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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

204 replies

angelicstar · 07/03/2013 16:01

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 07/03/2013 17:12

"I spent over 3 weeks in hospital when I was pregnant and it was one of the loneliest times ever"

:(

Last time I spoke to my Dad my Granny hadn't had a single visitor in nearly a fortnight.

WVB apparently.

I feel so sorry for her.

complexnumber · 07/03/2013 17:12

"Bet he leaves the hard work to his sister, though. "

Downright nasty sexist remark, based upon nothing.

bassetfeet · 07/03/2013 17:14

I do understand how difficult life is for you at the moment OP. At night especially when alone with poorly children and feeling yuck yourself .

I sigh though because as mother to adult boys ..and a daughter in law in the past of course . Why put the man through choosing ?

He feels he needs to be with his mum tonight and probably support his father a bit. Getting older makes you vulnerable sadly and a visit from your child can make a huge difference . This made me cry actually as my OH is ill . Hate to think any visit to us is making my son feel under duress .

Hope you sort it out and all are feeling better tomorrow .

TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 17:16

I'm remembering the time when my DF was hospitalised very suddenly when DH was away at a conference and I grabbed my bag, ran out the door and yelled 'You're in charge DD, no arguing DS'
That was at teatime.
Came back around 2am to find she'd cooked dinner, sorted her brother bathwise and homeworkwise, sent him to bed at the usual time managed her stuff, set out uniform for the next day and left me a detailed note praising him for not being a bother at all, despite the fact they usually argued.
She was 14, with a stinking heavy cold and he has SN and could be challenging.
But it was necessary.

AThingInYourLife · 07/03/2013 17:17

It was based on the fact that I thought he'd been down there, off work all week visiting his mother twice a day and was planning to stay until she was released, regardless of what was happening at home.

Some people thrive on the drama of illness but do shag all to offer practical support.

Floggingmolly · 07/03/2013 17:18

His mum is his priority. At the moment, because she's in hospital.
If she's being released in "about a week" you can guarantee she's pretty ill because if she was even approaching ok she'd be despatched immediately.
I can understand you feeling pissed off, but you are being UR.

MsPavlichenko · 07/03/2013 17:20

I expect that your DH wants to spent some time with his Dad. No matter that your MIL is getting better, he will be worried sick, and missing her. It's great that your DH is able to do this, and your MIL will appreciate it too.

My DD and DM both died prematurely, but all my GPs had time in hospital, and I remember realising that, even if they were going to recover, that they were sometimes frightened. They needed us around. I am sure that your DH is doing the right thing here.

Whoknowswhocares · 07/03/2013 17:20

Yabu.

You are a bit unwell. A cough,cold,virus? Whatever it is, you have clearly been well enough to look after your kids so far this week and have not even mentioned a diagnosis so I'm assuming you haven't needed to bother the doctor.
Your dd is also a bit unwell. An unspecified virus, but not ill enough to prevent you taking her on the school run and certainly not confined to bed. She will have dozens over her childhood. You are doing her no favours by over dramatising every last sniffle
You sound extremely self absorbed and selfish. What if YOU were the one in hospital? I bet you would think it more important that you got visited than someone else in the family got help with a random non-serious virus?
If feel sorry for your OH. He is getting it in the neck for having sensible priorities imo!

Fakebook · 07/03/2013 17:20

I am actually shocked that OP is getting so pissed off when this is the first time her mil has been in hospital.

My dad had a fall late last year and was in hospital for a night. I spent the whole day and evening with him in A&E and my DH didn't even bat an eyelid. He had our 5 year old and DS who was 10 months then and was suffering from a cold.
DH had to go abroad when his Aunt (who'd raised him) was ill and I was left with my then 4 year old and 3 month old son for 2 weeks. She ended up dying.

You just can't have tantrums about things like this and I really hate this term "languishing alone" you've used in your OP. You seem really heartless and cold.

crashdoll · 07/03/2013 17:21

Another YABU. A childhood illness is not comparable to MIL who is ill enough to be in hospital even if she isn't at death's door.

somewhereaclockisticking · 07/03/2013 17:26

I remember reading somewhere years ago something along the lines of "The family that you came from is not as important as the family you will create". Of course he has responsibilities to his mother but as you say, she is not suffering alone, she has a husband and daughter. You need him right now - you are ill and cannot take care of 2 children properly if you don't feel well - as the father he has responsibilities to the children and as a husband he has responsibilities. It's not about splitting his time - you and the children should always come first. If however, you don't get along with the MIL and you ask him on a regular basis to stay home then he knows that you might just be saying you're feeling unwell and therefore he has to make a decision about whether to believe you or not. My DH is very close to his family but if I asked him not to go as I felt unwell and he then insisted on going I'm afraid I would really get very angry with him!!

TidyDancer · 07/03/2013 17:27

I think YABU. You don't sound very supportive, which is a shame, as you should be. His mother is in hospital. Regardless of how serious it is, a parent being hospitalised can be a shock to the system and a reminder that they will not be around forever. No wonder he wants to spend time with her.

I would suck it up and deal with the DCs on my own if I was in your position, as would DP if I asked him to.

I think you are mean if you guilt trip him into coming home unnecessarily.

ll31 · 07/03/2013 17:29

yabvu,, and sound quite cold hearted. a child with a virus and you are putting pressure on him while his mother is v ill.... think you mighy Be embarrassed if you read this in a few days

TidyDancer · 07/03/2013 17:30

I understood that the OP wasn't actually ill....maybe I read that wrong.

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 17:31

She was ill. Now she's not. I think.

Vev · 07/03/2013 17:32

I think YABU.

TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 17:32

OP said 'Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature.'

So, past tense and in the whingy recovery stage probably.

waltermittymissus · 07/03/2013 17:33

FFS how ridiculous!

Have a big dose of get over yourself!

Floggingmolly · 07/03/2013 17:33

Hopefully that will resonate with you even more when your kids dump you in a home in order to spend more time with their new, important families, somewhere.

Whoknowswhocares · 07/03/2013 17:34

nottreadinggrapes

If she wasn't ill, she wouldn't still be in hospital. They don't keep beds open for people who don't need them, especially when they have family living with them to help them recuperate

Whoknowswhocares · 07/03/2013 17:36

Edit..... Err, might have read that wrong, I assumed the 'she' who was not ill was the mil. Just dawned on me it could be either the Op or daughter too Blush

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/03/2013 17:41

Smile Yup, I'm with the husband on this one! The wife I think is no longer ill!

Maryz · 07/03/2013 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeeBopDingALing · 07/03/2013 17:53

YABVU. She is hospital and your DH is probably worried sick and you are putting pressure on him and making him feel guilty for wanting to be there for his mother. Ill or not I think you should call him and say sorry for being so unreasonable.

BeeBopDingALing · 07/03/2013 17:53

*She is in hospital