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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter age 9 still wets/soils her knickers and is going to a residential trip in June

102 replies

bengal38 · 27/02/2013 20:50

My daughter is 9 years old and since she was 4 years old has been wetting and soiling her knickers. Have taken her to the Drs recently (and in the past a few times) and there is no problem.

She says she can't be bothered to go toilet. When she has friend round/goes to a friend she will go toilet for a wee but not for a poo which results in the soiled underwear.

She is going away in June for a 2 night trip to a residential trip and I am worried she will be wetting/soiling her underwear. I have spoken to her about this and she tells me not to worry. Can't mention to the teachers either as it is really embarrassing.

Anyone have any ideas please?

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 27/02/2013 20:52

Have you not sought help before now? What does your GP, school nurse etc say?

surely she soils at school - what do they say?

Original poster

bengal38 · 27/02/2013 20:56

Doctor did a swab test on her they thought it could be a condition when children soil their underwear. Results came back fine so we have come to the conclusion that it is laziness (maybe). At school she wets herself but soils her underwear. Teachers in Reception said she would grow out of it. Then in Year 1 things were ok-ish but back in Year 2 things got worse again. Thing is she is in Year 4 and is almost 9 and a half years old. Teachers in Year 3 and Year 4 haven't mentioned it to me because I don't think they have noticed properly.

OP posts:

Somebodysomewhere · 27/02/2013 20:56

Im guessing her teacher is about to find out. I really think you should give them a heads up !

Smartiepants79 · 27/02/2013 20:57

PLEASE speak to her teachers. They HAVE to know this.
However I suspect that it is possible that in this situation, surrounded by her peer/friends she may use the toilet.
Her teachers maybe able to help with some ideas. I am surprised that this scenario has not occurred at school yet anyway.
She cannot go away for any length of time with adults who are responsible for her but do not know this.
I am presuming you have tired all the usual rewards etc..
At 9 she really is at an age where she must become responsible for herself, presuming there are no medical issues.

Somebodysomewhere · 27/02/2013 20:58

Have you thought of seeing a psychologist about it ?

Original poster

bengal38 · 27/02/2013 20:58

How should I go about mentioning it to the Teacher? I don't want her friends to find out (which I know they will) and make fun of her. Last thing I want. She is sharing a room with another 3 girls in there.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 27/02/2013 20:59

Could she 'be bothered about going to the toilet' if it was the deciding factor on whether or not she could go on the residential trip? What if you told her that she has to sort this out, or she won't be going (assuming there is no physical issue)?

Is she not anxious about embarrassing herself in front of friends and/or classmates?

CSIJanner · 27/02/2013 21:00

Have you tried the Eric website? I have a young LO who we've been struggling with for 18months. we'll get there but it's so disheartening especially when youve had a good week and oops! It happens all over again

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 27/02/2013 21:01

OP, my son is 10 and still soils himself. I posted about this recently on here. He too has a residential trip in August which I am very worried about. He seems to do it more during times of stress (often related to his absent father). Can you pinpoint anything like that? We have just been given an appointment to see a paediatrician. Not sure if it will be any help

MajaBiene · 27/02/2013 21:02

You really need to push for more investigation into this - no 9 year old would deliberately choose to wet/soil themselves because they can't be bothered! Either there is some psychological issue here, or there is a physical problem and she is putting a front on by claiming she can't be bothered. Can't believe you have seriously let this go on for so long to be honest.

Smartiepants79 · 27/02/2013 21:02

I teach children her age and I would be horrified and deeply upset if a parent felt that I couldn't be trusted with this information. And to deal with it sensitively.
I can't believe they haven't noticed.

secretofcrickleyhall · 27/02/2013 21:02

I used to do this and if I am honest still struggle from time to time with getting to the toilet on time (very occasionally, I might add )

It must be really difficult for you, and for her too as well. Please do not use it as a stick to beat her with though as suggested by another poster - it's horrible enough as it is. I sustained an injury to that area as a very young child and think that may have been the cause.

With-holding poo is a biggie and I do think referral to a psychologist may help, or a dietician even.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2013 21:03

"Can't mention to the teachers either as it is really embarrassing."
Well, if she does soil herself and you haven't raised it with them, they're going to think it's not normal for your daughter and get really worried etc. WHen they find out it is normal, they're going to feel a bit pissed off with you that you didn't have the courtesy to tell them. Embarrassment is really not a good reason, is it?

TBH I'd be reluctant to let my child go on a residential trip under these circumstances. I'd be unwilling to subject the staff to dealing with it, and possibly opening up the DC to ridicule from the rest of the children.

NomDeOrdinateur · 27/02/2013 21:05

I really doubt that "can't be bothered" is the truth, OP - at her age, it's much more likely that there is an underlying problem (either psychological or physical) which she isn't mature enough to articulate or admit to. There's a fantastic thread on this site somewhere about a woman whose daughter was roughly the same age as yours, had the same issue (right down to residential trip), and also claimed that she didn't care - it turned out that the poor girl was suffering from faecal impaction so she couldn't feel when she needed to go but also couldn't bear to confront the problem, so she just lived in denial while really suffering inside. I'm crap at searching, but maybe this will trigger a memory for somebody?

NatashaBee · 27/02/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedPencils · 27/02/2013 21:08

Of course you can tell the teacher, they need to know. There won't be any gossiping with the other kids.

Smartiepants79 · 27/02/2013 21:08

Go into school and ask for a meeting with her teachers. Explain, honestly, what is going on. Emphasise your desire for this to be kept as private as possible. They should NOT share this info with anyone except the staff that need to know to deal with her. They will have dealt with many situations that are similar.
I understand your concerns about her embarrassment but could this not be the push she needs to use the toilet.
Does she get embarrassed?

Fairypants · 27/02/2013 21:08

It really sounds like this is worth pursuing with the dr. My friends dd was wetting at 5 and eventually found (after much hassling of drs) that she had a form of epilepsy where she was just absent for a minute but didn't fall or fit.
I really think that at 9, there is enough social pressure that being lazy isn't enough reason, she could just be trying to brazen it out?
All you can do with school is ask for a private meeting with the teacher to tell them but they won't be able to stop to other kids from finding out-assuming they don't already know.
I do hope she is ok, it must be a very difficult issue for you both.

Original poster

bengal38 · 27/02/2013 21:09

To MajaBiene
If you re-read my post I have said that I have taken her to the Drs recently and a few times in the past and they have said there is no problem and that it is probably just laziness.

OP posts:

xigris · 27/02/2013 21:09

How often does she do this? I think that she needs more investigation into this. Maybe you should ask your GP for a paediatric referral as this is not normal behaviour at the age of 9. I wonder if there is a physiological rather than psychological cause (although of course may be wrong!) Did she used to get constipated as a child? My friend's DD (age 6) also soils but has no problems with weeing; as a younger child she used to get horribly constipated which resulted in her rectum becoming very distended. She then had very little control over her bowels and at times was faecally incontinent. She's now improving rapidly under the care of a paediatrician. Children can be very cruel, if any of them find out about this they may make her life a misery. If the trip's not until June then hopefully there's time for something to be done. Do not be fobbed off by your GP!

Somebodysomewhere · 27/02/2013 21:10

Have you told your DD that her friends might tease her ? Is she worried about this at all ? I remember the thread Nom is talking about too but dont know where it is.

gordyslovesheep · 27/02/2013 21:11

No medical reason maybe but that doesn't mean there is no problem - I would certainly be looking at psychological reasons and asking for referral or support

PennyBrowne · 27/02/2013 21:11

Inform a member of staff going on the trip, and also see a GP and maybe talk to DD about any issues or worries which may be concerning her?

cory · 27/02/2013 21:11

Dd was incontinent (and under medical care for it) when she went on her residential aged 10. We told the school and sent incontinence pads with her. I'd have thought it a bit off if they couldn't deal with such a minor case of SN tbh.

Any particular reasons that you are so sure that her friends would bully her if they knew? It never happened to dd.

In dd's case her incontinence was caused by hypotonia. In a friend's ds it was faecal impaction.

cory · 27/02/2013 21:13

Was the doctor who saw you a specialist or just a GP?

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