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AIBU?

To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

195 replies

BlessedDespair · 18/02/2013 11:59

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

OP posts:

Report

TheFallenMadonna · 18/02/2013 23:04

I don't know my biological father, and am thankful for it, as my mum married a fab man who adopted me, and I have a younger brother and sister.

My mum did however keep his details, so far as she knew them, but I never wanted them.

Inertia · 19/02/2013 08:25

Not sure that it's a good idea to go down the road of naming sperm donor clinics TBH - too public. Think I'd be inclined to go down the road of the father being a man you were with a short while , didn't get to the stage of introducing him to people, he did a runner when you found you were pregnant.

Goldmandra · 19/02/2013 08:33

Say nothing because it is nobody's business but your own.

diaimchlo · 19/02/2013 08:59

What a nightmare position you are in OP and I believe YANBU in not wanting to share the news of your pregnancy with him based on his abusive behaviour.

In an ideal world not telling the father would be the correct decision, but after a lifetime of risk assessing I think there is one issue that I don't think has been brought forward that is in the interest of the safety of your unborn child. God forbid that your DC will develop a medical condition that requires your ex's or a member of his immediate family's physical input to ensure recovery. It may be a difficult situation if in a few years down the line you all of a sudden announce to him that he has a child that requires his input.

I wish you all the best xx

Lottikins · 19/02/2013 09:38

From a practical point of view- have you anyo mutual friends/aquaintances?Are you planning on moving to a new area?
I just think ,aside from the moral duty to tell him, he is going to be furious down the road to find out he has a DC you never told him about, and you are going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder

Goldmandra · 19/02/2013 09:52

you are going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder

Crikey Lottikins! Don't you think she's doing that already?

Telling people who have been in a abusive relationship that they should still run their life around not making the abuser angry is tantamount to saying they are responsible for the abuse.

The OP needs to make the right decision for her baby and shouldn't be scared into doing something which sentences her and the child to further abuse.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/02/2013 10:19

THere is also plenty of time before the child will ask questions, so the OP's best option is to get on with her life, avoid contact with this man (she can block him to the point of taking out a non-molestation order if necessary to prevent him contacting her in any way). As to 'needing to know your bio-parents', this isn't necessary. I was adopted as a baby, have never traced my bio-family and it simply isn't a big deal (I am nearly 50). Some people get all whiny-arse about their 'roots' but it's only a problem if you make it one.

As I said, OP, take advice from Women's Aid on protecting yourself legally from this man, enjoy your pregnancy and best of luck.

Lottikins · 19/02/2013 11:53

Ok well I'm bowing out now,I don't know why she bothered asking when she had already decided.
But just to say I think what she is doing is fundamentally very very wrong and is going to come back to bite her on the bum bigtime!

BlessedDespair · 19/02/2013 12:52

Lottikins I posted as I was unsure but yes I've decided not to inform him. Not sure why you think that's wrong?

Is my and my childs right to a safe and happy life somehow less than his right to control every aspect of both our lives? As that is what will happen if he knows for sure that my child is also his. He's very good at making you believe that he knows best and that you are nothing more than a wayward child in need of guidance or a trip over his knee to make his point clear. Mutual friends don't know why I left him as 'we seemed to be such a good couple'. Yes because you were carefully selected and approved friends. My real friends see him for what he is and support my decision.

My child will know who their father is and how to find him so they will not be denied the opportunity. If they do choose to meet him, knowing the reasons why we split then I will support their decision and help them as much as possible. Hopefully they won't have too many issues relating to not knowing their bio father and will understand why I have made the decisions I have.

To all those offering congratulations and words of advice - Thank you it's nice to know that I'm not quite so alone :)

OP posts:

Sugarice · 19/02/2013 13:00

You've made the right decision Blessed.

HerrenaHarridan · 19/02/2013 13:04

Hi op,
As a daughter who has father unknown on her birth certificate...
as a daughter who has to this day never seen a picture of her dad never mind spoken to him...
As a daughter who will never know her biological dad...

I would like to say to you

Under no circumstances should you lie to your child, the truth in increments will suffice.

There were many times in my childhood I cried for the daddy I didn't have. I would have given anything to know him

As an adult I have no desire to contact him at all, anyone who could treat my mum like that has no part in my life. I am not even slightly screwed up (about that )

As a woman and fellow dv sufferer I say only you know for sure.

If you do decide to keep this to yourself please write a will stating a guardian and enclose for them a letter with everything you know about xp so that if your dc want to go looking they can, even if something unexpected happens to you.

See you in lone parents section

HerrenaHarridan · 19/02/2013 13:12

Wtf is with people " don't know what she bothered asking meh meh meh meh meh"

Just because your argument was not convincing enough to sway her doesn't mean she shouldn't of asked.
She made in clear on the op that she had decided what to do and was wanting to be sure.
I think she listened very reasonably.

It really bugs me when people do that

Sorry to hijack your thread with a rant op. just listen to your heart, you clearly already know the answer!

LittleEdie · 19/02/2013 13:17

YANBU

CountTurdula · 19/02/2013 13:37

Why does your need to know your father trump your mums need to be safe? I am actually gob smacked that you think that her being physically assaulted is less important than you wanting to know the prick that did it!

^This^

The safety of the mum and her baby are the priority imo. Fuck him.

Goldmandra · 19/02/2013 16:21

The OP asked because she needed to hear different experiences and opinions in order to help her see all sides and make a reasonable, balanced decision. IMO it was a good idea, she listened and has made the best decision she can for her child based on what she read on here plus a hell of a lot more experience and information than she could possibly share on this thread.

MN isn't about being told what to do. It's about asking and listening to people who can sometimes help you see things from a different perspective.

Most people who have personal experience of an abusive relationship think she has made the right decision. Having, myself, cared for a 4 week old baby who had multiple fractures from being thrown across the room by a man who sounds very like the OP's ex, I too think she has probably made the right decision.

I very much hope that in the future her child will understand and agree with her.

McNewPants2013 · 19/02/2013 17:19

You sound very sensible good luck with the future and wish you all the best with the pregnancy.

I think you are a very brave women

Thumbwitch · 19/02/2013 19:15

Oh Gold, that's awful! :( and - hope the baby was ok in the end? Shocking that anyone could do that to such a tiny helpless little baby, urgh.

Thumbwitch · 19/02/2013 19:17

Blesseddespair - good call. And I hope you can come up with a decent cover story for when your family start wanting to know what happened, because they will be unlikely to accept "I'm not telling you" and just keep pushing.
and for you - hope you enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations!

Goldmandra · 19/02/2013 19:19

It was horrible at the time but he doesn't remember it and seems none the worse for the experience. He has not seen his father again.

perplexedpirate · 21/02/2013 11:47

Good for you OP, and congratulation on your pregnancy.

Flip

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