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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 07/03/2013 22:59

Is saying the poster is a disablist arse something we could have a vote on.

Cos if so I second it.

PeneloPeePitstop · 07/03/2013 23:00

Essential for shitlist spreadsheets Wink

SparkleSoiree · 08/03/2013 01:14

OP I hope you are ok. Thanks

I can't believe the amount of ignorant, judgemental, ill-informed, inconsiderate, uncompassionate, superior and plain old bitchy responses that you have had on here - all uncalled for and you haven't deserved any of it. Frankly some of them should hang their heads in shame that they could reduce another parent, clearly in need of support, to tears.

On the flip side you have also had some lovely parents views and support, people who can really empathise, understand and visualise your day and have offered some good advice as a result. I think it is worth you exploring avenues of extra support for your daughter. I have found as my daughter grows her traits are increasing in different ways and perhaps its similar for you without realising it? I really hope you get the extra support and help that you, your daughter and family deserve and need as a result.

My daughter who has Aspergers Syndrome is 5. She fills my heart with overwhelming love yet she is the most difficult of my 3 children. The kicking, high-pitched screaming, slapping, throwing, banging and generally destructive behaviour can come before I realise its on it's way and whatever is going on at the time just has to come to a grinding halt whilst we deal with her meltdown. We home educate our DD because the mainstream school won't accept her without a statement due to her needs and the local authority won't assess her for a statement so we are now going to appeal. Yet she is very bright, reads and writes well for her age but has issues that make it difficult for her to even communicate with children her own age, she just won't.

It seems that reading between the lines is a skill some mnetters lack and everything is taken literally, creating a lot of conflict and upset. A bit like one of my daughter's Aspergers traits actually...

Maybe in future you could post in the SN boards? They are a very resourceful, understanding bunch and would never make you feel bad about your situation, after all it's different for each of us. Take care of yourself. Smile

ditziness · 08/03/2013 09:04

Hey OP. Hope this morning's going well. I've been a support worker for adults and children with autism on and off for the last decade. Something that strikes me is that you seem a bit out if control and stressed by unpredictability. Which won't help your daughter. I'd really advise you to look atall aspects of your morning routine and make rules, timetables and strategies around it. This is what I do in order to help the autistic gentleman I supported for years leave the house in time to get the bus every day.

The aim was that the routine every morning was indentical, predictable down to the minute. And the gentleman knew and appreciated this, it stopped him getting stressed and having meltdowns. We had a picture board with photos of each event that would happen in the morning. these photos ( laminated with velcro backs) would be kept in a special box that he chose. Everynight at bedtime we would go through his routine for the morning and stick the photos on the board on seauential order. then lay out his clothes for the morning. Lay the table for his breakfast. Get his bad ready.

In the morning as each event occured he would take the picture off his board and put it back in his box. He appreciated the predictability and the whole routine calmed him down. Most mornings went well.

Of course there was always days when things went wrong. But as far as possible these were controllable too, as we had a strategy in place to prevent them or deal with them safely. For instance if this gentleman felt his clothes were dirty he'd immediately strip off and put all his clothes in the washing machine , using whatever he found first as detergent. ( quite often bleach) . So instead of waiting to see whether he would strip off and wash after breakfast, and dealing with ensuing meltdown as we tried to stop him or get him redressed while his bus was waiting, we planned for it. It was built into his morning schedule that he ate breakfast in his pyjamas before his shower, and then after breakfast he's take them off and put his washing on. He didn't put his clean clothes until just before leaving the house. ( that he'd laid out the night before into an inaccessible place so he couldn't take and wash them,).

There was also time built into the routine so that if the unexpected occurred we'd still be ok. So some mornings when things went like clockwork, we'd find ourselves on the kerb with 20 mins to spare. So that was also planned for, that he'd spend those twenty minutes picking up rubbish in the garden ( he had a special gloves and bag in the porch for this) He liked this job, so it also was an incentive to get ready on time. But not included in morning routine board, just a bonus if things went well. Maybe you could talk to the school, and if you're early perhaps you could be let in the playground to do a specific thing? Or maybe there's some you could do by school gates? You know your daughter best as to watch she's interested in, but maybe take rubbings , collect things, take photos, clean the gates, do some running?

We'd try to have every turn of event planned with a consistent response and strategy, so that when things did go wrong and something unexpected occurred, the response would be consistent and predictable. So for instance, plan exactly what you'll do if a motorbike goes past. Practise it, let your daughter know.

The more you plan and strategise, the more controllable the morning will be, meaning the calmer you and daughter will be! It can be Ok! Good luck.

Kleinzeit · 08/03/2013 09:23

Glad you made some progress with the school WhenIsBedTime. I don?t think much of your HT?s attitude though - the answer to ?everyone will want the same? is that adaptations are only for those who need them and not for anyone who wants them. A good HT shouldn?t need to be told that.

By the way, lining up is a widely recognised problem for many kids with ASCs. When my DS went along to his first social skills group for half a dozen kids with ASCs (all from mainstream schools), there were two kids who had absolutely had to be first, two who absolutely had to be last, and two who didn?t want to go in at all. By the miracle of a highly trained tutor with a bit of a gift and many years of experience, in five minutes all six kids were lined up and going inside (leaving six sets of parents standing open mouthed saying ?did you see that?????) Since your DD?s teacher is not the ASC Whisperer I don?t see why the last place in line can?t be reserved for your DD ? for a couple of years my son had his own place off to one side at the head of the line. Whatever works really.

WilsonFrickett · 08/03/2013 09:36

I'm posting again on this particular topic as the thread is winding down and maybe this got missed in the whirl of less positive posts:

  1. You are doing great, you are doing the best you can and you are working hard to sort this out
  1. School is not. They can do much, much better. I'm getting from all your posts that DD is your only child - you haven't been through a school system before. Maybe you believe - as many parents of children with SEN's did - that school will automatically act in your child's best interests. They don't. (OK, to be scrupulously fair, some schools do, but a lot just don't.)

You can expect so much more from school

  • positive, proactive support
  • none of this whinging about DD being 'the only one' - I said upthread I simply don't believe this. 1 in 88 DCs have ASD-type disorders.
  • school have a duty of care to change if that's in the best interests of your child. This stuff about letting her go into the hall - it's not them doing you a favour. That's them doing their job
  • I feel (you didn't say this in your post, but I'm gonna take a guess) that you are early in your journey, that you're still reeling a bit. That's fine. But you are going to have to toughen up with school my love. You are your child's only and best advocate. You have to push. It's terribly hard and you shouldn't be in this position, but you will have to produce a lot of energy.

Or, start looking at other schools, schools where HT's say things like 'we have a number of children with ASD, we are experienced. Of course, until we get to know your daughter we don't know what will suit her situation, but there are lots of strategies we can try.' These schools do exist, but you have to go and find them.

Sorry to pile on another long post. But you are being let down by your daughter's school, and you don't even see it.

You have taken so much onboard on this thread, you've done yourself proud. I just want you to know that you and DD can expect more from the world than you're currently getting. ((hugs))

xigris · 08/03/2013 09:58

Whenis I hope you're ok dear. I think you're amazing, doubly so because today I had the school run from hell. My 6 year old DS who has always trotted into school happy as anything, had the most spectacular melt down of his life; he was screaming, hitting me, trying to run out of the gate for reasons I cannot fathom. He's not ASD ( or at least has never displayed any indications that he might be) but he is quite 'highly strung' shall we say. It was horrific and I'm writing this close to tears. I have two other children so some of the fab mums at the school looked after them while I ran around like a mad thing after DS1. The teachers were also helpful. In the end (rightly or wrongly) I brought him home with me as nothing I could do would calm him down. My point is, that you, whenis and all you other parents who have to deal with this sort of situation or similar, on a daily basis, you are amazing! You have my respect. Big time. Have some virtual ThanksThanks all of you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/03/2013 10:16

Do people realise it is over 13 hours since someone told the OP to 'just get up a bit earlier, then everything will go like clockwork'??

This can only mean that the apocalypse is about to happen!

BeerTricksPotter · 08/03/2013 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 08/03/2013 10:26

I am watching closely because I'm sorely tempted to make 'get up earlier' post 999, then hopefully someone will come on and call me a poo head for post 1000. I don't want to upset the OP though Grin

beenhereayear · 08/03/2013 10:26

Seriously? You can't guarantee being on time??? Why not?

Get up earlier.

I've never been late even when I had a newborn a toddler and a child at school.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/03/2013 10:27

What if I said MNHQ were poo-heads for deleting that? Would I just be deleted, or do you think a black van would turn up outside my house, and I'd be Vanished??!!

LemonPeculiarJones · 08/03/2013 10:28

beenhereayear oh FFS.

Read the thread.

BeerTricksPotter · 08/03/2013 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeyjane · 08/03/2013 10:31

beenhereayear, I believe your questions may be answered by reading the thread, or at least skimming through the ops posts!

akaemmafrost · 08/03/2013 10:32

beenhereayear. Yes over 900 posts in and everyone is still ranting at the OP and telling her to "Sort Herself Out!". She's actually disappeared now and we suspect that she's sat gibbering with a bucket on her head somewhere repenting her shame.

YouTheCat · 08/03/2013 10:33

Oh ffs Do you not think a thread with over 900 responses might not require something as stupid as 'get up earlier'?

lottieandmia · 08/03/2013 10:35

I have not read the whole thread but YABU, clearly. You know that your daughter gets stressed out by being late so why don't you make sure you're there on time? It's not fair on her if she starts her day upset.

TheBigJessie · 08/03/2013 10:36

Reading through this thread has made me feel very clever and like a sophisticated human being.

I could see that "get up earlier" wasn't going to be the magic key to it all from the first post. I didn't post massively unempathetic, abusive things to the OP. I did better with this thread than masses of neurotypical MNers. Yay!

YouTheCat · 08/03/2013 10:36

Oh and another one who can't be bothered to read even the OP's posts and just must have her say. Ffs

YouTheCat · 08/03/2013 10:38

It frustrates me that many people do not use that fantastic ability they have learned - reading.

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/03/2013 10:42

Lottie.

Go and read the thread because comments like that when its clearly a really thick thing to say highlight your failings as a human being

Sirzy · 08/03/2013 10:42

For those who are suggesting the OP is being unreasonable can I suggest you go into your settings and make it so the posts my the OP are highlighted. Then actually read her posts.

LemonPeculiarJones · 08/03/2013 10:43

lottie - if you haven't read the whole thread then there's no 'clearly' about it, is there?

It's like saying "I know I don't have all the relevant information but I'm still right, clearly!"

Hmm
fuckwittery · 08/03/2013 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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