Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Upset by friends facebook status - I know I probably am but find it genuienely distressing!

256 replies

RoseGarden123 · 03/03/2013 20:49

Saw friends facebook status about leaving her 6 week old DS to CIO to get him onto a healthy routine. this baby was born 4 weeks early. I text her to see if everything was ok. When she said she couldn't deal with doing the CIO but thought it was the best thing to establish a routine early ,I sent her a link to some info which I said had found really helpful in the early days. I'll admit the link was to some unconditional/ AP type parenting approach, her response was she didn't go in for the 'hippy' stuff and she wanted to make sure that her DS knew who was boss from day one and wasn't going to 'win' and after 3 hours he had gone to sleep.
I am not upset at all about her rejecting the info link, I sent it very tactfully and everyone chooses their own path in parenting but seriously CIO with a prem 6 week old, am I completely off the mark when I think this is very upsetting and worrying?!

OP posts:
babanouche · 03/03/2013 23:51

Yes. I know about CIO and how damaging it can be and I would never advocate it for any child at any time. I'm just appalled that instead of taking a minute to consider this woman might be really suffering herself, you and others would rather do a character assassination, even when you don't know what's going on.

Yay for the sisterhood.Hmm

eavesdropping · 03/03/2013 23:51

If somebody started an AIBU about an elderly person being knowingly left in distress by a relative for 3 hours, I wonder whether people would be going on about not knowing the facts. I expect people would be using the term neglect then.

Why is it unacceptable to treat an elderly person like this, but if it's a baby it's okay?

babanouche · 03/03/2013 23:51

sorry maja, xpost

hiddenhome · 03/03/2013 23:51

Gah, I give up.

Have it your own way, dole out sympathy for the poor 'new mummy', but remember that other people will be the ones to suffer as well as this child. He will be scarred for life and take others with him.

cluelesscleaner · 03/03/2013 23:53

And what about the rest of us hidden who were babies in the day where the CIO method was the norm. Are you seriously saying that we're all walking around as damaged individuals with ADs?

SirBoobAlot · 03/03/2013 23:53

Completely agree Eaves.

maddening · 03/03/2013 23:54

The thing is the mother seems to think it is ok - it is likely this is advice she has been given - if she knew it was wrong or at best ill advised then I doubt she would post it on fb.

As new mums we all have advice given to us - and if it comes from someone you trust then you are likely to trust it. And when there are so many parenting styles and gurus it is easy to pick up advice that might be wrong - and that is easier to have happen in the blur of motherhood.

All the op can do is give her advice - and at the risk of pushing her friend away - but the friend might have mil/dm/dsis/ other friends all saying cio - if she isn't one to research and hears it enough why would she question it?

babanouche · 03/03/2013 23:54

I've seen loads of threads on here where posters have said more facts were needed. No one said anything about it being ok to treat an old person this way. That's just daft.

SirBoobAlot · 03/03/2013 23:55

I'd suggest that anyone that thinks its okay to leave a vulnerable two week old baby to cry for three hours because mum wants to be 'in charge' is damaged.

Same as anyone who was smacked as says "It didn't do me any harm" and thinks that they are fine as they smack their own children.

babanouche · 03/03/2013 23:55

hidden "He will be scarred for life and take others with him."

I'd love a shot of that crystal ball of yours when you're done with it.

hiddenhome · 03/03/2013 23:55

Exactly, eavesdropping it's as disgusting as the medical staff who used to operate on newborns without using any anaesthetic because they believed that they couldn't feel pain Sad

Babies and children as treated like animals by some people.

We all had it tough when we first had a baby, but some of us don't pass that on to the child. It's called being a decent parent and some of us are and some of us aren't. Read it and weep, literally Sad

I'm off to bed. Disgusted by how callous people can be towards such a young baby.

eavesdropping · 03/03/2013 23:56

No one said anything about it being ok to treat an old person this way.

That was precisely my point. Nobody would think it okay to treat an old person this way. So why is CIO even legal?

babanouche · 04/03/2013 00:03

Well, I guess the prisons are full already Hmm

Listen, I agree our child protection laws aren't great. I don't think anyone here is saying leaving a child to CIO is a good thing. My objection is to the nastiness being directed at a new mum none of us know, based on something she said on facebook.

But I'd also add that caring for an elderly relative and caring for a newborn are different. I've done both and both are stressful. But being a mother for the first time is a massive shock no one can prepare you for. Add into that crazy hormones, possible PND, and I don't think it takes a massive leap to see why some new mums sometimes make bad decisions. It doesn't mean she's a bad person or is going to be a terrible mum. It just means in that instance, she failed.

blackeyedsusan · 04/03/2013 00:07

www.drmomma.org/2012/09/the-dangers-of-crying-it-out.html

I have not looked at the evidence they used properly, but it could be a starting point for research.

thebody · 04/03/2013 00:08

Agree babanouche.

The level of abuse and hate on here is awful.

Controlled crying made illegal!!! WTAF..

Ignorant ranting so scary. As said have reported this thread as feel op may have outed her friend.

Makes me sad tonight to be a mumsnetter to be honest.

babanouche · 04/03/2013 00:18

I'm sorry you feel that way, body. FWIW I'm glad to have your rational voice on here.

Goldenbear · 04/03/2013 00:27

What- why are you reporting things? Shock, horror people do not like small, defenceless children being so despicably treated. This person is an adult, a grown woman who is not sobbing in the corner about how she can't cope but bragging on a social networking site about how cruelly she is treating the baby she gave birth to 6 weeks ago. 'welcome to the world little baby, see you in 3 hours when you've learnt who the boss is!'. The only victim in this scenario is the baby.

sleepyhead · 04/03/2013 00:37

If she actually left the baby crying for 3 hours (which I don't believe for one minute) then it was a very stupid thing to do if she's planning to have some sort of routine in place as surely after 3 hours she'd have been just about due to wake it up again for a feed.

I suspect "3 hours" means "what felt like a bloody long time" and is largely bravado. Silly woman though posting something like this on Facebook. It doesn't exactly make her sound like mother of the year.

MidnightMasquerader · 04/03/2013 00:54

I remember the 6-8 week period with both my DC as being the most harrowing, bleakest, living-on-my-final-nerve, destroyed by sleep exhaustion period that I have ever gone through. I honestly didn't think it would be as bad the second time around, but it was. Hideous.

I have total sympathy for anyone in the depths of that. You're barely rational.

I can't imagine leaving a baby to cry alone for 3 hours, though. 10 minutes, at a desperate stretch while you scream into a pillow. And then beat yourself up about, forever more.

Posting about it in Facebook seems like a really strange thing to do, to me. I can't relate to that at all, and adds in a weird, calculated sort of response to the problem, which makes me uncomfortable. But then I suppose if you're one of those people who live their life through FB and post every time a thought pops into you head, maybe it's totally normal for you.

I actually do think that there should be some sort of awareness campaign around Crying It Out in very young babies. They promote breastfeeding, there's awareness around Shaken Baby Syndrome. Co-sleeping, etc, Why not some awareness-raising around this?

I do think there is some hysteria on this thread which is OTT, but there's no denying that an infant crying for hours on end is not good. Not good at all. So many of us are totally clueless when it comes to babies. And it's not our fault. Nothing can prepare you. Add into that the fact that there is so much conflicting advice around, and it's hardly surprising that many people don't know what to do for the best.

That poor baby. And the poor Mum too, to actually believe this is in any way a good, productive thing to do.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 04/03/2013 01:18

Omg, why do some thick as shit parents not realise that crying is a tiny babies only method of communication.

It reminds me of that heartbreaking RSPCC ad, about the baby who learns not to cry because nobody comes, imagine being that tiny baby crying for 3 hours, you need to establish security behind parent and child before you can do anything like that.

And yeah any parent who lets a tiny baby cry for 3 hours straight, is a fucking headcase.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 04/03/2013 01:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsallyourownfault · 04/03/2013 05:43

I bet most of you with the outrage had babies who still didn't sleep after 3 months. The British way of letting the baby, and even toddler, run the whole family is very sad. A baby can put itself back to sleep between sleep cycles if you just step away and stop swooping every second.

MidnightMasquerader · 04/03/2013 06:33

Not responding to every whimper and hoping a baby learns to self-settle ... and leaving an infant to cry alone for three hours ...

...ah feck it - if someone actually needs the difference explained to them, it's just not worth engaging...

Tricycletops · 04/03/2013 06:49

hiddenhome your post is foul and I've reported it.

As for you OP I hope you're no 'friend' of mine...

Swipe left for the next trending thread