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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

350 replies

Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 07:12

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

OP posts:
mrsstewpot · 05/03/2013 12:38

People are missing the point. OP is upset because her DH has totally disregarded her feelings. Maybe some of you are happy for your partners to share hotel rooms with colleagues of the opposite sex after drunken nights out however OP is not. Her DH should appreciate and respect that.

I don't see why she should just shut up and put up girloutnumbered!

Emilythornesbff · 05/03/2013 12:46

Where is op?

targaryen24 · 05/03/2013 12:47

She said she'd be back on at 5 in her OP

Emilythornesbff · 05/03/2013 12:50

Oh. Blush

Thisisaeuphemism · 05/03/2013 12:56

Also sceptical about the spare bed...really?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/03/2013 13:06

Yes, the spare bed is a bit odd. If I were booking a hotel room on my own I would probably book a single if it was cheapest. If not available I'd book a double so I could spread out cross the whole bed. Only as a last resort would I book a twin. OK there may have only been twins left but it is a funny room for one person to book...

Chandon · 05/03/2013 13:06

Vivienne, no I would not hope that if my dd would find herself in this psition she " would find a man to help her out" ....by offering her to sleep in his hotelroom with him....I would hope she would have to financal and emotional sense to know when it was time for a taxi home! Or Book her own room.

Scootee · 05/03/2013 13:14

Yanbu I think.

I personally think they crossed the line by sharing the hotel room. If she was in too much of a state and he wanted to help her, he could have taken her to his hotel room and left her there, safe. He should then have got a cab home himself. I think that there should be boundaries - they stepped over it and my most suspicious mind would say that he could have told you all this stuff to provide an explanation in case you later fond out about the room sharing.

Those of you who say that it's ok for drunk or otherwise colleagues to share a hotel room need to wake up IMO. It is perfectly possible that nothing happened and the op dh was just trying to help. However,colleagues shag each other very commonly. Often one or both won't have been looking for an affair. It is a cliché for a reason and it is naive to think "it will never happen to me".

My dh (happily married for a decade, 2 little dc) had an affair with a colleague and the line was first crossed when they went into his hotel room after dinner. That was it, full blown affair from then. Prior to this incident, dh considered people who cheated to be awful and sinful, loved me sincerely etc. Then he became an adulterer! I'm not saying this is what happened in the op's case. I just think some responses are naive.

BumBiscuits · 05/03/2013 13:24

Why don't you phone the hotel and ask for a copy of the bill to be faxed/emailed/posted to you as you need it for expenses and have lost the original? If it is a double room booked, you'll find out.

shinyblackgrape · 05/03/2013 13:36

Re the double room thing - my DH was at a dental conference last week and booked a double room. He always does as he likes to sleep in a double bed. So, I wouldn't necessarily be suspicious if Op's husband had booked a double room

curryeater · 05/03/2013 13:37

no, but the point is: was it double or twin?

EuphemiaLennox · 05/03/2013 13:42

Well if it was a double they shared a bed.

But I guess as long as nothing happened she should just trust him and not question who he shares a bed with hey???

MTSgroupie · 05/03/2013 13:42

I travel about the UK a lot on business and I invariably stay at chain hotels. Despite paying for a 'single' I always get a double bed or two single beds. Unless you stay at a B&B, I don't think there are such things as single bed rooms (too inflexible).

funkybuddah · 05/03/2013 13:43

Hmmm if you trust him then its not a problem.

Im spending the night with a male workmate soon (well ex work mte now) but nothign would ever happen, once it has been me and 2 other male workmates, never raises dp eyebrow.

As you are upset about it though he should at least (not apologise) but promise to be considerate of your feelings in furute

daytoday · 05/03/2013 13:45

I would be livid with my DH as it would be totally out of character. He would have lent woman money, booked taxi on company account etc etc. We are middle aged - perhaps in our twenties we did a lot of room sharing but its been decades now.

Also, I would be angry as I think part of being in relationship is to think about your behaviour and how the other person might feel. He would know that I would be unhappy about it.

I would want to know the exact reasons how this happened.

  1. Just how far away does she live?
  2. Was no one taking a taxi anywhere near?
  3. Why he had a spare bed? Huh?

he would be really upset if I shared a room with another man whilst out on the piss.

Bramshott · 05/03/2013 13:52

I would be completely fine if DH did this - it would be a non-issue. However, of course everyone's relationship is different.

However, I might suggest to DH (in this situation) that he could be putting himself at risk of false accusations of inappropriate behaviour, and that perhaps it wouldn't be the best plan if a similar situation arose in the future.

2rebecca · 05/03/2013 14:02

I would have been upset if my husband made this very poor choice about what to do with a female colleague.
She planned to get a taxi home, the only thing that changed was that she needed to pay for a whole taxi not half a taxi. She is in employment. I would have expected her to pay for a taxi herself, if she hadn't money for that then i would have understood my husband lending her money for a taxi, (but would have expected her to pay it back, she is a colleague not his daughter, she may earn more than him).
I would not have expected him to offer to share his room with her. Even if they didn't sleep together there will be office gossip about this and I don't see it as a sensible solution to what really sounds like a minor problem. It sounds as though the work event was fairly local.
It sounds like a piece of nonsense to me. She should have been packed into a taxi and told to drink less and get less hysterical next time.

AThingInYourLife · 05/03/2013 14:03

He could be putting himself at risk of true accusations of inappropriate behaviour.

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2013 14:03

The thing with trust is, it only exists until you are given reason not to trust, that is how I see it anyway.

If I trusted my DP and he did something like this, it would make me not trust him.

I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

I can't imagine any scenario where this was the sensible and only solution.

They spent the night together. In booking a hotel room and the story that he has told you, he has legitimised them spending the night together. That could be an attempt to pretend to himself that he is being 'honest' with you.

To me, it sounds like a cover story.

BumBiscuits · 05/03/2013 14:18

A receipt would show whether the booking was for one or two people. A double room can be booked by a single person, but a single room (even though it has a double in it) cannot be booked for two.

MrsMelons · 05/03/2013 14:28

YANBU - I trust DH but still don't think it is acceptable. He should have called her a taxi TBH. It could have put him in a very awkward position and if people at work found out rumours do happen.

I can't imagine DH doing this, I would think his first thought would be to call her a taxi not to offer her the spare bed in his room. Even if she had no money she could have stopped at a cash point on the way. All sounds a bit daft IMO.

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 14:29

i would be so disappointed in DH if he told me that story but the ending was 'but as i didn't have your permission, even tho she was distressed and i had a spare bed in my room i left her to get home drunk on her own'. For a start i would say 'what have you done with my husband...'

It would be a total non issue for me. I know DH goes away a lot and i would not bat an eye at this. I also sleep in a twin room with a male friend who is an ex. In fact once we shared a double bed as that was all they had.

And about the disregarding feelings. I would expect DH to disregard my feelings if i expected him to feel bad and apologise for being nice. Just as i would disregard his feelings if he asked me something equally silly like 'don't have male friends etc'. However, i think if you are married to someone you pretty much know their stance on this kind of thing, as we do.

Yes, agree with the above poster who says there is no way to know what happened in that room. There is no way to know what happens when DH goes anywhere without me - he could be shagging people in his lunch break for all i know. But this way madness lies. So i trust he doesn't.

Thisisaeuphemism · 05/03/2013 14:34

But the ending wouldn't be... "I didn't have your permission etc etc"

The ending would be what happens a zillion times over, a simple; "so I helped her into a cab..."

That would be the logical solution, that would be the 'nice' solution and would avoid potential trouble.

2rebecca · 05/03/2013 14:35

I wouldn't bother looking at receipts, he may have not told the hotel she was sharing the room and I agree hotels sometimes let twin rooms out as singles.
To me the story doesn't make sense. It would make sense if the event was 100 miles from home and she had lost her purse and there was some reason her colleagues or the husband couldn't arrange for her to have her own room either in that hotel or a nearby one because the hotel was in the middle of nowhere and all the other rooms were full.
This isn't the case here though, the husband only stayed overnight so he wouldn't disturb his wife. The woman had lost her shared taxi not her purse and the hotel was a local one.
She had a very minor problem that could have been easily sorted out in many ways. Sharing your bedroom with her shouldn't have entered his head as a possible option.

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 14:37

i'd think 'why didn't you just offer the spare bed, how odd to waste money on a taxi'