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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

350 replies

Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 07:12

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 14:40

in fact if dh said he had booked a twin, i would have suggested he offer the bed to a colleague, just out of convenience, no drama required.

2rebecca · 05/03/2013 14:41

It was her money that should have been spent on the taxi. If your husband said before he went that he planned to share a twin room with a female colleague to save her spending money on a taxi would you think that was sensible? I don't see why it is a sensible option just because her having to pay for a taxi is a last minute decision not preplanned. She is a woman in employment, not a pennyless waif.

LaQueen · 05/03/2013 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 14:45

erm, yes it still would have been a wast of money, not sure why i would only care about dh's money if he could help a friend out. and yes i would have thought it perfectly sensible for him to share with a colleague if booked before hand. the gender is irrelevant.

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 14:46

i am with Laqueen tho and would have thought she was a bit of a dick for crying.

LaQueen · 05/03/2013 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snoopingforsoup · 05/03/2013 14:54

YANBU. It's good you trust him but this does leave leave unanswered questions. A bit of common sense on his part wouldn't have gone amiss.

If my DH did this I wouldn't be happy about it. I've never understood how some could let something like this slide.

However, it has happened. Just tell him you'd prefer him to never do that again as it leaves you uncertain and uncomfortable. Have the conversations you need, draw a line and move on. Don't let it get to you too much, but I don't know anyone who would be happy about their hubby doing that. And the woman should really know better than to pull the 'poor pissed up me' stunt with a married man.

EuphemiaLennox · 05/03/2013 14:59

Yes mrsKaola, if he had a twin room booked I'd have thought it would have made sense to offer to share with a colleague beforehand. . To share costs and make the most of it etc. Which makes his story more suspicious.

Why was he the only one staying? Why hadn't he offered the spare bed before to someone until 'suddenly' this drunken women was foisted upon him at the end of the evening?

I probably differ from you in that I'd expect my DH to offer beforehand to share with a male colleague not a female one.

I think maybe if I knew the colleague myself, if she was a mutual friend that we were both relaxed and comfortable with, and it was a prearranged thing for good reason, and not a works event, that may be different. Eg i can see the sharing on a yacht trip scenario, But a drunken work colleague, you don't know?? V suspicious.

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 15:00

Snoop - whereas i just don't understand how anyone could give a shit about this. I don't see what him being a 'married man' has to do with her being drunk and upset. Unless people think their H's are such an amazing catch, that women would engineer this situation. Maybe i've just got a H no one else wants? Grin

Thisisaeuphemism · 05/03/2013 15:02

But she lived near enough for him to drop her home the next day! Why didn't she get a cab? Strange solution to a non problem

EuphemiaLennox · 05/03/2013 15:03

Also, he gave her a lift home the next morning I see.

Can you imagine the conversation in the car? 'so will this be Ok with your wife?' 'I guess this will cause some gossip at work' etc .

at my DH having those sorts of conversations with a women 'the morning after' even if nothing happened.

He shouldn't have put himself in that position.

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 15:07

hhmmm i suppose it depends on the office/type of work. I can see that conversation being cringey, but i doubt DH would ever have it. It just wouldn't occur to him and i think he would be shocked if anyone suggested it. He also works in an environment where this would not be noticed or any big deal and also i know all his colleagues.

AThingInYourLife · 05/03/2013 15:08

The whole "everyone else disappeared" thing suggests to me that his comforting of her was a little more exclusive than was strictly necessary.

People who fancy each other often contrive to be the last two left at the end of the night.

curryeater · 05/03/2013 15:09

I really don't like this. Of course it is perfectly possible for people to share a room and "nothing happen" in the PIV sense (or even a snog) but something happened in the sense that... the OP's husband shared a room with another woman, when there was no need, when they were drunk, and is now making out that the whole thing is trivial, or in other words, that the OP's feelings about it don't matter. (that is how I interpret "not a care in the world")

The only way this makes sense is that he wanted to share a room. So many other things he could have done.

Why? for fun? to continue the party, late night giggles and raiding the mini bar? Misplaced KISA complex? Frisson of unaccustomed intimacy? Don't like any of these ideas much, and we haven't even got to shagging. But I really don't like that the OP minds and he is minimising it, because who knows what this is leading up to? How many boundaries will he be able to cross eventually if he keeps at it with this sort of modus operandi?

Alligatorpie · 05/03/2013 15:10

My ex shared a room with a colleague after a works do. Yes, he shagged her, but st least he had the decency to tell me.

Yfronts · 05/03/2013 15:11

I think if you trust him, then trust him fully and don't worry.

I think it was very kind of him to help someone who was very upset but could she have just caught a taxi home instead? Was it very far away and too expensive taxi cost wise? Or maybe he was a bit too tipsy and made the wrong choice about what to do. He obviously felt responsible for her welfare.

mrsstewpot · 05/03/2013 15:14

Some very differing opinions here and differing relationships - which of course is a good thing.

I think that the key is in the OP's title - she wants her DH to be remorseful OR understanding. Whilst many of us disagree over whether or not he has anything to be remorseful for, I think OP needs her DH to understand that this conduct is not appropriate to her in her relationship.

I am impressed that many of you are happy to share beds with friends, colleagues and even exes and for your partners to do the same. However I wouldn't change my expectations regarding this issue because personally sharing a bed or bedroom with only my DH is a sacred thing to us. Perhaps OP feels the same way.

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 15:20

yes mrsstewpot. i agree. however, i don't understand how you marry someone without knowing whether they are the type to mind.

LaQueen · 05/03/2013 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsstewpot · 05/03/2013 15:22

Agreed mrskoala generally you should know where your partner stands on this pretty early on.

HairyHandedTrucker · 05/03/2013 15:24

this an adult woman? and she can't be in a hotel room alone or in a taxi alone because she's too upset? bollocks

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 15:24

or just married to me Laqueen Wink

i accept i don't have a jealous or suspicious fibre in me tho. too arrogant i think. someone would be a fucking idiot to cheat on me, and in that case i don't want them anyway!

HairyHandedTrucker · 05/03/2013 15:37

actually op does your dh always get a hotel room for nights out or just this one time when a woman stayed with him? I just find the whole situation very odd tbh

HairyHandedTrucker · 05/03/2013 15:40

why would it matter if you briefly woke when he came home?

CherylTrole · 05/03/2013 15:44

This doesnt look good. My DH would never do this. Its just wrong on so many levels.
He has told his story to cover his tracks, before someone else tells OP. I really hope Im wrong. Good luck OP.