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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a patronising tosser?

188 replies

Mawgatron · 21/02/2013 07:43

I'm pregnant and on half term. I have always had a sweet tooth, but not excessively. I've always hd a healthy weight, way within normal bmi, eat regular, home cooked healthy meals etc

On Monday, popped into school to pick some stuff up. Immediately he starts rummaging in my classroom for sweets. Found a single double decker that had been sitting there for a fortnight.

Yesterday, a friend came over to watch movies for the day. She bought pic n mix which we barely touched, and had a can of lilt with lunch (which I probably have once each school holiday.) he had a massive go at me last night, then apologised.

This morning, he has printed off 20 pages of bullshit from 'the natural pregnancy website' about how horrendous sugar is, and left them where he knew I would sit and drink my tea in the morning.

Aibu to wish he would piss off? I know he is trying to look out for me but he is really winding me up...

OP posts:
Spero · 21/02/2013 09:49

She either doesn't know that you consider 'fucktard' offensive or doesn't care as she has used it. So I am not sure what you hope to achieve by that mildly passive aggressive comment.

Olpol · 21/02/2013 09:52

Article from new scientist magazine Pregnant women who eat chocolate have happier babies

ovenchips · 21/02/2013 09:52

I'm not being passive aggressive. I'm asking a question.

It's not in my personal lexicon of offensive words, it just is an offensive word and didn't think it would be used or allowed on Mumsnet.

Dannilion · 21/02/2013 09:55

Wow, what a bully.

I'm not even going to tell you how DD is mainly composed of ice lollies and milkshakes and how my pregnancy is just fine blah blah. I'm going to tell you that unless this is a 1 off and completely out of character, your DH sounds like a nasty piece of work and very intimidating. God forbid you ever have a daughter and she believes this is the norm in a marriage.

Ergh, this thread makes me shudder.

Spero · 21/02/2013 09:55

But it's a bit of a useless question? Why not explain why it is so offensive - she obviously doesn't know or doesn't care as she has used it.

But of all the worrying things going on here, I think pulling her up over one word is the least interesting thing. What is more worrying - a least to me - is the number of people (including the op) who seem t find him funny.

I see enormous potential for serious escalating abusive behaviour, particuarly when there is a real life baby in the mix, a potential knackered and emotionally fragile mother and a bullying insenstive dick strutting around like the big I Am.

ScrambledSmegs · 21/02/2013 09:59

You should tell him that he's absolutely right, you're going to give up sugar. And replace it with alcohol with crystal meth chasers.

Goldmandra · 21/02/2013 10:00

What would have happened if he had found a large stash of chocolate in your classroom? Many women who live with this sort of controlling behaviour would have done exactly that. Would he have started coming in every day to confiscate it all? Perhaps he would expect your boss to control your behaviour in work on his behalf? He does sound that unreasonable.

He sounds very anxious and perhaps a bit obsessive. Does he have mental health problems or a currently controlled eating disorder?

Why can't he trust you? If you had a carrier bag full of chocolate in your classroom would he automatically assume you were scoffing it by the handful
every break time? Does he not think you care about the baby too?

Will he be checking up on you once the baby has arrived? Looking in the bin for jars or checking how many nappy changes you've done? Has he decided how long you will be breastfeeding and what you will eat while doing this too?

Unless there was a big jokey element to this behaviour (which I doubt) you need to get a handle on this before the baby arrives. Can you get him to talk through his fears with his GP? I think he lives in a bit of a scary world and perhaps needs some help to get this in proportion. Not because I think you are a serious risk of harm but because he can't be very happy if he feels such a strong need for control.

ScrambledSmegs · 21/02/2013 10:02

Do be aware, OP, that LTB isn't just a joke on MN. You don't need to always be fighting your corner. Sometimes it really is better for you and your DC to walk away.

Thanks
Contradictionincarnate · 21/02/2013 10:03

how pregnant are you? second trimester I couldn't get enough sugar! most peeps I know started eating a mars or snikers a day. can't believe he hasn't discussed it with you as an adult to hear your side that is what would make me angry!

Spero · 21/02/2013 10:03

What worries me is that the op thinks 'patronising tosser' is the right descriptive of someone who

  • has long history of unacceptable behaviour
-came into her place of work and started searching it
  • had a 'massive go' at her for daring to have a friend round with some pick and mix
  • then printed out her 'instruction manual' with no attempt at discussion or what they could BOTH do to support each other.

This goes way beyond either 'patronising' or 'tossers'

pictish · 21/02/2013 10:06

I agree Spero .

My Grin was a wry one at knowing he will dismiss the opinions of all us stoopid wimmin who have actual experience of being pregnant, in the face of his suprior knowledge of the subject.

It's not actually funny at all. Him 'checking' her classroom made me wince, all truth be told.

He sounds like a lifetime of misery waiting to happen. Despite her gung ho attitude (which is brilliant) I am worried for the OP being married to and having a child to such a fucking bully. I too think it will only escalate, now that she is pg with his child. His sense of ownership will be solidified. It is already.

Only a controlling arsehole would feel entitled to search his wife's workplace like that. As though she were a child, and he the all knowing big daddy. What a pig.

mrsjay · 21/02/2013 10:06

buy your self the hugest creamiest cake you can find and plant your face in it Grin your husband is being a twat and a little controlling tbh it was a sweeties not herion.

INeedThatForkOff · 21/02/2013 10:09

Well I will say that if my DH had searched my classroom for sugary contraband, he wouldn't have found any ... because I'd have scoffed the lot. Not that he'd be in my classroom, let alone searching, it anyway. My work is my domain and has fuck all to do with him. Ditto my diet.

What a prick.

ovenchips · 21/02/2013 10:09

Spero, I agree with the points you make and agree it is worrying. As my original post.

But I don't agree with ignoring use of genuinely offensive terms even when the OP is describing a serious problem.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 21/02/2013 10:10

Oh love - I do wish you'd posted on relationships before you got pregnant to this controlling bully :(

He will get worse as he clearly sees you as an incubator for his son & has shown how little he thinks of you.

It's not too late to leave you know. There's no way I'd put up with someone with his controlling issues - no way.

When you need to, namechange (so he doesn't know who you are) and post in relationships - we'll all be there for you.

What support do you have - friends/family?

badguider · 21/02/2013 10:11

I think you should buy and secrete huge amounts of sweets and junk food around the house (with no intention of eating it) - put it in every cupboard and drawer... see how wound up he gets before he decides to shut the fuck up.

I assume he's a natural-food evangelical all the time and with everybody not just you and pregnancy... if he is then fair enough to some extent and all you can do is ignore ignore ignore, if he's not like this with other people and it's just you he tries to control then it's more worrying.

Goldmandra · 21/02/2013 10:11

Can I just qualify my last line?

"I don't think you are at risk of serious harm at the moment.."

He is showing a serious lack of respect for you and your right to make decisions for yourself. It isn't a big step from that to full blown emotional abuse.

pictish · 21/02/2013 10:12

ovenchips whether you agree with it or not, is of no matter. No one cares what you think of the term fucktard. It's the OP's thread, and the OP's call. It's certainly not the crux of this matter is it?

simplesusan · 21/02/2013 10:15

He is being a dick.

Make sure you stay in contact with friends and family throughout your pregnancy and afterwards.

purrpurr · 21/02/2013 10:30

pictish 'He sounds like a lifetime of misery waiting to happen.' 100% agreed.

Whocansay · 21/02/2013 10:30

Tell him he can't have an opinion until he grows a uterus.

Then ask him if he got his medical qualifications from the University of Controlling Wankers.

Stress will do your baby far more harm than a bit of sugar. Hope you're OK, OP.

worldgonecrazy · 21/02/2013 10:31

I've just read the article, it goes on about the hazards of sugar, and then goes on, in the last paragraph, to say that actually sugar is okay as long as it's organic and unrefined. It seems it is written by someone who has no understanding of what sugars are or how they behave once consumed. The body does not recognise the difference between white refined sugar, or the sugars contained in a glass of fruit juice, or an "organic chocolate bar". It's all sugar.

But he's still a controlling man and his behaviour will only escalate if you and he don't recognise the behaviour for what it is and do something about it.

Spero · 21/02/2013 10:32

I agree, I really admire the op's gung attitude - BUT and I speak from bitter experience here, being a ballsy game kinda chick means absolutely fuck all when you come home with a new born, you are absolutely terrified and TIRED and instead of cuddles and a kindly word you get shouted at for not having washed the baby's bedding before you went into hospital for THREE days for a C section.

If he had wanted the fucking brand new sheets etc washed he could have done it himself in THREE days. This kind of thing carried on. It took me THREE years to get my mojo back and tell him to get lost. God knows what kind of damage has been done to my daughter.

And re offensive words - here's a suggestion. Say something like 'this word is considered offensive by some for the following reasons so you might want to reconsider it for the future' not some snippy question.

The last time I used the word fucktard a few years ago, the mildest form of abuse I got on the thread was 'twat' - nice use of slang word for female genitals to express disapproval there! And not one person took time to explain, I was simply accused of being a complete bitch to any one with SN. I used it then as a word to express the highest form of aggressive wanker. I certainly did not wish to hurt anyone with SN or anyone with SN child. And it was not the most constructive of exchanges, to put it mildly.

NicknameTaken · 21/02/2013 10:33

Red flag alert. My ex tried to stop me breastfeeding because he thought I wasn't doing it right (DD's steady weight gain didn't count as evidence for him). According to him, I've never done anything right - haven't washed her right, fed her right, looked after her hair right, ever done anything right ever.

Five years on and we're divorced and he now writes long letters to social services and the courts about everything I'm failing to do right. He is very bitter because he has never found anyone in authority who agrees with him.

Strangemagic · 21/02/2013 10:45

He is an idiot,when he can give birth then he can comment.Sadly OP I think things are only going to get worse,he's going to be on your case about how you feed and when you feed and what you feed.

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