To have a simmering resentment that most people I know seem to get free family childcare and I can't - yes I know IBVU......

[Spice17]

That's it really, most people I know have the offer of free or at least very cheap childcare from their (usually retired) parents.

Both mine and DH's parents live in council houses and will have to work into their late 60's, so we can't get any help from them.

I know I'm being TOTALLY U but I'm just sad that we can't have this and having looked into the costs, increasingly worried how we'll afford it!

I also feel the same about weddings and buying a house, lots of friends got given 5-10K , deposits etc, me and DH scrimped and saved and paid for everything for both. DH says we should be proud of this and I do agree but I feel a simmering resentment that I can't seem to shift.

I don't AT ALL feel like our parents should help because they're in no financial position to but I just feel so bloody annoyed about it (not those lucky people's fault I know) But if they ever complain to me about being skint - I may have to never ever see them again can't do that, related to most of them!:)

I don't resent others at all for having help, but I never realised how much easier family life would have been if we had family living near instead of 800 miles away. But the plus side is we don't have to constantly see them, which is preferable overall to me!

Our nursery is sole minimum wage earners or thereabouts.Single mums and dads,teen mums and low earners they can afford it,whereas people in professional jobs I know said if they work they would be no better off as no point.I do think its a lot easier to work the lower your income.

I bet they're not working anywhere near FT though. IT's simply not affordable to pay say £300 a month (as your contribution towards a £1000 bill for example) from a NMW income. Not without severe hardship.

Which means that they're probably in low-end jobs with little or no chance of career progression. One of the reasons many people work even while suffering financial hardship because of childcare costs is because it is recognised that it has a long-term pay off. That may not feel worth it in the early years when the payoff seem far off in the future (and indeed it may not be possible if the net loss to the family budget is so severe), but it does exist. I would like to see more families recognise this at the norm and not view childcare as simply costing more than the woman's income but instead see it as more of an investment into the woman's long term earning potential, career fulfilment, and general emotional wellbeing.

Im working full time and earn 6.25 an hour going up to 6.55 soon as I will be assitant manager.Its definitely worth it for me. Most of my friends are in same situation and working full time or 4 days.

We have similar. I do think there is a difference between London (and maybe big cities) and elsewhere. When i lived in London everyone i knew had parents who either worked full time themselves, lived too far away, or had no inclination to help out. Now i have moved out of London i am the only person whose parents/pils do/can not look after ds. Everyone at work looked at me like i was bonkers when i said i have no childcare. Even after explaining the situation they say things like, why don't your parents move near you and retire, so they can look after the dc - as if that's a normal expectation!

I am in an NCT group and have to ask them often to watch DS (hosp apps) and i always offer to return the favour (i would love too as i would feel it was reciprocated and fair) but they all have local parents so leave them with them.

It means i can't go back to work. i resent it being implied i am lazy or their careers are more important because they went back. i would love to be able to afford to go to work, but can't.

I will say its usually only London parents where low income earners cant afford it.Never heard of it in rl as childcare is about £34 a day,and parents are savong loads of money as thats all three meals for free,nappies for free etc so it makes sense to go to work as you hardly have to chip in yourself you can usually cover it with tax credits as uou get 70% childcare element then the other element and cb so all your wage is your own.

I was thinking this this morning - although from a slightly different angle as most of my friends don't pay for childcare as they have flexible jobs or parental help. DP and I are the only people who have to pay for childcare - and we live with my parents right now. Do they want to do childcare - no. That's their right. Doesn't mean I can't be jealous of my friends. However it does mean that instead of saving extra money to get out of here, we are paying it all to our childminder

Yep- London is definitely more expensive. DD's nursery cost £92.50 a day... We only sent her 1 day as we saw benefit of socialisation. No way we could afford 5 days even with me being back at work! She no longer goes as we can no longer afford it.

Depends on how many DC you're paying for too.

Im only paying for 2 but think I may be pregnant with no 3 if I am I will still definitely go back to work.

Actually where i live now costs only £5 per day less than the London nursery near where i used to live. My point was more about attitude and ability. All the gp's of those i know who live in London either are career professionals who still work, don't live in London, or have no inclination to help out as they are enjoying their retirement going out and about living the London life. Where i live now is very provincial, friends mum's have never worked, or have gone down p/t, also their attitude is much more family oriented. They are shocked at the thought family wouldn't look after the dc's.

We don't qualify for help as dh earns too much and the only jobs i could get round here would be dead end with no opportunity of progression. or it's commuting which would mean ds in childcare 7-7 every day.

I live nowhere near London or the home counties. My average bill for two preschoolers was somewhere in the region of £1730 pcm. That's for 9-5. If I were earning NMW and getting 70% paid for me, that would make my contribution £519 pcm. How is that possible on a net pay of £940pcm with rent/mortgage, utilities, food, fuel, etc?

It definitely is more expensive in your area dahlen.It works out for most people here though as you still get a decent lot of extra benefits even if your in work, and you get more than 70% from tax credits as you count the other element.My childcare is paid in full between the child care element and the other element so I dont contribute anything myself.

it's £55 per day 8-6 here. i would need some pre and post care too as i couldn't get to and from work in time. we get no credits or anything. so 2 dc would cost us over £60 per day on top of my wages. totally unfeasible.

I know what you mean. DH and I don't have any family close by. We live in London and pay a fortune for childcare. It is just one of those things but it makes me sad DS doesn't get to see his grandparents regularly. TBH they are getting on and probably wouldn't be up for helping out during the week but it would be nice to have someone to babysit occasionally. DH and I have been out together alone twice since DS was born. He's 3.

Wow, just came back from taking DD out in the buggy for a walk in the sunshine - seems like a lot of us are in the same boat.

I need to get over the resentment I know, it will only hurt me in the long run and I'm so lucky in so many ways.

We will be slightly better off by me going back to work by about £200 and I think I do want to go back but sometimes I wonder if we should just eat beans on toast every night and not put the heating on!

I'll just grit my teeth when people moan about the DM/MIL not doing it right

Its perfectly normal To feel the pain of parting with most or all of your earnings in childcare, but constant simmering resentment isn't good for anyone

You also need to look at the upsides of paying for proper childcare: you have genuine choice and control, rather than finances dictating your decision. My children went to a fantastic nursery and although it cost an arm and a leg, I was supremely thankful they had experiences which enriched their lives. They also have wonderful grandparents who give them different experiences rather than being childcarers

You need to remember too that those who rely on family could find
Themselves really stuck if the relatives get sick or Frail or just want time to do other things in their life. Regular childcare is a massive commitment and not one many of us would feel comfortable expecting someone to provide as a favour, so don't assume it's all a bed of roses.

Despite the costs I would far rather have the control - and another big plus is that as your children get older and the costs go down, you feel as though you're quids in, whereas if you've never paid for childcare it's very easy to just take things for granted

I can understand how you feel but you just have to suck it up. I don't have parents and dh has an elderly mum. She would babysit occasionally but we don't like to ask as sil asks her regularly. We pay for school holiday child care. We have a babysitter about 3-4 times a year so we can have a night out. No point feeling resentment, doesn't change anything but winds you up.
Listen to your dh and take pride in doing it for yourself and not being reliant on others.

CMs here charge £3 per hour.
Nursery is £30-40 per day.
Seems quite "cheap"compared to what some of you pay!

(Leicestershire btw)

I pay a childminder ?10 per hour.

So ?50 per day?
Blimey.
My sis paid £30 per day for my nephews. (She is a sahm though and they are loaded)

There is no point in feeling simmering resentment. People get huge deposits from their parents to buy houses, grandchildrens private schools paid and so on. And a lot of others don't. Of course it's nice to get help but if you don't you don't.

I don't resent but I can do a great line in self-pity because we don't have any regular cheap/free childcare, either. There are a few people I can call on in case of dire emergency, but it really needs to be dire for me to feel justified. And those people are inconsistent, not available most the time.

I know so many people who seem to have so many options. I think a few of them have illegal CMs, though, or else amazingly helpful acquaintances/neighbours.

I can only blame self for moving so far away from family. Have tried to find someone locally I could do childcare swaps with, no luck so far (only been here 9 yrs, though).

Spice do you think you will provide free chilcare for your GC or if you are still working help your DC with house deposits and evening and weekend babysitting? I've never even had 1 hours help and I think about this quite a lot. I would really like to help my DC out but this of course depends if they live locally to me.