To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

[BlessedDespair]

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

[Granitetopping]

YANBU

Parents and Grandparents do not have rights. They have responsibilities.

OP, your responsibility is to to keep you and your child safe. Do not tell this man you are pregnant. It will not end well.

[Scootee]

Yanbu
But make sure you are careful. Don't have a Facebook account, make sure there is nothing google-able about you. Hopefully you have a common name so there are lots of people with the same name, be extra careful if you have an unusual name or surname.
I fully agree with not informing an abuser they have a child but you do need to tell your child the truth - the entire truth when they are old enough/adult and a skeleton of the truth before that. Do keep a written record of what he's done so you can do this.
People vary re whether they have a need to know where they came from. You can't tell how your child will feel so keep as much info as you can. My BIL has a bastard for a father (not my fil) and he has zero interest in the man who abandoned his mother and him when he was not yet born. However, some people are tormented by the not knowing and need to know even if it is bad shit.

[Remotecontrolduck]

I rarely say this as I feel fathers often get a really shit time in situations where the parents aren't together, but YANBU. Even if your child is upset and 'damaged' from not knowing their father, I don't think it would be as bad as the damage an abusive twat like that could inflict on them.

It really does sound like a good idea to keep this one to yourself until your child is old enough to understand. I'm sure they'll be thankful for you keeping an abuser out of their life.

[mrsbunnylove]

don't tell him but brace yourself for your child wanting to know, one day.

[AThingInYourLife]

"Surely if this guy is abusive to the child, social services, the police etc would be involved? It would not be allowed to happen?"



Don't you ever read the news?

Do you genuinely think no children are ever harmed by abusive parents because the police and social services don't allow it?



Seriously, you want a pregnant woman to put herself at risk?

On the basis of your willingness to hero-worship the man who beat your mother when she was pregnant with you?

He basically tried to kill you before you were born.

Your poor mother was trying to protect you.

[Follyfoot]

Just to clarify a comment on page 1 - Bertie, I was replying to HappyMummyOfOne who said that the baby's birth certificate would have 'unknown' on it by the father's name, which it wont as the shortened certificates dont have that info on them.

My DD has no contact with her father, although she did until she was 4 years old when he was arrested for DV (she is now at Uni). She cant really remember him. Am proud to say that she has grown up into a well adjusted adult who, although she occasionally has questions about her Father, she feels no desire to have him in her life. It has been tough having to answer some difficult questions, but children deserve - gentle - honesty.

[pashapasta]

I'm going to put my head in the lion's mouth here. DH doesn't know who his father is, says unknown on his birth. Certificate. It is causing him so much distress, its been on his mind for years but now his mum has died and he can't ask her. Since DS was born and he knows how much it is possible to be loved as a child, he can't bear the fact that his father didn't love him or didn't have the chance to love him. He accepts that his dad may have been abusive but he just wants / needs to know. So OP, I don't know if YABU but I know what my DH would want.

[pashapasta]

I'm going to put my head in the lion's mouth here. DH doesn't know who his father is, says unknown on his birth. Certificate. It is causing him so much distress, its been on his mind for years but now his mum has died and he can't ask her. Since DS was born and he knows how much it is possible to be loved as a child, he can't bear the fact that his father didn't love him or didn't have the chance to love him. He accepts that his dad may have been abusive but he just wants / needs to know. So OP, I don't know if YABU but I know what my DH would want.

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

I do believe that father's have a right to know, but if it were me in your place my ideals would go out the window and there would be no way I would tell him. I would also move if possible, even to a nearby town.

[McNewPants2013]

I question why an adult wouldn't belive his or her own mother when she said she had been abused.

I will belive anything my parents say, because I have never had a reason to question why they had lied to me because they never have ( apart from fictional characters like Santa)

[HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream]

Rights come out of responsibilities that have been adequately met. A man who has been manipulative an abusive to a woman forfeits his rights. The complicated issue is that the child will one day have a right to know who its father is.

[HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream]

Re "father unknown" do they still put that in the uk. In my country they put "not named"

[Lottikins]

Of course the man has a right to know he's a father, and the child a right to know who their father is.
How can he insist you get back together? You just say you are not interested.

[Wewereherefirst]

YADNBU. The safety of you and your child is paramount OP, you could not risk going back with this man or having him abuse you or your child when you have come so far.

Have you spoken to your family about this? Are they supportive of this?

Take care and stay strong.

[Wewereherefirst]

Lottikins An abusive person would not take that answer. Be thankful you have never had to deal with an abusive arsehole who would do anything to get their own way.

And bollocks to rights, he has NO rights at all. People seem to have rights and responsibilities confused. An abusive person is not one to be responsible.

[McNewPants2013]

Lottikins have you got any idea how an abusive relationship is like, I have no personal experience but supporting a friend through it. Thank god she never had children with him.

I will ask you what is more important this man right to know v the child right to a safe loving happy childhood.

I suggest you educate your self on DV and come back to this thread

[MelonCauliflower]

YADNBU. I'd say your child had more of a right to be free from abuse (and I include having his mother abused in this) than your ex does to know about your DC.

[HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream]

Yes WeWereHere, if he were reasonable, the OP wouldn't be in this situation. It's frustrating but I think people who've no experience of this type of character find it hard to believe that you can't all sit down have a pot of tea and through reason and listening reach a compromise.

[Lottikins]

But how is it going to be better when your ex eventually finds out?
I can't see anything ain the OPs post about him being violent, but I am prepared to stand corrected if I have missed it.

[Lottikins]

Presumably if she is not married to him and his name isn't on the birth certificate , he will have no right to any contact with the child?

[McNewPants2013]

Do you know what emotional abuse is? An abusive relationship is not always physical.

[dayshiftdoris]

My friend was in exactly the same situation... she never said a word and he has assumed the child isnt his... she's hugely relieved...

As for the child... happy, well adjusted 9yr old who know 'her story' and thinks it's very boring thank you very much. She has a little brother and decided to call his dad 'Dad'.... Mum and 'Dad' did resist this as they wanted her to very clear on her roots but she was adament, as far as she is concerned she has a father who made her what she is and a 'dad' to have at home.

It's not ideal, it's not what we set out for in life but it can be ok.

I echo what others say though - protect yourself... go to women's aid and make sure you have security on your home.

PS I am also a single mum since pregnancy and mine lad is pretty much ok with it too

[McNewPants2013]

Regardless if he is or isn't on the birth certificate he can go to court and 9/10 a father will get access.