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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset by friends facebook status - I know I probably am but find it genuienely distressing!

256 replies

RoseGarden123 · 03/03/2013 20:49

Saw friends facebook status about leaving her 6 week old DS to CIO to get him onto a healthy routine. this baby was born 4 weeks early. I text her to see if everything was ok. When she said she couldn't deal with doing the CIO but thought it was the best thing to establish a routine early ,I sent her a link to some info which I said had found really helpful in the early days. I'll admit the link was to some unconditional/ AP type parenting approach, her response was she didn't go in for the 'hippy' stuff and she wanted to make sure that her DS knew who was boss from day one and wasn't going to 'win' and after 3 hours he had gone to sleep.
I am not upset at all about her rejecting the info link, I sent it very tactfully and everyone chooses their own path in parenting but seriously CIO with a prem 6 week old, am I completely off the mark when I think this is very upsetting and worrying?!

OP posts:
chubbychipmonk · 03/03/2013 22:06

What a total cow! At 6 weeks old most people (with any sort of maternal instinct) are still in awe of their precious baby & couldn't bear to hear it cry for 3 mins let alone 3 hours! Very sad that her main priority seems to be to show it 'who's boss' rather than to show it 'who it can trust to be there when its upset'. Selfish bitch.

newcastle34 · 03/03/2013 22:07

36 weeks isn't term though. Maybe not 4 weeks prem but still prem. I had a planned c section and they woudn't do it till 39 weeks. Plus leaving a 6 week old to cio is plain cruel. Think you Probably shouldn't have sent ap link. Probably a step too far.

cluelesscleaner · 03/03/2013 22:12

I think this has "everything" to do with you being upset that she rejected your info Op. Sounds like your nose has been put out of joint here....

targaryen24 · 03/03/2013 22:12

Did she check on her or just leave it for those three hours OP?
And does she know the guidelines for controlled crying...i.e. checking on them, timing the checks, comforting them if they go beyond upset into hysterical? If you are going to do CC/CIO then those things are pretty important!!!

thebody · 03/03/2013 22:16

36 to 42 weeks are normal delivery. At least they were when I trained as a nursing sister.

I don't advocate leaving new babies to cry. I never did.

BUT please read the original post.

And please again look at the facts. It's a face book status, distasteful maybe but probably not the total truth.

Maybe the op sending a link to the equally stupid unconditional parenting advice provoked this response from an obviously stupid woman.

If the op was a real friend she would offer proper support not links to websites??

I suggest this is a mischief making post to be honest.

scarletsalt · 03/03/2013 22:17

She has obviously been told that establishing a routine is best for the baby and will make them 'contented' etc and is probably just trying to do that the best way she knows how.

I feel sick when I think of the way that we left DS to cry for his first few days (although we are talking minutes here, not 3 hours!). Me and DH were totally clueless about what to do. I had been to an NCT breastfeeding class which said NOTHING about the fact that the baby could well be hungry literally every few minutes, so when he was crying we thought he couldnt possibily be hungry again (plus the fact that breastfeeding was so painful that I was worried that putting him on so often would make my nipples even more shredded), we changed his nappy, rocked him, everything and in the end had to just put him in the moses basket completely stumped as to how to help him (I feel a bit teary just writing that Sad )

Of course now I realise that he was just hungry and like I said, I feel just so shit about what we did. In fact it is only from reading mumsnet that I even realised this! But at the time we had no clue what to do, plus the advice we were getting from MIL was that he was 'testing' us and 'not to give in' Hmm . DS is of course absolutely fine - he was the most chilled out young baby ever, although has become a bit more 'challenging' Grin as a toddler. Hopefully I will know better for next time!

It is very possible that the OPs friend is doing what she thinks is best for the family, and has just received bad advice. Op maybe just talk to her and, without pushing any kind of AP stuff on here, just let her know about alternatives to setting a routine so early.

MajaBiene · 03/03/2013 22:21

It is upsetting, but I think your friend must have some kind of PND to be able to leave her baby to cry for 3 hours. That isn't a normal human response in a mother who is thinking clearly.

sausagedogfan · 03/03/2013 22:22

thebody I went into hospital with a false alarm at 36weeks, and the midwives weren't allowed to do much with me as I was considered pre-term, so it all needed to be led by a doctor. I was only a few days away from 37weeks, but it didn't matter, I was still officially pre-term. This was less than 2yrs ago, btw.

AlisonMoyet · 03/03/2013 22:23

ROSE

get a life

JollyYellowGiant · 03/03/2013 22:23

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/premature-early-labour.aspx NHS says babies born before 37 weeks are premature. You may need to refresh your training, thebody.

Original poster
RoseGarden123 · 03/03/2013 22:25

Just to be clear as original post says, first post was on facebook, rest was by text, started with me asking if she was ok, nothing else! I asked her if she wanted the link, didn't force it on her and really not fussed that this isn't for her. I am concerned for her and her approach. this isn't a mischief making post, I am a regular poster on this forum.
I am concerned about her, and in the past she has always commented on how she admires our approach to parenting our ds, maybe the link didn't help but I just sent her what worked for me. I don't think the link is the issue, I feel the CIO is. This doesn't sit right with me too what sort of person I know she is. As I said before I am concerned, not social services level concerned but concerned she needs support.

OP posts:
midastouch · 03/03/2013 22:26

YANBU 6 weeks is very young, far too young imo for crying it out, i dont like CIO method at best of times i tried it when my DD was 7 months old but not for long! I think you did the right thing sending her some information but thats all you can do. It makes me feel sad knowing a baby is crying and i dont even know the woman Sad

notactuallyme · 03/03/2013 22:27

3 hours solid crying? Noone could seit through that and I doubt it could be sustained? Or 3 hours waking, settling etc?

cluelesscleaner · 03/03/2013 22:33

Are you going to send a link of this thread to your friend too Op?

Pilgit · 03/03/2013 22:39

I can understand the temptation with CIO with a baby this young - I have an 11 week old who can be a total kraken for long periods and no matter what we do she doesn't stop! It is headache inducing and sometimes the stress of not knowing what to do for her is abysmal and I have to put her down so that my stress levels can reduce to the point where I can deal with it rationally again. This is not for more than 5 minutes though and she is usually left with someone else whilst this happens. It is now levelling out and is nowhere near as bad as it was! She must be in a bad place to resort to this and support may be what she needs rather than condemnation - I agree, she needs support.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/03/2013 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 03/03/2013 22:47

Jolly, as a nurse we were saving babies born at an age when they could have been legal aborted , so for me 36 weeks will be fine.. Sorry if that causes some confusion.

I don't need to retrain.

Op sorry to dought your post but this woman is supposed to be a close friend so surprised you can sit through this level of abuse levelled at her( someone actually suggested posting her this link god forbid)

Stop posting about her and go round.

She may need a helping warm and friendly hand but not this level of abuse...

Are you her friend? If so stop posting and be one!

HollaAtMeBaby · 03/03/2013 22:51

YANBU but if your friend feels she needs a structured approach she was never going to be open to what you sent her. She probably just feels judged by you now. It might be more helpful to her and to her poor baby if you could direct her towards some info that will help her impose a routine of sorts but doesn't support the full CIO - so from memory, maybe something like the baby whisperer?

GrowSomeCress · 03/03/2013 22:52

People are suggesting SS? Really?

How do we even know that she wasn't jokingly exaggerating, like you might say to someone tying their shoelaces and faffing about "three hours later..."

sweetkitty · 03/03/2013 22:52

Bloody awful but there's not much you can do you have asked if she's ok, linked her some stuff etc

A friend of mine had a DC same time as I had one of mine, she told me once he was fed and changed she put him in his buggy and stuck him in the utility room as it was the furthest room from her bedroom and stuck her iPod on Hmm she thought I was mad as my DC all coslept with me and nursed during the night as many times as they needed to.

thebody · 03/03/2013 23:00

Exactly growsomecress..

I am out of this one.

If posters feel good about abusing a new mum they have never met over a face book status then that's sad.

eavesdropping · 03/03/2013 23:00

Leaving a 6 week old to cry for 3 hours is just fucking awful. I couldn't be friends with somebody like that.

babanouche · 03/03/2013 23:09

Have you all forgotten how insane a six week baby can make you feel? Especially if it's your first. I think you're all giving this poor woman a terribly hard time without knowing all the facts. I've never left a child to cry for 3 hours but I doubt she did either. Can a 6 week old physically cry that long anyway??

I wouldn't set the dogs on her because of a facebook status ffs.

OP, I think you were right to send her the link. She may well look at it later when she's in a better place.

CommanderShepard · 03/03/2013 23:11

I wouldn't link her to this thread. She's been accused of all sorts!

babanouche · 03/03/2013 23:13

ffs no I didn't mean the link to this thread, I meant the AP links!