To have a simmering resentment that most people I know seem to get free family childcare and I can't - yes I know IBVU......

[Spice17]

That's it really, most people I know have the offer of free or at least very cheap childcare from their (usually retired) parents.

Both mine and DH's parents live in council houses and will have to work into their late 60's, so we can't get any help from them.

I know I'm being TOTALLY U but I'm just sad that we can't have this and having looked into the costs, increasingly worried how we'll afford it!

I also feel the same about weddings and buying a house, lots of friends got given 5-10K , deposits etc, me and DH scrimped and saved and paid for everything for both. DH says we should be proud of this and I do agree but I feel a simmering resentment that I can't seem to shift.

I don't AT ALL feel like our parents should help because they're in no financial position to but I just feel so bloody annoyed about it (not those lucky people's fault I know) But if they ever complain to me about being skint - I may have to never ever see them again can't do that, related to most of them!:)

I used to get incredibly jealous about this. In fact, I would say I was bitter. We have occasional help from my mum (like once every three months). That's it. All the happiest, most 'normal' people I know seem to have a lot of nearby family help BUT don't seem to know they're born, and seem to have NO IDEA of the pressures other families are under.

Recently, I came to terms with it. Nothing is going to change so I have to deal with it. It means I live my life differently than people with lots of support do. It means I can't help out at fairs and fetes particularly. It means I can't really have a 'proper' job as my husband's job is very demanding and we have no backup if the kids get sick or if I get sick. It means we go out very rarely and have had to cultivate relationships with teenagers at church who can babysit. It means I have to be very very selfish with my time and the structures of our family because no one is really looking out for me but me.

And that is sad and not something I would wish on my children. But it has also given me more compassion for other families under pressure and I am less likely to take certain things for granted.

Whether yabu or not depends on what you really mean by "simmering resentment".

If you simply mean "I am sad that I can't have what they have" then yanbu, and I am sure a lot of us can sympathise. It is tough. (But it won't be forever: children grow quickly and need less and less minding.)

If you really mean "I am angry with these people and would like what they have taken away from them" then yabu.

There are plenty of people who have the same lack of support for far more depressing reasons- because their parents are dead or seriously ill or disabled: would you really want them to be nursing a simmering resentment against you?

Looking on the bright side, if your parents are young enough to still be working, it will probably be some time before you have to organise their care; with a bit of luck you won't have to be dealing with that while your children are still little enough to depend on you. Having to deal with little children at the same time as organising nursing-homes or funerals is very stressful. There may be a silver lining here.

OP I understand- I live overseas and my parents and sisters are in the uk. I would love my parents to be closer- not necessarily to relieve the financial cost of work-related childcare (although it would be nice!) but also to help out with babysitting, sleepovers and all the other GP type activities they don't do.

I feel a pang of envy sometimes when I see other mums and their parents helping out.

On the other hand, my PIL live 15 mins down the road. MIL would jump at the chance to look after my dc while I work.
Whilst this would save on financial costs, it would be far from 'free'. The emotional debt would be huge.

You see, MIL is very controlling and manipulative. She's helped out in the past and sadly then uses this as ammunition for emotional blackmail over completely unrelated 'issues' or simply to guilt me into getting her own way over something.

For the same reasons I would never, ever be able to accept a 'gift' of money from my PIL.