To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

[Confusedmummy2]

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

also ...if he does try to make you feel like you're being unreasonable then that really is a big fat red flag. Even if it was all 'legit' he's walking a fine line boundary wise so doesn't actually have a leg to stand on, considering there were other options...So don't let him guilt trip you into not talking about it/doing anything about future indiscretions. I personally think it's ridiculous that you have DCs and he booked a room for a night out drinking but I suppose everyone uses their time off from parenting differently!

(p.s I'd never pick that option, however drunk, as I'd know how bad it looks and wouldn't treat my partner/career that way. Hope you're ok )

I think he sounds quite sweet and that you must have a good solid relationship for him to have told you. It actually sounds exactly what my husband would have done - he always ends up with drink female colleagues sobbing on his shoulder at work dos. I've seen it first hand! I think it's to do with having 4 older melodramatic sisters. It's never bothered me: one of the reasons I married him is because he's charitable, honest and caring (crap at hoovering though, you can't have it all!). If he's always been trustworthy in the past then why would you have cause to question him now? If he had a guilty conscience then why would he have told you the next morning?

Sorry but this sort of thing is just messy, everyone knows that. It is not on. Helping a colleague is not more important than keeping your marriage sweet. YANBU. No way.

Of course he told her ! Office gossip has a way of finding it's way back to an unsuspecting wife. Innocent or not, a pre-emptive strike was always going to have to be on the agenda.

agree with anyfucker

YANBU and this is totally inappropriate in my opinion. How would your husband have felt if the roles were reversed and a male work colleague stayed in your room. If he would be completely understanding of this and you both trust each other, then maybe YABU. I just know for me I would be very unhappy about this. His sister, mum, cousin, best mate then fine...a work colleague, no way. Why couldn't she pay for her own room or get a taxi. I would rather my partner lent her the money to do this if she couldn't afford this than to share a room.

The story is full of holes, or unanswered questions, anyway.

Why did he need to book a hotel a room?
Why werent others booking hotel rooms as well?
Why werent colleagues already arranging to share if this is the norm?
Why/how did everyone else disappear to?
How come he ended up with her?
What was she so upset about?
How was she intending to get home?
Where was she intending to stay?
Why couldn't she now get home?
Is she married?
Why can't a crying woman go home?
How does crying prevent you from getting home?
Why couldn't he have got her a cab home?
Why couldn't she have called someone to help her while he waited with her?
Why couldn't she have got her own room?
How is he going to handle this at work?
What is his relationship usually like with this woman at work?
How will this now be viewed?
Will he not find this an awkward situation?
Why does a married man feel its more important to help a drunk work colleague than to respect his wife?

Very odd.

I'd be asking all the above questions and more.

I am sure nothing may have happened, that is not the point.

It is in inappropriate for coleagues to share a bed room. I am just visualising this, in a hotel room you walk around in your underwear and/or get changed, I presume the lady did not bring her PJs so slept in her underwear? And DP would still have his morning hard-on when he wakes up and stumbles to the bathroom. That all makes it way too intimate a situation for work colleagues.

Also, it wil be office gossip.

And the whole thing bout planning to get so pissed on a work do that you cannot get home seems just so silly to me.

And being too upset to take a taxi home?! WTF. Women can look after themselves, can't they? why did A Man have to come to the rescue? why was that even at all necessary?!

Are you all still quite young ( early twenties?) as I remember taking a dim view of anyone thinking something was going on if I crashed at a male friend's house. Once you grow up a bit, many people no longer think this sort of situation is really appropriate. Or necessary.

I'm 22, so plenty young & even I think that's a pretty silly way to behave...especially with DCs & a wife in the picture!

We recently had a section meal and piss up combo, to celebrate a project going live with the company picking up the drinks bill. A couple of the people booked nearby hotel rooms. The venue was central London and for these people last train home was 11pm-ish, just when things usually gets warmed up :)

So I don't see what's the big deal about getting a hotel room.

It sounds like he booked a room and others didn't though...Going by the OP.

What shinyblackgrape said.

I thought "work nights out" (the kind that ends in drunkenness, tears and hotel rooms) were a thing of the past in most industries anyway.

This bloke may not be a cheater but he has some serious growing up to do.

It's strange if he lives nearby and it would have been cheaper to get a taxi rather than a room, especially if no one else was staying. Might not be the case though, only the Op knows.

'a thing of the past' ???

Walk around a major city centre on a Saturday night and you will legions of pissed men and women. Catch a plane to Ibiza and hang out at pubs in the evening ....

Getting totally rat faced, especially when the company is paying for the drinks and workmates don't know the DP, is just as popular as ever

Why would anyone be stupid enough not to be able to get home after a night out?

And, as a woman, I would never think it was appropriate to spend the night in a male colleagues bedroom - how niave and pathetic is that?!!!!

MTSgroupie - yes. A lot of companies these days don't have the budget for free-flowing booze any more (I remember it was different pre-2007, I worked in the square mile so believe me I know what I'm talking about, but those days are well and truly gone.) And people in regulated, professional jobs have learned to be much more careful about their reputation than they used to be. It was in my own lifetime that my company officially did away with lunchtime drinking, for example.

Of course you can still see people vomiting on the street on Saturday nights, but I think you'll find most of them don't do it on their company's dime and in their name.

What would annoy me the most would be the vulnerable position he might have placed himself in.

It was certainly very unwise.

OP says he Got hotel room to avoid waking her and DD. hmm...

Other men seemed to go home, do they live nearer, are you further away making it more difficult/impossible for your DH?

Crying women missed her shared cab.

So..she has to get cab on her own then, seems the obvious solution, rather than, 'you can spend the night in my room alone with me where no one except us will really know whether anything happens or not and we can arouse great suspicion and gossip amongst our colleagues and caus angst with our partners, yes that seems the obvious solution'.

I always find the most worrying thing on these threads is the 'I totally trust him, he'd never do anything because he's lovely' attitude, which allows the men to behave in frankly suspicious or shitty ways without any concern.

NEWSFLASH- to the world, your husband wife may be lovely and honest, but presuming they are human they are also flawed individuals who are capable of behaving in ways that you would not expect of them, or that they wouldn't even think expect of themselves, till they do it. No one is magically entirely trustworthy, it's an ongoing process of commitment, and viligence of your own behaviour and attitudes that makes you trustworthy and as the relationships boards show this can crumble like a house of cards at any moment even for the previously 'loveliest' of people.

Athing said it best when she said (paraphrasing) ' I trust my DH because he behaves in a trustworthy manner, not because I chose to blindly believe everything he says.'

This is inappropriate behaviour both because of the implications for work and for jeopardising his trust from you. He appears to care very little, or to not understand the implications.

He's either been very foolish, or very cunning.

I'm afraid based on the info we have so far, I predict further threads over coming weeks as this is revealed to be more than the OP currently wants to believe.

what a silly bimbo, there is a juvenile falling out with some other women and she can't just get her own taxi back? She doesn't need to be carrying a huge pile of cash, there are things called ATMs.

your husband is a bit of a soft touch but it all sounds harmless. Bit insulting to worry if he would go anywhere near such a foolish howling female. Hopefully she'll grow up one day.

Panicking - My boss, albeit 20 levels of management levels removed, was in the news recently because of his humongous bonus.

There is lots of money still in the City.

Of course - I'm just saying the culture has been moving away from those kind of parties for some time.

Where I work now, we have a formal-ish dinner once a year. My husband's company hasn't had a "do" in years.

I associate this kind of pissups with the entertainment industry, or with 20-year-old interns, not with business professionals. I've never met anyone in real life who booked a hotel room, in advance, because he expected a company-organised event to get so out of control that he couldn't have made his way home otherwise.

I had this once sort of - I was away on a course and DH texted to ask me where the spare toothbrushes were..... Female friend and colleague of ours was at my house and incapable of going home . I was not happy but I do trust him and you have to really. Got the full story when I got home - can't go into too much detail without outing myself but she had been so sick he couldn't face the idea of her going to bed without washing her teeth. Put her to bed with a sick bucket. I certainly had it on good account from other colleagues that she was blotto when they left, dropped off another colleague and after destroying the poor cab car, got stranded at ours.
Ultimately, if you can't trust your DH around other woman then you don't really have a marriage in my view. You have to trust that he used his best judgement (however impaired) at that point in time. It's quite possible that there were better options open to him but they just didn't occur or seemed like even more of a PITA to sort out.

Your husband put himself in a very dangerous situation. This female colleague could end up accusing him of anything.

She is a grown woman and is responsible for her own safety. She shouldn't allow herself to get in such a state.

I have seen this exact scenario happen in my own office on many occasions. And yes, it will get out as gossip that they shared a bedroom. Nothing will be left to the imagination of the office gossipers!

Your dh is a Wally. He should have just called her a taxi, and bundled her off on her own. My dh was have it rid of her.
But, I still don't understand why he needed a room?