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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a simmering resentment that most people I know seem to get free family childcare and I can't - yes I know IBVU......

128 replies

Spice17 · 04/03/2013 10:53

That's it really, most people I know have the offer of free or at least very cheap childcare from their (usually retired) parents.

Both mine and DH's parents live in council houses and will have to work into their late 60's, so we can't get any help from them.

I know I'm being TOTALLY U but I'm just sad that we can't have this and having looked into the costs, increasingly worried how we'll afford it!

I also feel the same about weddings and buying a house, lots of friends got given 5-10K , deposits etc, me and DH scrimped and saved and paid for everything for both. DH says we should be proud of this and I do agree but I feel a simmering resentment that I can't seem to shift.

I don't AT ALL feel like our parents should help because they're in no financial position to but I just feel so bloody annoyed about it (not those lucky people's fault I know) But if they ever complain to me about being skint - I may have to never ever see them again can't do that, related to most of them!:)

OP posts:
Feelingood · 04/03/2013 12:12

Same boat I do get a bit miffed so know what you mean. Neighbours have parents who do everything, well lots for them.

ArmchairDetective · 04/03/2013 12:13

FWIW I wish my own mother lived nearby. I don't like relying on someone elses's mum to help me with childcare when I am at work as I'm such a control freak!

I never ask MIL to care for DC outside of work hours. She does occasionally babysit- 2-3 times a year but I don't like asking her. I prefer to sort the childcare between me and DP.

It is very useful in emergencies though and when you are giving birth and for that I am thankful.

I do feel sorry for those who have no help at all, particularly LP. At least DP and I can take turns to go out if we want to. Though he chooses to somewhat more than me!

Doingakatereddy · 04/03/2013 12:20

Nice to have such an honest OP & thread.

I feel resentful as well, only family I know to use FT Childcare (twice amount of our mortgage)

What really grates is that MIL lives 2 miles away, doesn't work & crows constantly about DS & how wonderful he us. BUT when it comes to childcare, she'll offer 'the odd hour' and that has to be 'repaid' by dinner etc

sweetkitty · 04/03/2013 12:21

I definitely get what your on about OP.

Both my inlaws are dead, my mother was EA to me so I have no contact with her now, my father is a useful as a chocolate teapot and lives an hour away.

I am a SAHM to 4 DC, we get no help whatsoever, DH and I have never had a night out together since the DC were born, I don't work because of childcare, where it really hurts is when there is an emergency, DD3 was rushed into hospital at age 2, I had to go with her and leave DH with the other 3, one a BFing baby at the time (he was 11 months so could do without). Not one relative even texted to ask how she was or how we were.

I dread anything happening to either DH or I as there is no one else Hmm

Friends who have GPs on hand just don't get it sadly. I have distanced myself from one friend in part as all she did was brag about everything but even about sending her DC to their GPs to get a bit of peace and keep her house tidy or she would say "it's ok for you SK you don't have to organise (free) childcare, I mean my mums on holiday for 2 weeks an I have to take a few days off work." or "DP are off to London for the weekend, I'm leaving the DC with my Mum"

I actually would not want GPs doing my childcare but what I do miss is having someone who actually cares about the DC, who comes to school things or celebrations, who I could phone up and just chat to or even give me a break for a few hours every few months. Hmm

blackeyedsusan · 04/03/2013 12:25

I find it worse to deal with when ill, tired, hormonal. i am lucky. I have a flat (good in parts) I have 2 lovely children. I can afford to sahp. just sometimes I wish I could have the house like other parents in school have, or the night out, or the chance to go to school meetings, but I bet their life is not all it seems on the outside either. also a lot of people have it a lot wworse than I do.

concentrting on how it could be lot worse helps, especially on those days you have ovehead x paent saying how they have been awy all week with friends and their husband had the children, or mil...

sweetkitty · 04/03/2013 12:27

And to make me more resentful my EA mother looks after my nephew every Friday night as my SIL and brother need a break and does a lot of their childcare during the week so SIL can work FT as they cannot afford for her not to. This is the same mother who told me women who want to work shouldn't have children and it's selfish to have children and have someone else bring them up and that thy are only working for money as they are greedy and wants things, I wonder if she tells "wonderful" SIL that.

Greythorne · 04/03/2013 12:28

I pay for childcare and don't resent paying for high quality care. But I just wish I had someone nearby who I could ring and say, 'could you have the DCs for an afternoon whilst I go to the gynecologist?" or "could I drop them off for an hour so they don't have to queue up with me in the post office to collect a recorded delivery?" and for it to be easy and quick, rather than a whole logistical engagement with someone who is doing it for money, rather than love.

ubik · 04/03/2013 12:30

I'm very fortunate now as MIL has retired and lives down the rd, she'll take the girls 1day a week and it's great. When DD1was born, MIL was still working FT and I had to give up work as childcare costs made it unsustainable.

But now I work , sometimes nights so DD3 in nursery whole day for 2 days and if my shifts move, DP has to take day off work.

I would never ask MIL to take girls more than one day (although she enjoys it) as I feel she has done her bit (4 kids, nursing shifts) and needs to enjoy retirement and having time to herself. I feel that sometimes people look at retired women and feel they should be doing something - yet they would not ask that if a retired man.

Anyway op, yes it is terribly unfair. I wish we had good universal free childcare, it would really help so many families Sad

diddl · 04/03/2013 12:31

TBH, I'd be feeling sorry for your parents knowing that they will have to keep working & are missing out on their GC, rather than resentment about what others have.

ChristmasJubilee · 04/03/2013 12:33

Both my parents and dh's parents are dead so are not in the position to help with childcare. When ds's 1&2 were little I worked nightshift and looked after them during the day as I could not afford childcare for them both. Ds3 went to a childminder as I had started working days by the time he arrived and the older two were at school and after school care.

I got a 100% mortgage 26 years ago to buy my house. It should be payed off by now but I had to increase the terms to have ds3. Help would have been nice but I have done it my way and don't owe anything to anyone - except the bank.

I don't go out in the evenings and have had to take the boys with me to doctors, dentists, parents evenings etc.

However, I do feel I have done my turn at raising children and although I will take my step daughters little boy in an emergency and have babysat twice to let her go out I would not consider looking after him or any other grandchildren I may have in the future any more than this.

sweetkitty · 04/03/2013 12:35

I would say at least 50% of nursery/school/toddlers pick ups etc are grandparents. Some of them well into their 70s too. There's a we I actually feel sorry for, one woman needs a stick to walk but has a 4 and 2 yo with her, I have the same and know how knackering they are. One lady with a limp pushing a double buggy.

I wonder if GPs start resenting being depended on for childcare? But feel they have to keep doing it.

Startail · 04/03/2013 12:35

YANBU

ubik · 04/03/2013 12:37

Yes I frequently see quite exhausted grandparents looking after toddler/ baby and wonder if this is really the best solution - but with childcare vista so high, I guess it's 'needs must' for some families.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/03/2013 12:38

OP I think you must be a bit unlucky to know so many people who get so much help.

All my friends who work use paid childcare, and very few people at school have regular family support either.

I do think people who have a lot of help can be a bit blasé about it though and not realise what a good deal they have.

flangledoodle · 04/03/2013 12:39

OP we have no family support where we live (my family abroad) DH's family horrendous. In the early years we really felt hard done by and really struggled but then the kids got older, things got easier and we realised we wont be able to change anything. The kids are a bit isolated ( no cousins) so we have nurtured relationships with friend etc and tried to build our own support network. Not easy as I am naturally shy and reticent but slowly overtime we have built a network. You have to come to a point of acceptance and then you can start to move on from things imo.

Kendodd · 04/03/2013 12:39

I have no support (apart from DH), even from coming straight out of hospital with new babies.

I was talking to DH about it and realized that I don't know a single working women, not one, who doesn't have at least some, if not all, free childcare going on. Childcare is so expensive it seems to me it's almost impossible to afford to work without having some free childcare.

ChestyLeRoux · 04/03/2013 12:40

Dahlen- Is it really only 1 in 5 that uses childcare? That doesnt seem right

Fluffy1234 · 04/03/2013 12:44

I'm not usually a jealous person but my best friend has just told me her DF is giving her 50k towards a house move. Her DH earns almost 200k a year and they are looking at mahoosive houses. I don't think i've had these feelings before or if I have I have said to myself it's good to be independent etc. This time though I'm proper jel of her.

Greythorne · 04/03/2013 12:45

Badvoc Mon 04-Mar-13 11:26:09
But it's a choice is it not?
A hard one, no doubt, but a choice.
And long distance relationships have been known to work!

Are you suggesting I and my children live in a different country to my husband / their father?

higgle · 04/03/2013 12:46

I do not know a single person who has had any help or support from their parents or in laws with child care, except having the children to stay sometimes in school holidays. I save my simmering resentment for a few I know who are not only SAHMs but have a full time nanny too "do you know how difficult it is to get your hair done when you have three children?" ..hmm.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 04/03/2013 12:49

MIL looks after the DDs 2 afternoons per week. It's a big help, although we still have an eye wateringly large childcare bill. She's not round the corner though, she's about 20miles away and works herself, so DH and I still cover all the sickness/plumber/dentist type emergencies.

We've never had any cash from PILS though (my parents are have been dead since I was 20). It doesn't bother me that some friends' parents have effectively jointly bought their houses with them - good for them! What I do find annoying is the two couples who keep asking when DH and I will be moving house, as they can't fathom that without parental help, our little terrace is all we can stretch to.

mrscog · 04/03/2013 12:49

Sorry greythorne only just got back from picking ds up from nursery. I do absolutely see he won't come to any harm from having sweets (well actually I do think sweets are completely inappropriate for a 1yo in a way that a few chocolate buttons which at least melt aren't), TV etc. I suppose my main worry is that it might undermime my parenting choices at home. It really is only for the next year anyway as I'm only really against sweets/choc and TV for under 2s. I will be much more relaxed as he gets older, and I do think it's nice for Gp's to be able to 'spoil' their GC's.

RandallPinkFloyd · 04/03/2013 12:49

See, I could shout down all people who claim to have no support at all yet do have husbands or partners when I literally have no one, but that would make me a bit of a twat.

So whilst I may feel desperately envious I am also well aware that not every marriage is blissfully happy and that not having any couple-time away from your children must put a big strain on a relationship.

I also didn't see any mention of the OP not feeling sympathy for her parents having to work Hmm I'm quite sure the vast majority of people are able to see both sides of a situation. Being sad about your side doesn't make you less sad about the other side.

Kendodd · 04/03/2013 12:49

One thing that does make me angry though is that a friend of mine (who works) gets loads of free childcare from a very close family friend. This family friend is older, retired, has no grandchildren of her own (and is likely never to have) really loves my friends children, they are the grandchildren she will never have.

Everyone benefits from this relationship. My friend gets free childcare and support enabling her to work, family friend loves the children and loves looking after them, she is wanted and needed, and the children get an extra 'grandparent'.

Now the thing that makes me angry about this is the fact that because family friend is not a blood relation, this childcare arrangement is breaking the law and they could all end up being prosecuted. Madness!

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/03/2013 12:50

I don't resent my situation precisely, partly because I am now in the fortunate position to have good friends who will often do the odd school run or afternoon's care if I am ill or need to go to the dentist or something.

But I get wound up by school's assumption that family are available - banning siblings from meetings which all my backup people also want to go to, and scathingly saying "can't you leave him with someone? Grandparents maybe." Gee thanks, I hadn't thought of that, perhaps because one set live hundreds of miles away, and the other set only live nearby for half the year.