To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

[Confusedmummy2]

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to feel remorse for helping someone in need.
What if it had been a male colleague and he'd offered him the spare bed, would you have cared?

Your husband did a nice thing and was honest about it, by all means be a little jealous but don't expect him to regret what he did

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to feel remorse for helping someone in need.
What if it had been a male colleague and he'd offered him the spare bed, would you have cared?

Your husband did a nice thing and was honest about it, by all means be a little jealous but don't expect him to regret what he did

YANBU - 1) what if she made allegations afterwards of inapproprsire behaviour on the part of your husband? 2) rumours will go around at work that may not just cause embarassment but may effect his career. Very foolish situation he put himself in. Presumably as an adult she had a credit card to book a room herself, a cash card to get money for a taxi and a mobile phone to ring a friend or relative. I wouldn't beat him up too much but I'd want him to realise what repercussions this 'good deed' might have had.

I want to make this really clear, I don't think my husband cheated on me, and I trust him, we have been together way too long for little things like other women to worry me!
But i don't think that makes the situation right. I'm sorry.

"We both left that level of drunkenness in our pre-DC past but maybe I'm a right old prude for feeling like this! "

Same here!

I'm sorry, but I am confused now.
If its not an issue why are you posting on here and many people have said you are being unreasonable to expect remorse, yet you still think you deserve some??

She has a fanny and he has a cock it doesn't mean they will inevitably end up .shagging . people have self control and maybe just maybe they just don't fancy each other , who'd have thunk it 2 people of the opposite sex in the same room not shagging .

It does happen

Perhaps he is a nice thoughtful man that felt he needed to help her

What is the world coming too

I think what you're getting at here is that you feel some unspoken boundaries were crossed that night. Correct me if I'm wrong?

And that makes you feel uncomfortable & like he should've found another option that still let him help the woman but didn't involve breaking said boundaries?

I think that's totally understandable to be honest & it seems like he told you because on some level he knew it was wrong & that if you heard it from someone else you'd have jumped to the worst conclusion because on some level it was wrong. He should have found another way.

YANBU

SHE ALREADY SAID SHE DIDN'T THINK HE CHEATED BTW!
So that's not her issue

There are two possibilities here
Either he did something wrong and cheated on you with this colleague
OR he did a really good deed and helped a stranded, drunk colleague by letting her sleep on his sofa

You are not fussed about the first possibility, don't even consider it but you are cross that he did the second? Very very odd!!

Well the woman sounds ridiculous, why couldn't she have asked someone to walk to cashpoint with her, or found a different lift or booked her own room, or shacked up with a female colleague?

It sounds very odd. If dh did this I would trust him, but I know he wouldn't because he's very aware of the gossip in his work place.

you can appreciate that he did a nice thing for a silly colleague but feel uneasy about it at the same time you know...

Everyone has different boundaries too, and it seems like yours are different (he said he'd do it again if needs be for example).

And the replies on here are all so different for the same reason...that and some people are missing the point a tad.

All you can do is move past it though really. At least you said DH understands why you might be concerned and has told you himself

Yanbu

I would be furious and find it completely inappropriate.

There were so many other viable options I doubt I would believe it was innocent tbh.

(I do agree with the people who've said it would ring alarm bells. Sounds a bit fishy & like an arse-covering exercise but hey ho)

I would be extremely concerned about this. I'm an employment lawyer and I would feel that DH had put himself in a vulnerable position - particularly if the was a more junior colleague. I would be very worried about later allegations of harassment etc. particularly if she had a partner who isn't happy about what happened. Unfortunately, I've seen this happen quite a lot and that includes a situation where 2 men were involved.

I would also be cross about the inevitable gossip etc that followed. I'm sorry to say but anyone who gies on a work night out, gets in to an argument with colleagues and then can't organise their self to get home, doesn't sound like the most mature and sensible of people who can be relied on to keep matters to herself.

I genuinely cannot understand why your DH didn't put this woman in a taxi. If you trust him, then I'm sure nothing has happened but I would ask him next time just to bung her in a taxi We've had this happen a few times at work events and we just call a cab on account. We know then who is taking the person home. If its happened before, the person will be asked to reimburse the firm but if it's a one off, then we just leave it. We also tend to ask their pals if they live with anyone (whose likely not to be drunk themselves and can check they won't choke on their own vomit).

YANBU. Personally I would be upset. At the end of the day it's about respect. I would feel disrespected if my husband did this (and I mean purely his version of events) and I myself would never do this to my husband by offering an upset male colleague to share my room.

I think Morloth has it spot on - there were so many other ways to help and this woman was a grown up. The fact that are also work colleagues makes it doubly inappropriate. Very unprofessional and there will be gossip if it gets out.

Errr....why couldn't she go home?? Cos she was crying?? So they had to share a hotel room?? Very odd story.

Mind you, I think its odd that someone books a hotel room just for themselves in case they get so drunk they can't get home. Did everyone else manage to get home? Where was everyone else staying?

Reading this I assume this was planned or anticipated and he's getting in with the story first to make it seem legitimate.

I'd be outraged if my DH behaved like this.

I'd be outraged if he shared a bedroom with a female work colleague.

I'd feel (even if I totally believed the cover story) that I'd been humiliated in front of his other colleagues. I'd hate to feel that others knew he'd done this and were being suspicious.

I'd hate the public light of suspicion this would put on our marriage.

Sharing a bedroom, even just to sleep, is sharing an intimate space that is not appropriate for work colleagues. Maybe if you're also very good friends beyond the work environement this may seem more appropriate, but to me professional relationships have boundaries which this totally crossed.

Maybe I'm an old prude too though.

When I was in my 20's and out getting bladdered I'd have dismissed it as a drunken laugh, but now as poeple in their 40's with a spouse and children it screams dodgy to me on many levels.

Certainly not how I'd expect my husband to behave anyway.

YANBU and I'm don't believe that everyone here would be sp blasé about this if they were in your situation.

You can trust your husband and believe that nothing happened and still feel upset about this, you are human. I wouldn't be happy and I wonder how he would feel if you did the exact same with a man colleague. Also, others are right about if this gets out at work, many folk just love this kind of drama. Also right that he put himself in a vulnerable position where he could be open to all sorts of accusations.

How far to you live from the do, I just think it's strange that he booked a room but no one else did.

YANBU at all.

I think there is a lot of disingenuous bullshit on this thread about how if you trust someone you shouldn't bat an eyelid if they share a bedroom with an opposite sex colleague on the flimsiest of pretexts.

I trust my husband.

But I'd trust him a lot less if he booked himself unnecessary hotel rooms and them filled them with drunk women late at night.

I trust him because he behaves in a trustworthy manner. Not because I've decided to believe whatever he says no matter how obviously self-serving and ridiculous.

Exactly, AThing I can trust DH because he has never done anything untrustworthy.

I would be gobsmacked if he did this, completely floored by the inappropriateness of it with a work colleague.

Agree with AThing.

The crying woman would have had to make her own arrangements if your DH had just headed up to his room himself.

I know a couple of crying women and they are a massive PITA when they've had a drink. It is all an act though, usually. Probably why everyone else disappeared pronto.

If there was a geniune problem, your DH just tried to help, if all he says is true, and why wouldn't it be. It is just that in the cold light of day there are plenty of other options than them sharing a room. After a few beers, and everyone feeling tired and emotional, not so many.

"Themself" "who's"

OP, how are you going to feel when he books an un-necessary hotel room on the next works night out ?

Comfortable ? Able to put your foot down ? Or made to feel you are BU ?

I would be angry, even if I was absolutely sure that nothing happened between them. For the simple reason that he has left himself (and his colleague) open to gossip and rumour at work, and that could affect how he/she is perceived by their colleagues and bosses. Could potentially affect all sorts of things at work. Talk about creating an unnecessary complication!

I'd have told him he'd been a total fuckwit, and if he wanted to play Sir Galahad he should have had the hotel call her a taxi and have the fare put on his bill (taxi firms run accounts for big clients).

I think the key thing for me is that this was a work do - so I agree with shinyblackgrape's employment law take.

However, I'm afraid I have done similar. I was at a conference in a work role, bumped into a friend there, friend got mind-bogglingly drunk (too drunk to walk back to his accommodation) and I let him share my room. I, of course, was drunk too - but less so. It was fine. I told DH what I'd done, as well as a number of mutual friends. Friend told his DW. There were no repercussions. Friend is still a friend, DH still likes and trusts him, no-one from work ever knew. I would still try to avoid doing it again. By the morning I was very nervous about it and how my friend, DH, his DW and our mutual friends would see it. I'd like to avoid that feeling in future.