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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

195 replies

BlessedDespair · 18/02/2013 11:59

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 18/02/2013 20:25

You are protecting yourself and your child. Doing what is necessary. YANBU!!

It will not be an easy road to go down but I wish you all the luck in the world.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream · 18/02/2013 20:26

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but I've been thinking about reeva steenkampf all day, her last moments running into a bathroom in fear, in the hope that she could escape and wait out the rage in relative safety behind a closed locked door Sad because my x used to chase me in a rage and i would lock myself in the bathroom. Twice he kicked down the door to get at me. He was so angry. I tried to ring the police and he put my mobile into the toilet. The next day he calmly reattached the door. Like it was a normal diy job.

Alwaysasking · 18/02/2013 21:31

AThingInYourLife my mother planned a baby (me) with this man (my dad) so wasn't blameless, why plan a baby with an alcoholic you'd known for 3 months? I have seen threads on here in which a man speaks of his controlling ex and everyone is quick to ask "why did you have a baby with her then?".

In my situation, not only did my mother refuse me the right to know who my father was but then went on to another abusive relationship with my step dad who was violent to us both and emotionally abusive, yet is still with him to this day.

What if her ex found out in a month, 6 months or 6 years? Based on what's been said, I'd be pretty concerned about an abusive man discovering he'd been lied to about something so important, this is not without risk. Op is living in the same town, with a few mutual friends, he may decide to look into it when he see's a pregnant op/baby anyway just to shit stir. I think op should go through the correct legal channels and do things properly, surely it's a life of looking over your shoulder anyway worrying he'll find out. If op deals with everything now, gets legal advice before telling him etc, she can relax and enjoy baby once it arrives.

Mia4 · 18/02/2013 21:36

If he was just a bit of a user and loser I'd say YWBU OP but abuse takes things to a whole different level. You need to do what's best for you and given he's prone to abuse and controlling you, stay the hell away. Abuse and controlling behavior tends to get much much worse during pregnancy; combing his guilting, manipulations and pressing with your own uncertainty, worry and hormones would be a terrible combination. You are very, very vulnerable- not to say you weren't before but now you are more so.

Distance yourself as much as possible, ignore him and keep things off social networks. The whole diary thing others have suggested s a good idea to get your thoughts down for yourself anyway and then when your child is much much older you can chose and they can ask whether to share all the ins and outs of how you feel. Writing can also be very therapeutic.

Lottikins · 18/02/2013 22:01

dayshiftdoris but the child is 9! a babe! Of course she hasn't thought of tracing her dad yet, but as she gets older, enters her teens and adulthood ,that is teh time she'll start wanting to know who she is , and want to find out who her father is

SolidGoldBrass · 18/02/2013 22:02

YANBU at all, your priority is the baby and you: the man has no rights and doesn't matter, because he's an arsehole. Children are far better off with no father than with an abusive one on the scene.
I agree that your DC will need and want to know about a father as s/he grows up, but a gentle version of the truth will be fine - the only thing that might cause problems would be telling an outright lie eg that a new partner you subsequently have is 'daddy' when this isn't so.
I would also advise a chat with WA about how to protect yourself against this man if he finds out. He has no right whatsoever to contact with you, and if there is evidence of violence or aggressive behaviour you would be able to stonewall and block and delay contact for a good long time in the courts; insist on it being supervised and third party handovers etc.

Lottikins · 18/02/2013 22:07

I am confused.The OP hasn't been physically abused How can he emotionally abuse the Op if she blocks all contact with him? How will he evn get access to the child when they are not even living together when it is born, they are not married, his name is not on the birth certificate? there is nothing to prove that the baby is his

Morloth · 18/02/2013 22:13

IMO an 'OK' dad is better than no dad.

But no dad is better than an abusive one.

Do whatever you think is best for the baby.

Inertia · 18/02/2013 22:19

Yanbu.

I would seriously consider adjusting the due date you tell everyone by a month or so.

The right of your child to grow up in a home free of abuse and intimidation absolutely trumps any right this man might have.

ReindeerBollocks · 18/02/2013 22:23

Do the best for the baby. Only you can decide whether this man would be a good father or an abusive one.

I would also say that an absent father is the preferred option to an abusive one.

Good luck

ReindeerBollocks · 18/02/2013 22:24

x posts with Morloth

Alwaysasking · 18/02/2013 22:24

What if the ex goes mad because he thinks she's slept with someone else? The situation isn't just going to go away because she hasn't told him he's the dad. One way or another the op is going to be dealing with the repercussions of this for the rest of her life, the sooner it all gets sorted out in the correct legal ways the better.

MariusEarlobe · 18/02/2013 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyJanesBabySister · 18/02/2013 22:30

my mother planned a baby (me) with this man (my dad) so wasn't blameless

Well in that case she deserved to get the shit kicked out of her, its so obvious when you put it like that!

FFS!! I dont know why she is still with your stepfather, fear probably. He probably wasnt like that when they got together and it escalated over the years as these things do. But saying that because she chose to have a baby with a man she barely knew means she is partly to blame for her abuse is utterly appalling. Hero worship your wife battering father if you like, but dont suggest that there is any way in which a domestic abuse victim is to blame.

Lottie if she tells him about the baby then he wont have been blocked from contact will he? As soon as he knows then he can legitimately go to court for access and that is when the controlling and abusive behaviour will start.

BabyJanesBabySister · 18/02/2013 22:33

And incidentally Always why is your father any better than your stepfather? They both did the same things to your mother in fact, what you have written suggests that your father was worse if she kicked him out but didnt kick out your step father. That could be another reason she is still with him. Abused women have a skewed view of what is ok in a relationship and some think that because man B doesnt kick the shit out of them as much as Man A did then he is a better husband, when they are both shit just one slightly worse than the other.

perplexedpirate · 18/02/2013 22:37

YANBU. Don't tell him.
Also, don't assume that all children have this desperate need to know their 'real' parents.
I don't know my dad, and really could not care less about him. You don't miss what you've never had.

Alwaysasking · 18/02/2013 22:42

Where did I say she's to blame for her abuse??! She isn't blameless in the fact that I have grown up without a father, they both planned me despite their situation and I paid the price ultimately, as I had a shit dad who died without me ever having the chance to meet him. I feel angry with them both for bringing me into such a shit situation, my dad for being abusive and my mum for planning a child with him.

And she stays with my step dad for financial reasons, she can't afford to leave apparently. She has watched this man smack me over the head with a plastic box that shattered, hit me and making my ear bleed, pushing me into a bath - I took the brunt of it. He hit my mum once. Please don't assume to know anything about my situation, and focus on the op.

Alwaysasking · 18/02/2013 22:44

Btw when I say in that I grew up without a father I'm not suggesting she should have stayed with him - rather they shouldn't have planned me in the first place.

Thumbwitch · 18/02/2013 22:44

Alwaysasking - you're reading things that aren't there. The OP lives in a different town to the ex and they have very few friends in common.

Lottikins - this from the OP:
"BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 13:23:01
My child will know they have a father but if my ex found out he would be camped outside my house demanding that we get back together and would make life hell until I chose to do as he says."

There is also the point that he can go through the courts to force access and as he is a controlling shit, he could abscond with the child, or refuse to bring it back when he's supposed to - there are threads on here all the time about controlling fuckwit exes still making people's lives hell through their contact with their DC. To say nothing of the misery of the DC themselves when they are court-ordered to see the wankers!

whateveritakes · 18/02/2013 22:45

Can't understand why not telling the father equates to not telling the child. Of course you can do one and not the other.

There are loads of ways in which Op/Op's child could find her father in the future.

Doesn't sound like this man is an asset and there is nothing to say he would be involved in a positive way in his child's life.

SirBoobAlot · 18/02/2013 22:45

YANBU. Not at all. He's not a dad, he's an abusive prick.

Take care of yourself and your baby.

TheChaoGoesMu · 18/02/2013 22:51

I wouldn't tell op. but you would have to tell no one at all, just in case.

NomNomDePlumPudding · 18/02/2013 22:52

don't even think of telling him. you can tell your child about him as you deem it appropriate, until then, spare both of you the upset.

Lafaminute · 18/02/2013 22:58

DH is adopted - he has no idea of his biological background. This is something he has had to make peace with and so he has done. This happens. I also know someone who was too drunk to remember which guy she slept with when she became pregnant (nice!) so these things happen. Not ideal but nor is it the end of the world.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/02/2013 23:00

Correct legal way?

Just going by the legal way. Its all down to the absent parent to chase contact nothing at all is down to the rp until such time as a request has been made.

Its perfectly legal for a unmarried mother to not disclose any thing about a pregnancy to anybody,it is also perfectly legal to refuse to name a father. There is no legal obligation to inform or to do anything involving the other parent.

And a father who is not named on a birth certificate has no responsibilities towards a child.(certainly last year fathers name section was left blank as opposed to unknown for those who are interested)

So thats a perfectly correct legal way.

The legal way that involves arranging things with regard to orders ect is only relevant if both parties know of the existence of a biological child and the absent parent desires contact.

op if your of an age where by you could legitimately say biological clock is ticking loudly you could have used a sperm donation clinic and got lucky first time. Its a good rumour to start.

If anybody that's likely to repeat anything to The ex just knock a few weeks off how far along you are,if asked directly about him being the dad by anybody at all just say of course not.

Avoid places he hangs out,and don't post anything on fb unless its in several months and its a status that says "wow xyz clinic is brilliant donation worked first time".