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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

350 replies

Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 07:12

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/03/2013 07:51

Ok, I am glad he doesn't think YABU.

Personally I would be fine if DH did this, and he would be fine if I did it. We've both travelled with friends of the opposite sex and shared rooms.

But we'd both be equally fine if the other said "actually, I'd rather you got two rooms"

It's surprising though that if your view is you wouldn't share a room with male colleagues or friends under any circumstances (which is a pretty strong position) that he (a) wasn't aware of it previously and (b) would repeat what he's done in the same situation.

Original poster
Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 07:51

Xroads, I think you've got it, we've been together forever, I know nothing happened. But I am still upset that he didn't give my feelings enough thought and still isn't!

OP posts:
NotADragonOfSoup · 05/03/2013 07:51

I trust him

No you don't.

diddl · 05/03/2013 07:51

I trust my husband, but still think that this would be a ridiculous thing for him to do.

Mind you, I think getting so pissed that you can't get home is pretty stupid when you have children & are therefore missing limited time with them.

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed · 05/03/2013 07:52

If it was my DP I would give him the benefit of any doubt but keep an eye on the situation.
If I was the female colleague I would never have agreed to share a room.
In any case I think you need to try and let go of this one. You have said you trust your husband so perhaps it is now time to stop going over it.

LIG1979 · 05/03/2013 07:53

I wouldn't have an issue with it and I doubt my dh would if it was the other way round. If anything we are trying to save pennies at the moment and I would be annoyed at my dh for shelling out for some woman's taxi or hotel room. The same bed would be an issue but in that case I know my dh would sleep on the floor.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/03/2013 07:54

I don't think OP doesn't trust her husband. She knows there wasn't sexual contact.

It's just that she sees sharing a room as an intimate/personal thing in itself.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/03/2013 07:56

By the way, there's no implication anywhere that this woman had no money, so not sure why there are so many suggestions of the DH paying for a solution.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/03/2013 07:57

He is giving your feelings thought. You said he understands why you are upset. But he can't change what happened, and at the time it happened he had to consider the situation he was actually in.

It's unreasonable for you to expect him not to go with the easiest solution to the problem because of your feelings, when your feelings are not very rational.

likesnowflakesinanocean · 05/03/2013 07:57

I wouldn't be in the least bit bothered. daft situation to get in stuck with no lift and no money on the woman's part but the rest of it is silly. either trust him or don't but don't claim to trust him then be annoyed. the thing I would be most concerned about is them being talked about in work as people will assume.

ErikNorseman · 05/03/2013 07:58

It's not ideal but if you trust your husband then what is the harm really? So he slept in close proximity to a woman? I'm sure they acted appropriately re getting undressed etc. there isn't any real intimacy involved in sleeping near someone. It's a bit weird when you are a grown up but then I feel that sharing a room with a female friend would be just as odd. If it's an obvious solution to a problem then it's not really a problem.

ErikNorseman · 05/03/2013 07:59

And getting wasted is never a good idea but nevertheless it happens so no point judging the woman for that.

rhondajean · 05/03/2013 08:00

I trust my husband and if he did this, I wouldn't mind - but I would have a niggling doubt about wtf the woman was up to, thinking it was a good idea when she didn't have the knowledge of our relationship that he does.

One to keep an eye on - I am always wary of the "crying abandoned woman"...

ScarletLady02 · 05/03/2013 08:04

I suppose it could cause rumours at work etc which could be a bit of a nightmare for him, but he's the one who will have to deal with that. The fact that he's not calling you unreasonable or being defensive at your stance on it says to me that it's probably completely innocent and he just thought he was helping a colleague out.

If you trust him, explain your feelings and lave it at that. He sounds like a nice guy.

Morloth · 05/03/2013 08:06

She wasn't incapacitated. She was upset because she had an argument with some work colleagues.

It is a bit pathetic to need rescuing in that situation. Women are not children.

Don't people plan ahead at all? No Plan Bs for getting home? What would she have done if he hadn't been there?

Original poster
Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 08:06

Ok, looks like, I am just going to have accept it happened and get on with it. And I'll be crossing my fingers that no more friends and colleagues decide to take advantage of my husbands kind and helpful nature!

OP posts:
monkeymamma · 05/03/2013 08:11

I wouldn't like this one bit. Nothing to do with trust, but I'd find this behaviour inappropriate in both dh and female colleague. And if anyone is wondering would I feel the same about a male colleague, well, I don't imagine the dh would have felt the need to narrate the whole tale to the op in such detail if it just been a blokey mate of his. Imo the fact he's felt he had to 'come clean' about the whole thing implies that he knows something about it isn't appropriate or nice for his wife. Personally I wouldn't be impressed with my dh needing to book a hotel room because he planned to be so drunk he'd need it. We both left that level of drunkenness in our pre-DC past but maybe I'm a right old prude for feeling like this!

Morloth · 05/03/2013 08:13

I wouldn't offer to share my hotel room with a female colleague in these circumstances.

If I got so drunk at a work do I couldn't get home, I wouldn't have to worry about any more work dos for a while because my arse would be fired.

ScarletLady02 · 05/03/2013 08:14

He was probably feeing quite benevolent because he was pissed and then in the cold light of day was a bit worried about how it would look to the other colleagues.

Original poster
Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 08:14

Thanks monkey mamma I was starting to think, I was maybe getting a bit old / prudish, thinking it was inappropriate, when reading how many others would be ok with it, as long as it didn't involve sex or intimate relations!

OP posts:
DIYapprentice · 05/03/2013 08:17

I'm going to have to disagree with the others here. He has put you in a difficult situation, because although you trust him, if anyone else gets wind of what happened, rumours will be running around the office about an affair between the two of them.

It's not only about acting with proprietary, it's also about giving the appearance to all others that you are acting with proprietary. THAT is what he has done wrong, anyone else looking in will view what happened with deep suspicion. This sort of thing can destroy reputations.

Jux · 05/03/2013 08:17

I would be more interested in why all the others disappeared. Is this something this woman does regularly? Get tearful at the end of a night out and cry on male colleagues shoulders?

DixieD · 05/03/2013 08:18

If DH told me this story I would believe him, but I would have been a a bit sceptical that this was the only possible solution they could come up with. FFS she was so upset by a row with her mates that it rendered her incapable of getting a taxi home? Thats absoloute bullshit. She sounds like a complete drama queen, and your DH shouldn't jave indulged her. Thats what I would be telling my DH.
However of you believe nothing happened there is really no reason to be annoyed. However if I did this, my DH would be incandessent. He would believe me that nothing happened, but words like inapproriate would be used. So different people will react differently to it.

MTSgroupie · 05/03/2013 08:20

If it was your DH posting about you and an upset female workmate I don't think we be getting so many 'stick her in a taxi' responses. Instead it will be what a twat for suggesting that a presumably drunk and upset woman be put into a taxi n the middle of the night.

Branleuse · 05/03/2013 08:20

well its not ideal. Id probably feel a bit put out, but he either got it on with her or didnt. I WOULD believe my dp if he told me nothing happened, because i just would. You either feel like you trust him or you dont.
Otherwise the solutiuon is to just say, if this situation ever arises again, id rather you lent her money for a taxi or lent her money for a hotel room rather than share if you dont mind, but if someones gonna cheat, they can do it without sleeping in the same room