To have a simmering resentment that most people I know seem to get free family childcare and I can't - yes I know IBVU......

[Spice17]

That's it really, most people I know have the offer of free or at least very cheap childcare from their (usually retired) parents.

Both mine and DH's parents live in council houses and will have to work into their late 60's, so we can't get any help from them.

I know I'm being TOTALLY U but I'm just sad that we can't have this and having looked into the costs, increasingly worried how we'll afford it!

I also feel the same about weddings and buying a house, lots of friends got given 5-10K , deposits etc, me and DH scrimped and saved and paid for everything for both. DH says we should be proud of this and I do agree but I feel a simmering resentment that I can't seem to shift.

I don't AT ALL feel like our parents should help because they're in no financial position to but I just feel so bloody annoyed about it (not those lucky people's fault I know) But if they ever complain to me about being skint - I may have to never ever see them again can't do that, related to most of them!:)

I totally agree OP. The SAHM/WOHM divide is often brought up on MN but tbh I think the divide between those who have childcare/helpful family practically on tap and those who don?t is much greater.

IF you?re working it?s a chunk of money for childcare to find ? or you have to decide it?s not financially worth it and give up your job.

Either way significantly less disposable income.
If you want to go out you have to pay for a babysitter, so again it costs you more than someone with family about, and you tend to go out less frequently (or you and your DH go out separately) than you otherwise might.
If your DC are ill, or the school boiler breaks you always have to pick up the slack.
If you are ill, you still have to soldier on.
Some things (e.g. going away overnight without DC) are pretty much impossible.
And (the most annoying thing) is that those with family help on tap really just don?t seem to get it. I went to a PTA meeting recently where the one woman had got her mum to sit with her DC for the 15 minutes before her DH got home. And then everyone talked about organising an adult only evening event and didn?t understand why some people wouldn?t be attend.

I really sympathise. My parents do my childcare (two DCs, two days a week). Really don't know how I would manage both financially and emotionally if they didn't, to be honest.

"Simmering resentment" is a bit strong but I do feel envious sometimes of some of the other mums of the kids in DD's class who can call on their parents to have their DC for them either in an emergency or just for a night outon a whim because they live nearby. We have no relatives near us (we knew this when we moved here though, tbf).

Having a devoted granny in spitting distance and not hundreds of miles away would have come in really handy (if only to do the school run!) the last couple of weeks with both flu and a nasty tummy bug simultaneously and hitting all 4 of us, one after another.

resentment/envy is totally corrosive so knock it on the head, Spice, it will erode your friendships and your happiness.

BUT

you would not be unreasonable to be irritated by hearing people bleat on about how unreasonable their mum is to want to go on holiday and not have the kids on their usual 2 days, or how inconvenient it is that MIL wants them picked up at 6 rather than 6.30 so she can go to the doctors.

ALTHOUGH

Grandparental childcare may be "free" but I think it's fair to say you pay for it in other ways.

I agree that people who get free childcare on tap from GPs don't get it. My sister was recently furious with our parents when they had the audacity to come and visit me, making themselves unavailable to provide her childcare needs

I agree that it makes life harder, and makes many things less attainable (nice family holiday savings go on childcare) and it IS annoying.

My MIL passed away when my eldest was born, my FIL has Alzheimers. My parents followed their dream and returned to the south west, making them great 'holiday destination' Grandparents, but not particularly useful in a practical sense. I don't begrudge them though, they've worked very hard for a long time to be able to live where they love and how they love to... they've also spent all their money creating their lovely life, meaning they can't help us out... again, I don't resent them YABU to resent others.

We can't move nearer to them as our family is settled (and FIL needs care) and I don't expect my parents to give up their dreams and be available for me. THEIR parents did the same, my folks worked harder and longer to get their dreams, I'm certainly not going to demand that they help me out, or my siblings just because life is tough for us, and it IS tough.

I signed up for family life, I try to keep a balance between work and life, I earn very little after childcare, full time is out of the question at present (tried it, was poor AND had working hard, without the joy of children) we don't have many holidays and then, it's to see the Grandparents, the list could go on... however, we have a ball, we're very close, we have a lot of free fun, we don't feel obliged to work around demanding relatives, my children see DH and I as the only 'bosses' and I have immense self satisfaction that what little we do have is ours and was gained through our own sheer hard work and sacrifice.

I don't begrudge those who have it easier, better, richer... it's a waste of energy.

YANBU to feel like you've got it harder. You have. 4 in 5 working parents rely primarily on GPs (usually the mother's mother) to provide childcare. Only 1 in 5 uses professional childcare full time.

I'm one of those 1 in 5 and I empathise completely. When mine were babies, I never went anywhere other than work because I was paying every penny I had on childcare just to get to work. Nights out were an impossibility.

It does get easier, and I'm sure you'll find that as it does the simmering resentment settles into a kind of benign wistfulness.

FWIW, I think this is going to become an increasing problem as more people move around to follow work and the retirement age keeps rising.

It's been a lifesaver in emergencies tbh.
I was rushed to hospital last year and its just one less thing to worry about knowing the dc are being looked after by pils.
My sons school had a gas leak on Friday...I really feel for those parents whose day it ruined.
I was a bit cheesed off, but it wasn't the end of the world. I didn't have an irate boss to deal with for example.

yanbu.

I used to have more help from my family than I do now (death, relationships changing etc) and I'm in a permanent, entitled grump about not being able to do as much as I used to.

I should just add though that the tendency to resent is I think a universal trait and I don't think it would go away if you had free childcare/deposit for a house etc. You would just look at even more fortunate people/friends and feel a bit resentful of their greater range of options in life than yours.

I sometimes feel unfortunate that our kids don't have a large garden to play in like most of their friends, and that we don't have the choice of schooling options that they have.

But then I remember that most of the world lives on $1 a day, and I tell myself to get a bloody grip and be thankful.

Op you are talking about me. We got generous help form both sets of parents towards our wedding. My 2 dc have also been cared for solely by my parents when I am at work, now that are at school they also collect them and take them back to theirs for supper. My mum still works (nights) dad can't as he has poor health. I completely and utterly realise how very lucky we are, not only from the financial aspect but also that they adore my dc. However YABU to have a resentment towards people like me. It's a waste of time and won't change your circumstances!

Thanks Badvoc

You're not BU to feel like this especially as you understand that your parents cant help. Caitlin Moran wrote an interesting article on this (or was it in her book?) . Not "fair" that some people start life -and then again their adult life- with such an enormous leg-up. Sadly the way of the world..

YABU but I hear ya.

I am a single parent to 3 girls, 1 who has disabilities and LDs, I work part time and have no family to help. I have an amazing childminder luckily who charges very reasonably and is very flexible (thank god!).

But it's natural to feel slightly resentful of people who seem to have family, babysitters and other help whenever they need it. I have had this horrid virus for the last 2 weeks and most days felt like death warmed up, I'd have loved to take to my bed but of course just had to get on with it. I just wanted someone to tuck me in and say "I'll sort out the girls, don't you worry"

Don't let that resentment eat you up though as there's nothing you can do to change it. It's OK to feel it from time to time but don't let it consume you.

Flossiechops
Surprised you don't have any empathy for the OP.

Saying you realise you are lucky is not very empathetic to others.

yanbu

we've only recently been able to go out now The Child is 13 and can be left alone

We had our child quite late in life, and by that time my beloved PIL's both had Alzheimers; and we were the ones doing the caring. That was difficult with a newborn/toddler/young child.
My parents have babysat once in 14 years and it was like asking them to pull their own teeth out.
It's been tough; but I do feel a tremendous sense of achievement.
My daughter is beautiful, clever,talented,kindly and caring. No-one helped us at all and we've grown her, on her own, from seed.

You're supposed to compare down, not up to feel more satisfied with your life.

I understand how you feel though and am in a very similar position. I'm gobsmacked at how much help some families give to people I know, but I am glad also that I know me and dh can cope with whatever life throws at us on our own.

On the basis that Childminding places are like golddust and a lot of nursery places round here have big waiting lists (and more nurseries keep opening up), I don't think most people have parents/pil that do do free baby sitting in the way you describe.

None of our relatives are near. The times I miss not having them is not when I need regular child care, but more the urgent but not emergency. "Dd2's just started throwing up, could you meet ds so I don't have to take him out". Yes, I can ask friends (and they will do it) but there's a niceness about being able to ask your mum.

Some of the people who do use their parents for child care do pay quite substantial amounts, at least what they'd pay for child care. They don't shout about it, so people generally don't know, but when it came up in conversation it turned out that several who I'd have thought were getting free child care were not.

YABU, as you know, but I fully understand your feelings.

I think it is natural to be envious of what you can idealise as harmonious family relationships. I lost my mum when I was young, so I am always melancholic when I hear of people whose day-to-day lives involve their mothers. I miss that emotional closeness, and imagine that, were she still alive, she would have wanted to be an intimate part of my DD's life and help me with her, take an interest in her (my dad remarried and lives hundreds of miles away: he's seen DD 6 times in her 4.5 yr old life; my ILs live abroad). Who knows what the reality would have been like.

I am permanently anxious about emergency situations, for which we have absolutely no back-up. All my friends work themselves and have families and commitments, so I could never rely on them or abuse their good natures.

I am always tired, either physically or - much more insidiously - mentally, because there is no time I can find (and none I can afford 'to buy' in the form of additional childcare) simply to do nothing or be absolutely on my own. If I do spend an hour in my office staring into the middle distance, I feel guilty and anxious about it, and have to catch it up later anyway!

It is has definitely meant that we will only have one child. We cannot afford the financial outlay (more than £10,000 a year in pre-school childcare costs - we felt the constraints of that very keenly while they were ongoing, and will continue to feel them because of other financial decisions we had to make at the time to afford them), and the psychological strain of being without a fall-back position really costs me (I think that reflects poorly on me, but there it is).

So long as I am fit and well, and if my DD would like it, I fully intend to provide as much childcare and assistance to her as I can. I really don't want her and any future partner to have to struggle as I felt we did (and do).

God, what a miserable caaahhh I am!

I understand how you feel though and am in a very similar position. I'm gobsmacked at how much help some families give to people I know, but I am glad also that I know me and dh can cope with whatever life throws at us on our own.

I hear you OP and am in the same camp as handbag ^

Our best friends continually run up debts which their parents pay off and get a huge amount of free childcare. It's frustrating but I often think about what their parents will expect when they are too old to cope and need care themselves and what the children of my friends will expect when they have their own family!

I feel bad tying this but there i have found that one massive con for having free on tap child care in the past, is that now my Mum uses a wheelchair, i feel duty bound to take her out daily (and all appointments). I get comments about the help that she gave me in the past, from other family members, if i dare to say that i am feeling drained.

I am exhausted trying to be "all things to all people", tbh, it was much easier to have my eldest DD 24/7, when my Mum didn't have time, as she worked full time, which changed when i had my last two.

I am about to provided free childcare when i can, including overnight stays to a relative, due within two weeks.

I don't expect anything back for this, but not everyone is the same.

When dd1 was little my parents did my childcare. I was incredibly grateful because without them I would have been on benefits at least until dd1 went to school and I could have afforded childcare. Them helping me meant that I could go to uni (in the same city as them obviously) and get my career started.

We moved away when dd1 was 6 and suddenly I realised just exactly how lucky I had been having them provide the childcare for so long. As a single working parent I found it incredibly difficult to afford even the breakfast/after school club, and that was with a reasonable salary coming in, I don't know how people can possibly afford to pay full time childcare when they have a lower paid job.

I now use a cm ft for dd2 and it costs more than my mortgage each month. I desparately want another child but dp doesn't and the financial aspect is the one thing I can't argue against, we haven't got the money to pay for another ft place with the cm, even though she has reasonable charges and is cheaper than any of the nurseries we could use.

I do wish we had free childcare from grandparents, but we don't and we just have to suck it up.

X post with Wiley.

Simmering resentment is a bit strong but I do get jealous of friends who have family support. Its hard when they go out with their husbands every week whilst grandma/aunt babysits. Even harder with the sleepovers.

Our nearst relatives are 2.5 hours away. What worries me most is that there's no one I can call on in an emergency. I have friends but they all work and have young dc of their own.