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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

204 replies

angelicstar · 07/03/2013 16:01

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

OP posts:
nomoreplease · 07/03/2013 17:54

It's one bloody night when he wants to see his sick mum. Can you not back him up take some beechams and get on with things?

Kids get sick at times and we have to cope, get the other kids to school, take the day off work, hell even feed everyone. Can you not see how lovely it is that your DH cares so much about his sick mother. I think it's pretty admirable, a lot if men wouldn't put themselves out half as much.

Jinsei · 07/03/2013 17:55

I remember reading somewhere years ago something along the lines of "The family that you came from is not as important as the family you will create".

I think this is bullshit! All family is important, and you prioritise where the need is greatest!

TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 17:57

It's just occurred to me that this is a MN thread mostly supporting a DH AND A MIL!
Shock Shock Shock Shock Shock Shock

It should be in classics as a rare and exotic example.

bangwhizz · 07/03/2013 17:57

Op - where do your own family live?

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 17:59

Grin Nebulous...I thought that, and I am one who wrote the Book Of Hatred for mine!

sparkle101 · 07/03/2013 18:00

For anyone that says the mil doesn't need the dh as she has other family members looking after her what about what the dh wants? If it was me I would be with my mum like a shot. Just because I went and had a family with dh doesn't mean she's any less important. The same would apply to my mil and dh too, I would never make him choose. That is selfish and unfair.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2013 18:03

YABU

Surely you just pop the poorly toddler in the buggy and pull the rain cover down.

CMOTDibbler · 07/03/2013 18:05

My dads been in hospital this week, and though it wasn't life threatening, its still been another knock back in his health, and sorting things out for him to be home has taken loads of time and effort. So, I'm with your dh - he should be there to support his mum, dad and sister (because being the one who is there is bloomin hard).

Jins · 07/03/2013 18:06

Sorry but even I think YABU and that's rare on a MIL thread :)

lookingfoxy · 07/03/2013 18:10

My dp's dad was ill recently and subsequently died, this wasn't expected though, but I chased dp up to the hospital as he was elderly and its his DAD!
I could hardly move off the couch I was so ill with pregnancy sickness and had ds to look after as well.
DP has a huge family and they were all up and down to the hospital constantly, it doesn't make any difference who else is there, you want to spend time with the person that brought you into this world when their poorly.

DontmindifIdo · 07/03/2013 18:11

Am I the only one who's picked up on the fact this is a man who's been living with a DW and DD who are very ill with a virus (obviously an infectious one as OP has caught it from DD), and is just going to wander into a hospital where there's various very vunerable people and not call first to check they wouldn't prefer he stays away in case he's also currently harbouring that nasty virus?

What's a couple of days feeling rotten for a healthy 30something is potentially life threatening to a lot of older people who are already ill... Get him to check before visiting, not for your sake, for his own mother's... (perhaps I'm a tad over caucious as my Grandad died 15 years ago from complications from the flu, having caught it while in hospital already from someone visiting another paitent in the same ward).

ModernToss · 07/03/2013 18:11

YABU, and very weedy.

DontmindifIdo · 07/03/2013 18:13

Also, it might not be for his mum he wants to go, have you thought going and staying with FIL might be about looking after FIL? He's also an older person who's DW is in hospital, she might be fine, but he might be finding it hard.

lookingfoxy · 07/03/2013 18:16

I also used to sleep on the couch to make him a coffee and have a chat when he came in.
Its called being supportive OP.

adeucalione · 07/03/2013 18:17

It seems pretty conclusive so far but I just wanted to add my twopenneth - YABU. Surely the correct response to this situation is "don't worry about a thing, look after your parents, we can cope"? Poor DH, guilt-ridden if he stays and guilt-ridden if he leaves.

Jinsei · 07/03/2013 18:19

Surely the correct response to this situation is "don't worry about a thing, look after your parents, we can cope"?

^^ This

thegreylady · 07/03/2013 18:21

YANBU-a man's first priority is to his wife and family-always.If his mother were desperately ill or in need I would expect a decent person to regard that as top priority. A son is your son till he takes him a wife.....

Growlithe · 07/03/2013 18:22

YABU. DH and I have both had to support each other when our parents were ill. We did it because we cared for each others feelings and also we both cared for the poorly parent.

If DD has been crying for her dad, it is up to you to manage her expectations of when she will see him again.

BabyRoger · 07/03/2013 18:22

YABU

Even if it's not life threatening, they do not usually put people in hospital for days on end for no good reason.

It's shit when you are on your own and not feeling great and one of the kids is ill but it really doesn't mean that your DH should not be there for his mum who is in hospital.

I feel sorry for your DH and MIL.

Dottiespots · 07/03/2013 18:26

Your poor husband....he obviously loves his mum and has probably been really worried about her and is going to spend one night away seeing her. I think you really should tell him that its all ok. The kids just have a bug and you can cope with it. Tell him to enjoy his time with his family and not to rush back. You making him feel guilty is really not good for your relationship. You are a grown up and can certainly look after your children by yourself. Millions of other single mums have to with no help from anyone else.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/03/2013 18:34

I will give you the benefit of the doubt OP and say you probably posted this feeling grotty and strung out and anticipating a rotten night with poorly DD and all the faff of a school run in the morning.

It is unlucky timing but honestly, give DH a break, he will be home all weekend and able to help out. Meanwhile his mum has been very ill and yes, she is due out soon and your SIL is close by but probably does the lion's share of parent visits all year round as she lives nearer PILs?

If DD2 is unwell tomorrow morning call school and say DD1 can't come in. She's 4 she won't miss anything of vast importance. She may well pass something on anyway so might as well stay home with you and her sister.

hugoagogo · 07/03/2013 18:34

This is so horrible.

The op does not deserve this character assasination.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 18:35

I don't think her husband deserves the "character assassination", frankly

if there was any "assassination" going on, that is

TobyLerone · 07/03/2013 18:42

Quite. And I repeat: I think the OP owes her husband an apology.

RattyRoland · 07/03/2013 18:50

Yanbu. I hope your dh comes and helps you and your dds feeling better soon!