To have a simmering resentment that most people I know seem to get free family childcare and I can't - yes I know IBVU......

[Spice17]

That's it really, most people I know have the offer of free or at least very cheap childcare from their (usually retired) parents.

Both mine and DH's parents live in council houses and will have to work into their late 60's, so we can't get any help from them.

I know I'm being TOTALLY U but I'm just sad that we can't have this and having looked into the costs, increasingly worried how we'll afford it!

I also feel the same about weddings and buying a house, lots of friends got given 5-10K , deposits etc, me and DH scrimped and saved and paid for everything for both. DH says we should be proud of this and I do agree but I feel a simmering resentment that I can't seem to shift.

I don't AT ALL feel like our parents should help because they're in no financial position to but I just feel so bloody annoyed about it (not those lucky people's fault I know) But if they ever complain to me about being skint - I may have to never ever see them again can't do that, related to most of them!:)

Dahlen - where is this figure from - "YANBU to feel like you've got it harder. You have. 4 in 5 working parents rely primarily on GPs (usually the mother's mother) to provide childcare. Only 1 in 5 uses professional childcare full time."

I know lots of working parents, and very few have any GP childcare, or if they do it's maybe a day a week. I just find that figure really hard to believe!

Anyway, OP, YANBU in feeling down about this. But as you say, you have at least done everything yourself, and you can be proud of that.

Swings and roundabouts though, isn't it?

I have one day a week care from parents/ PIL (they take turns) and I really appreciate it, but the fact is that retired gps are by definition older. They won't be healthy forever. They won't be alive forever.

If your parents are not yet retired then lucky you - you have younger parents than I do! I'm also very very conscious of how tough it is on older people looking after small kids. I just couldn't ask my olds to do much more - I'd feel terrible. They're busy and knackered enough.

We only have one kid - for lots of reasons. That too is of course a choice! I dunno, having kids is just really tiring and hard work in my experience. I've never understood the MN thing of having two, three, four kids then wondering why it's so tiring and stressful.

I saw Dahlen's stat on the BBC recently.

YANBU to feel a bit envious: I use paid for child care to allow me to work FT. My parents are both passed away for many years. ExH went through long periods of unemployment but would not look after his own DD more than the bare minimum (ie one day per week after school pick up on his contact day). He increased it to 2 days after school when she needed help with homework in P6. ExMIL is old and frail so no possibility of her being able to help out. So I had to pay for child care and get by with zero maintenance.

Ex H is back in work, but the maintenance DD now gets from him does not even cover the cost of the 2 days extra after school care she needs now he can't pick her up - so financially I am worse off than when he was not working .

Also, now I have to get to after school club pick ups 5 nights a week - v stressful as I have a demanding job, but HAVE to leave at 5.30 each night.

I have no me-time for exercise etc during the week as no-one to watch DD. If I am organised I can manage to go for a run once a fortnight when she is at her Dad's on a weekend. I have long since given up on works nights out or socialising with friends due to the prohibitive cost of babysitting.

I barely get by as it is on my salary so no possibility of reducing my hours - virtually impossible in my type of role anyway. Dreading the childcare costs over Easter and summer hols. I do have a partner but he is away a lot for work and he does have 2 teens of his own. He will help out with childcare for me when he can but I really wish DD's father would do more.

A lot of people who use childcare never move further than down the road. It is lovely to be close to my family, and I do value the help with the children, but the downside is I've had to build my life somewhere I may well have tried to move away from if family ties weren't there. Choosing to live near family can be a compromise in itself.

Join the club! I dont have financial or emotional support from my elderly parents and that certainly wont change now theres a child on the way.

In fact they're so unsupportive I havent even told them yet!

Do things on your own - dont rely on others

Around here it's probably 4 in 5 have GP childcare. Out of about 20 working friends there's only do that don't rely on GPs for some part if the week at least.

Nearly everyone I know uses childcare and claims it back through tax credits.I think its better than grandparent care as they are always going on trips,have loads of activities,are working to eyfs and are with their friends.

The 4 in 5 families stats is from the govt.'s own statistics. I suspect it correlates quite strongly to urban/rural mix and geographical location. So if, for example, you work in a professional capacity in London using FT childcare, chances are you will know many more parents who rely on FT childcare, whereas if you work PT in a semi-rural setting, you'd be more likely to know people who use GPs. Rural areas have a far less high turnover of communities than urban centres.

I have got the offer of childcare from my parents but am declining it, I did agree at first but as my pregnancy has progressed it feels like lines are already being blurred, she's not due to be born until this weekend but my parents are already calling her 'my baby' and 'our baby'.

They are also very set in their ways and often comment that babies were fine in their day doing x,y & z and that nowadays there is too much information that makes us all paranoid, scarily it's to do with safety issues such as how to put them to sleep, when I was a baby the advice was to sleep us face down.

I don't feel like I'd be able to ask them take care of her as DH & I would want without causing friction and think it's going to be much better to keep their relationship as grandparents and not childminders.

I've been in touch with a local childminder and she charges £3.50 an hour which is worth it to us for peace of mind and to keep a good family relationship between everyone.

I think poorer areas have most children in childcare as they get it paid for so it makes them bettet off.

If it makes you feel any better I don't know anyone who has child care provided by their parents.

Paying for childcare and being reliant on it is a funny thing though. I have never resented paying my CM and if I'd been able to afford more I'd have paid her more. She was - and still is - worth every penny. You can't put a price on peace of mind.

What I have resented more than anything is the fact that childcare is still very much a woman's problem. My DC's father had the benefit of FT childcare provided by me without ever having to put his hand in his pocket for maintenance, let alone a contribution towards childcare.

We're in the same boat as the OP, it doesn't really bother me but sometimes I can be a little envious and annoyed. Mostly I am just a bit envious but I get a little annoyed by it when friends seem to take the help they get for granted.

For example, when a friend is complaining that her parents can't have the DC for the 3rd weekend that particular month which will mean they have to pay for a babysitter to go out. I nod along nicely but in my head I'm thinking but you are so lucky to have parents that can/will have them at all and 2 weekends a month already is a lot!

The other times I feel annoyed is when people assume you have family, so when someone that you are talking to doesn't seem to understand that no, I have no one to leave the DC with.

My favourite is when I've explained I can't make it to an event because I haven't got anyone to have the DC with and they say 'well, can't your mum just have them?'...... er, no.

Chesty, I'm not sure I understand your last post, sorry. Can you rephrase? Who is better off?

If your on a low wage you can afford childcare whereas if your on higher income you are usually working for nothing so its pointless.

I can see where the Op is coming from.

I know of a couple whose relatives take the baby overnight every Saturday night and then make a huge fry up for couple in the morning when they come to get baby.

ubik

Spice17- i understand it's not easy when you see how other people seemingly get things so good.
I haven't returned to work mainly because the cost of childcare outweighs my income... Luckily though my husband does everything he can to provide us with a comfortable life. I know i am lucky here.... But i also know we paid for our wedding ourselves, we still rent even though my husband owns a property company (well nearly owns...37k left to pay off!) we also have around 30k in debt on top of that... And both our parents live back in Australia - so can't really blame them for lack of helping hand... However can be annoyed that neither bothered contributing to our wedding LET ALONE buying so much as a card...
Such is life

I agree, Mimikos. When I tentatively suggested to some of the mothers at dd's play school that we could have a babysitting circle, you'd have thought I'd suggested a spot of satanic worship. "Why don't you ask your mum?" one asked. When I replied that that would involve a seance, she looked quite blank.

lainie I know, people just assume don't they?

I don't think it's quite that simple. Currently the government will pay 70% for the lowest earners. As soon as you start earning more than FT NMW it's reduced. But even if you get the full 70%, the remaining 30% out of a NMW income is so significant as to be prohibitive for many.

The truth is that there are no easy answers apart from maybe massive government subsidy. Childcare is horribly expensive. But the solution is not to make it cheaper as it's so important.

There was a point up thread about setting up networks and I know several families who help each other out by organising reciprocal childcare. No money changes hands but it helps the families a great deal.

can sympathise. dh's parents are both dead. my mum has serious mh issues and my dad lives abroad. it's bloody hard and difficult not to be jealous of luckier people. hey ho, I look forward to helping out with my grandchildren one day and reading on here about how I'm the mil from hell