Family with all its arggh times is just that [unless you have abuse issues x] .
We all muddle about and support each other if we can . Dont we ?

One day ......this ill woman will be you one day and longing to see her son or daughter and feeling guilty for asking . Hope your daughter in law is kinder when the time comes .

redskyatnight · 07/03/2013 19:24

I don't think anyone's yet pointed out that as well as visiting his mum, DH might well want to spend time with his sister and dad.

My mum was in hospital last year. It knocked my (normally very capable) father for 6. He appreciated my being around as much (or maybe more) than my mother did.

And to pick up on a sarcastic comment made earlier, if DH doesn't visit - his sister will certainly feel that she has to do the bulk of the work.

mumandboys123 · 07/03/2013 19:24

more to the point, would you want to be with a man who didn't give due consideration to supporting and comforting what is clearly a very sick mum?

YABU, in my opinion. You only get one set of parents. I lost my dad 4 years ago. I wasn't with him when he died because my so-called husband had just walked out and was playing silly what-nots with the children and trying to tell the courts that I had left them with him because I didn't want them (my parents live nearly 300 miles away) so I had no choice but to leave children of school age with him as I had no idea how long I would be - he was dying, that much we knew, but had no idea of timescales. How he sleeps at night I'll never know but needless to say, situations such at that make things very clear (for me at least) - being there for your sick parents is important because you have no idea if it's the last time you will see them. You are young and presumably generally healthy. He can expect to see you again. He can't say the same of his mum, regardless of whether she is apparently improving.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 07/03/2013 19:25

It's rubbish being ill, but if it's just a virus then OP YABU, sorry. Hopefully you and your DD will be feeling lots better in the morning. I dare say your DH will be home reasonably early tomorrow. Sorry to be presumptuous, but would he not be at work anyway on a Friday? I am sure you can manage overnight.

What exactly is wrong with his MIL?

Ihatemytoes · 07/03/2013 19:25

YABU, but you probably know that by now. Your DH is probably stressed worrying about his mum, then you go and pile even more pressure on.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 07/03/2013 19:27

And I really don't like your thread title - its really over dramatic and unnecessary.

INeverSaidThat · 07/03/2013 19:28

Based on what you have said I think YABU.

I would not have asked (and haven't asked my DH to look after me and the kids in similar circumstances)

I am sure DD2 would have been wrapped up in the rain, possibly you even had her in a pushchair? Are you sure you can't manage on your own?

I bet your DH feels really awful now. Do you not have anyone else who can help you?

I hope you all feel better soon. Thanks

FannyFifer · 07/03/2013 19:31

I would prob tell him not to bother coming back from his dads.

Of course he should come home.

TobyLerone · 07/03/2013 19:33

Overreaction much, Fanny? Shock

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 07/03/2013 19:35

Really fanny, you'd tell your DH not to bother coming home because he was spending time with his sick mother in hospital? Jeez, what a lovely relationship you must have!

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 07/03/2013 19:36

Can't believe we have a LTB on this thread!

AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 19:36

perhaps Fanny is being ironic ?

ScarletLady02 · 07/03/2013 19:37

I can understand you're feeling yucky, and it's horrible when you or the children are ill but to be honest if it was me, I'd suck it up and get on with it. I'd tell DH to be there for his Mum as much as he wants and struggle on. He's close to his Mum and worries about her health a lot, so if she was in hospital I'd expect him to be there....the only time I'd put my foot down was if either me or DD was in hospital and needed him. Dealing with ill kids when you're feeling shit is a struggle....but it's doable.

TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 19:37

Quote the whole saying, TheGreyLady

'a son is a son till he takes him a wife a daughter is a daughter all of her life'

So a daughter's responsibility is to her parents, over her partner and any children they have? That's the sexist guilt trap that's been used to blackmail women for years.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 07/03/2013 19:41

That's very interesting boojum, I hadn't heard the whole saying.

ScarletLady02 · 07/03/2013 19:44

Sorry totally off topic, but boojum - I love your username....is it a Lewis Carroll reference? Grin

SneakyNinja · 07/03/2013 19:46

It's not about who gets priority, it's about which need gets priority. I completely understand how fed up you must be dealing with a sick DC alone but in this instance, DH needs to be giving his time to his Mum in hospital.

Delayingtactic · 07/03/2013 19:57

Ok OP I hope you get why people are saying YABU. It's crappy being at home with sick DC when you're sick yourself but its just everyday illness. If your DH was stopping out to see his parents because his mom had a cold then I'd agree that he should come home. And trust me when I say that hospitals will discharge patients when they're not 100% better for lots of reasons (one being that people, especially the elderly, do recuperate better in their own home). So while she might be nearing fit for discharge, she may not be 'healthy' yet. And also a lot can happen to elderly sick patients in hospital over a week.

Have a whinge to a RL friend, talk to your DH and let him be with mom.