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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/03/2013 10:48

There is a massive gap between reading words and understanding them. This has been amply demonstrated on this thread; but thank you Lottie and beenhereyears, for adding to the data. When you have read - at least op's posts - could you come back and show which camp you fall into? We need to know whether compehension occurs, or not.

xigris · 08/03/2013 10:50

. Ah! That's better. Does anyone have any virtual gin and valium please?

BeerTricksPotter · 08/03/2013 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia · 08/03/2013 10:53

Right, to be fair the OP did not state at first that her dd had so many issues getting ready in the morning and I did not realise this was a thread with 900 plus posts otherwise I would have read further!

Assuming this is a state school, then they are unfortunately not great places for anyone whose needs differ - they tend to think that everyone should fit in exactly and they are particularly inflexible about lateness. My also has autism and the school she was at threatened to issue unauthorised absenses if I refused to send her when her TA was sick and they had nobody to cover - there was no question that she could have coped in that situation.

If talking to the teacher hasn't helped then perhaps look for another school?

lottieandmia · 08/03/2013 10:56

Why can't this be moved to the SN topic? I think that would help.

BeerTricksPotter · 08/03/2013 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 08/03/2013 10:57

There are some people here, who clearly do not need to read the thread, or anything other than the ops first post.

We should all be delighted they have taken the time to post that wonderfully helpful comment.

Clearly we are all too stupid to have thought of that and the 900plus posts were taken up by us discussing our favourite colour, rather than offering advice.

I'm sure the OP will be thrilled you have given your advice. Wonderful.

It certainley added something to the thread that no one had thought of.

Idiots.

WhenIsBedtime · 08/03/2013 10:58

Hello again.

Thanks so much for all the ongoing advice. Really means a lot and has helped sooo much. Had another great morning and dd seems to be coping with the slight change of routine in getting breakfast before getting dressed, which i've set a timer for. We sat in the reception area for five minutes this morning before walking round to the yard once the gates were unlocked.

I realise i need to be more assertive with school. I think it's a confidence issue on my part. They're the pros and i don't want to look like i'm telling them how to do their job. The line thing is really the only major issue, and it looks like that's sorted. Yey!

Feeling much more positive about things now.

I'm afraid i can't get up any earlier than 5.30, for all the poster suggesting that. I really doubt i'd still have a job if i went to work each day with any less than my current 4 hours of sporadic sleep during the night.

Thanks once again. The advice has been amazing.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 08/03/2013 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/03/2013 11:02

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. It's my fault we've got the 'just get up earlier' and 'just get her there on time' pooheads cunts twats insightful human beings back. I had to go and post about how long we'd gone without one.

Have you noticed, though, they are like buses? Nothing for hours, then two come along all at once!! Grin

Lottie and beenhereayear - the OP already gets up at 5.30am - she can hardly get up earlier without giving up sleep altogether. And her dd is a bad sleeper, so don't bother advising her to just go to bed earlier.

And her dd has autism and is very unpredictable indeed. Something that doesn't faze her at all one morning, may cause a total meltdown the next morning.

Her aim is to leave the house 10 minutes before the gates of her school open, with a 2 minute walk - but the unpredictability of her dd's condition means that sometimes she cannot achieve this, and sometimes, when she does, her dd has a meltdown at a motorbike going past, or an airplane overhead.

She cannot leave home earlier, because the school gates are locked until 8.45am, and she would have to wait with her dd, near a busy road, and this waiting would probably cause her dd to have a meltdown.

The school have been utterly unhelpful, and are still not being particularly supportive - they are prepared to let the OP and her dd wait in reception if they get to school early, but are not happy about this 'because everyone will want to' - it is inconceivable that other parents might accept that a child with special needs might need some flexibility and the odd allowance to be made.

Lottie and beenhereayear - IF you have read this, you might realise why you looked like such massive twats for posting such simplistic advice.

Next time, read the fucking thread first, and you will not make yourselves look so bad.

lottieandmia · 08/03/2013 11:02

I am sorry for my initial comment, When Is Bedtime, I really am. In future I will always make sure I at least skim the thread first!

I hope that you will be able to make some progress with getting the school to understand.

SarkyPants · 08/03/2013 11:04

good to hear that things are looking up.

and BTW although you are right that "they're the pros", just remember that you are a world expert on your DD and what she needs :)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/03/2013 11:04

WhenIsBedtime - that is really good news - I am glad things are going more smoothly so far.

Lottie - I cross-posted with you, and it seems you have now read the thread, so apologies for being so stern with you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/03/2013 11:04

Cross posted again. Big apologies, Lottie.

akaemmafrost · 08/03/2013 11:06

We all feel like that about the teachers. I feel sick when I know I am going to have to have a meeting to discuss "issues". I am learning to just block my own feelings out and say what needs saying. I spoke earlier in the thread about dd not eating lunch because the older kids in the dining room were scaring her, not bullying just being there. I tentatively asked them to check she was eating for a couple of days, still full lunch box at the end of the day and dd melting down into a heap on the walk home as so hungry. In the end I just lost my temper and said to her teacher "if this doesn't get sorted then I will either come into school MYSELF or I will be taking her home for lunch every day!" with a face like Angry. It felt good.

Try not to be scared to ask, block out those expressions of Confused that they ALL pull when you ask for something your child needs as though you've asked for the bloody moon in an Easter Bonnet!

They don't want any more work and that's what your child is to them WORK!

I am glad that things went well again Smile.

lottieandmia · 08/03/2013 11:07

It's ok - I've been on MN for many years but will never again only read the OP!

WhenIsBedtime · 08/03/2013 11:08

Lottie - i don't want it moved to the SN topic. I find that terribly insulting. Just because my dd has autism, i shouldn't be restricted to just posting in that section.

IABU was my choice because of the fast response time, and i wanted to speak to someone quickly because i was upset. I never imagined it meant that i'd just have to suck it up and take the blame when people posted their harsh and ignorant replies. And i'm glad it's stayed here because it shows just how awful some adults' attitudes are towards people with autism.

I - and other parents of disabled/SEN children - should be able to post just as freely as parents of NT children, without being wrongly flamed.

It's okay to show ignorance of disabilities, so long as it's not within the SN section? If i want to avoid such ignorance - because it's completely my fault of course that some people have such attitudes - i shouldjust hide in the SN section when wanting to discuss my child?

Okay then. Perhaps we should have a NT section, whereby parents are only allowed to discuss their NT children there. Hmmm, but then we'd need a section for 'inbetween' children, for parents of children who aren't quite SEN but not quite NT either. ANd what about parents with one child with SEN and another who is NT? They'd never be able to discuss their children in the same section...

Yes, it's lovely having a Sn section. And i can see myself using it frequently in the future. But it doesn't mean i have to post there, just because my dd has autism.

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 08/03/2013 11:08

Good to read your update, WhenisBedtime. I know you say school are the pros, but you are the expert in your dd. I am really glad things are getting sorted.

WhenIsBedtime · 08/03/2013 11:10

Also, i'd like to apologise for that horrible space in the title in the word 'unreasonabl e'. It makes me cringe every time i see it.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/03/2013 11:11

I think that extra spaces in the title were the last thing on your mind when you posted this thread, WhenIs - and understandably so. Smile

hazeyjane · 08/03/2013 11:12

Ha, that has really made me laugh, of all the things that should be apologised for on this thread, and you are apologising for your errant 'e'! Smile

thornrose · 08/03/2013 11:16

OP has anyone mentioned social stories? I'm going to answer this as though the thread hasn't been derailed.
They can work really well but it can take a while. You can help your dd to learn that it is ok to join the line later. Tackling the lateness is nigh on impossible (bitter, bitter experience here). Teaching her strategies to cope with being late is much more important IME.

lottieandmia · 08/03/2013 11:17

Of course you shouldn't be restricted to posting in the SN section, but I feel AIBU is possibly the worst place it could be posted iyswim.

WhenIsBedtime · 08/03/2013 11:19

Thanks Thornrose. We have social stories from SALT about things such as taking turns, and not always being first.

I think i'll have a go at writing my own now.

I totally agree. I think i've always been so focussed stressed about trying to get her at the gate for 8.45 exactly, that i've neglected the obvious task of helping her to cope whenever she is late.

OP posts:
thornrose · 08/03/2013 11:21

Yes, have a go, you can make it really specific if you write your own.

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