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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a simmering resentment that most people I know seem to get free family childcare and I can't - yes I know IBVU......

128 replies

Spice17 · 04/03/2013 10:53

That's it really, most people I know have the offer of free or at least very cheap childcare from their (usually retired) parents.

Both mine and DH's parents live in council houses and will have to work into their late 60's, so we can't get any help from them.

I know I'm being TOTALLY U but I'm just sad that we can't have this and having looked into the costs, increasingly worried how we'll afford it!

I also feel the same about weddings and buying a house, lots of friends got given 5-10K , deposits etc, me and DH scrimped and saved and paid for everything for both. DH says we should be proud of this and I do agree but I feel a simmering resentment that I can't seem to shift.

I don't AT ALL feel like our parents should help because they're in no financial position to but I just feel so bloody annoyed about it (not those lucky people's fault I know) But if they ever complain to me about being skint - I may have to never ever see them again can't do that, related to most of them!:)

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 04/03/2013 10:55

I only get that resentment when I have weeks like this past one when my son was home from school all week with a fever that I then came down with on Friday.

I would have given anything to have my mother living down the street instead of in the US!

Other than that I just get a tiny bit jealous.

Original poster

Spice17 · 04/03/2013 10:57

Oops, strikeout fail

Tee that's rubbish. My DM lives 30 miles away but works full time, so no options there, hope you're and DS are feeling better.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 04/03/2013 11:00

Well, he's back at school today, so I at least got those three hours to put my feet up. I have to go get him in an hour though.

I'm trying to convince myself to do something productive. It's not working.

fromparistoberlin · 04/03/2013 11:01

OP, "simmering resentment" is NOT a nice and healthy was to feel

I say that kindly, but the fact is most people I know get very little support?

maybe its a London thing, but down here peoples have families that live far away/overseas and they have to cope?

I think your situaton is very normal. and you are lucky to have a home, childreen and good paid work

Why do you resent your friends? are you happy with life in general?

honestly resentment is a shitty emotion, focus energies on banishing it

Greythorne · 04/03/2013 11:03

Well, I hear you, OP.

Simmering resentment is a bit strong, but we have no family around us (live abroad) and it does wind me up when my friends who have PILs 20 minutes away grumble endlessly about their MIL because she had their 2 DC for 4 days straight and, wait for it, had the audacity to give the kids a bag of sweets.

mrscog · 04/03/2013 11:04

YANBU to be envious, but there are/can be downsides - I'm not saying that this balances the 'luck' out, of course it doesn't.

I get 2 days free childcare from my Mum & IL's and we had help with our house deposit - but mainly because we got a now or never chance to buy an affordable house when our savings weren't enough for the deposit.

The downsides are, with childcare, if you're not paying it is much harder to dictate standards. For example, I don't want DS to have chocolate/sweets until he knows what they are, I don't give yoghurts with sugar in, I don't want him to watch TV, I want him extended rear facing in the car etc. etc. but I can't really dictate these choices to my family as they are being kind and giving their time for free. Also, when you've had a large sum of money, (esp when it comes from IL's side) there is always a slight feeling of beholdenment even if the money came with no strings attached, I always feel as though I can't spend any money frivolously in case IL's think 'oh well maybe they should have been more careful and could have saved a deposit' .

Only small downsides yes, but things to bear in mind. :)

Tee2072 · 04/03/2013 11:05

Not a bag of sweets Greythorne?!?! Kill the woman!

God, my mother can give him all the sweets she wants if she just watches him for me. Oh wait, she can't. She lives 3,000 miles away...

BambieO · 04/03/2013 11:06

I can definitely see where you are coming from

We were going to have to put DS in nursery and costs here are extortionate! Almost 1000 a month. I was very jealous of my friend whose mum has her son but then MIL was made redundant unexpectedly and has offered to have DS, she absolutely adores him and vice versa so now we are in the position of your friends.

I can't believe how lucky we are. To pay childcare as many do would have been a must but to work and have zero money left to do nice things, save for a house (we are in rented £1k a month for that too :( ) would have been really hard.

You should definitely be proud of yourself. Also with unpaid care you can't really 'lay down the law' like you can in nursery etc so take comfort I the fact that while it may be free we can't really dictate like we would if they were in paid care. At least you can lay down a strict set of instructions if necessary and also not feel any obligation to anyone

AutumnMadness · 04/03/2013 11:06

Spice17, I think your situation is rather normal. Half the people I know not only pay for their childcare but also give money to their parents and not the other way around. You are actually quite lucky to have your parents in the same country with you. At least they can help out on weekends and holidays.

BambieO · 04/03/2013 11:07

X post mrscog great minds :)

DieWilde13 · 04/03/2013 11:08

You have my sympathy, OP. My parents are abroad and my PILs live over 2 hours away. I would LOVE to just drop the kids off for an afternoon or a sleepover every once in a while.

I do get very, very jealous sometimes. Most of the time I am still glad PILs live so far away, though

quesadilla · 04/03/2013 11:09

I know what you mean OP. Resentment is maybe putting it a bit strongly but about half my income goes on childcare (my parents are ill and disabled and live too far away to look after my dd). I realise I am lucky in ways that balance this out but I know if my parents could just do one day a week it would free up a major chunk of change.

Fakebook · 04/03/2013 11:12

Simmering resentment over not having free childcare? That's a bit of an overreaction IMO. I don't have any free childcare (although I'm not working now, but when I was we left dd in nursery 50 hours a week). I don't get a break from my children like many people I know, but I don't really dwell on it. That's life isn't it? Maybe you should start focussing on the good things in your life.

Greythorne · 04/03/2013 11:13

mrscog

I agree with you about safety (car seats etc.) but don't you see that if you are the parents and you instill certain rules about sweets, chocolates, yoghurts TV etc. the DC will not come to any harm if these rules are relaxed when they spend time with well-meaning family?

Phineyj · 04/03/2013 11:16

However, there's no guarantee at all that if your parents lived nearby and were retired that they'd want to spend their time doing your childcare. Imagine how annoying that would be!

Mintyy · 04/03/2013 11:16

You simply have to get over it, I'm afraid.

You have things other people would love to have (living parents who are still quite young, a child or children).

You know you are being U, so tell yourself to stop with the thoughts when they start up and focus on the good things instead. Its a much happier and healthier way to live.

RandallPinkFloyd · 04/03/2013 11:18

Of courses it's understandable OP but everyone feels that way about something. It's just human nature - the grass is always greener.

I hate it when people are flippant about someone's situation just because they think theirs is worse. It's terribly short-sited.

For example one person might be sounding off because their dad has pissed them off then someone storms in to declare them ungrateful bastards because some people's fathers are dead. An understandable reaction of course but a pretty bloody nasty one too.

It's not hard to just have a little bit of empathy.

OP the crux for me is that you know yabu and that you are aware that the situations you envy come with their own issues. It's the people who don't bother to have that level of awareness that are the problem.

Badvoc · 04/03/2013 11:20

Well, childcare hasn't been an issue as I am a sahm, but the pils do offer and the dc go to them one afternoon a week (although this may stop after ds2 starts school in sept)
No money for house deposit etc but pils and my parents did pay for our (budget) wedding.
I would say there are pros and cons.
Yes, it's great in an emergency, it really is.
But it does cause problems.
My mil thinks she knows better than me wrt my dc and after a while that does cause bad feeling.
Also, if you have moved of your own volition miles and miles away from your family (or even to another country) then...what do you expect?
Not all GPs want to be that involved either....I know some that feel they have done their child rearing and want to enjoy their life without responsibilities.
I can see their point.

Vickibee · 04/03/2013 11:20

In same situation and it is bloodthirsty hard, even though I live within 2 miles of bruv sis and mum. No one seems willing to offer any help at all even for an hour to visit doc or dentist , have to take him absolutely everywhere

ArmchairDetective · 04/03/2013 11:24

I do get one day of free childcare but I pay for most of it.

And I'm afraid I do ask for some semblance of a routine and ask for naps to be given at certain times (as other wise DC won't go to sleep at night) and MIL knows I don't like them to have the TV on too much or too many sweet things (particularly before meals).
I must have been a nightmare DIL at times. I'm trying to relax a bit more now!

Greythorne · 04/03/2013 11:24

Yes, people always "move of their own volition" miles and miles away. Not because of economic migration or because they fell in love with someone from another region or country.

RandallPinkFloyd · 04/03/2013 11:26

Just to quantify, I am an LP and have no child care whatsoever other than the 2 days a week I am in work.

I have a very complicated relationship with my parents so can't ask them and don't have anyone else who can or would babysit.

That doesn't mean I don't understand how hard it must be to have parents who are willing to offer free child-care but completely dismiss everything you say.

I will never own my own home but I still understand that however grateful you are to the person who helped you it must be horrible to feel beholden to them.

See - empathy, it's not particularly difficult.

Badvoc · 04/03/2013 11:26

But it's a choice is it not?
A hard one, no doubt, but a choice.
And long distance relationships have been known to work!

allnewtaketwo · 04/03/2013 11:27

Sympathies OP.

Most people I know get a lot of help from parents/PILs. My parents would help if they lived nearby but live overseas.

PILs are the proverbial chocolate teapots

Badvoc · 04/03/2013 11:29

Randall...yes.
I do feel very beholden to them as they have been very good in the past, especially when in an emergency (hospitalisations etc)
But there have been times when my mil has behaved very badly I and I have felt unable to say anything.
She was also vile to me prior to our wedding. So much so I nearly called the whole bloody thing off.
Your post was very perceptive.

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