To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

[BlessedDespair]

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I had years of forced contact with abusive fuckwit dad until the courts wised up and forbade access.
All those "have the right to know" posters should be extremely careful what they wish for

[aamia]

Protect your child. You can do no more than that. Perhaps they will wish they knew their dad - you KNOW they would be worse off doing so.

[McNewPants2013]

Yanbu you need to protect yourself from this abusive asshole and also protect this child.

If you have any photo of the ex I would make a little book up so when the time does come when he/she asks he/she will have an image.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

And for what its worth.

One of my dc has just come to the end of nearly 13 years enforced contact with a abusive piss poor excuse of a dad, the courts giving him chance after chance.

He now won't see him ever again because not long after Christmas his dad and his dads alkie gf decided to attack actually physiclly attack dc resulting in getting arrested, great parenting beating up your own child because you can't handle him being disabled despite having 13 years to get used to it.


And practicly every day of my life is full up with holding the hands of none abusive parents whilst the abusive absent parent finds legally sanctioned ways to further abuse them in the name of there own 'rights'.

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

I think it's fine not to tell him.

I would write a factual account for you to give to your child when you feel they are old enough - (talk to them too obviously!) Just in case, god forbid, something were to happen to you before you managed to talk to your child about it, the letter could be passed on. Maybe keep it with your will at your lawyers.

I think a lot of kids who don't know anything about a parent will think the worst and "he was abusive" will actually be better than some of the things they've thought of, so I would definitely make sure you've set up something to make sure your child knows what the real story is.

[seaofyou]

YADNBU

This man if a controlling abusive twunt could use this dc as a weapon for the next 18yrs ruining both your lives.

My ex a psychopathic Narc used to physically hurt my ds as a man knows the best way to hurt a mum is to hurt their DC!

Keep your baby safe don't let the same thing happen to your dc be it physical, emotional or any other way:(

[AThingInYourLife]

"The father has a right to know he has a child. The grandparents have a right to know they have a grandchild."

There is no such right.

[seaofyou]

Sock pixie (((hugs))) I know my ds disabled also but police refused to believe what happened because it was going through court for maintenance. Which ex is still on the run from the courts Ds was 3-5yrs at the time and non verbal and could only tell me by headbutting on return from visits:( Ds eventually told me when triggered by seeing a man who looked like the monster at a swimming poool and ds had enough language to express what happened.

[BertieBotts]

What on earth does it matter if she's never seen him abuse a child? She hasn't had a child to see him abuse! Abusive men don't tend to specialise - they will abuse anyone who they feel is inferior to them, adult or child, doesn't make much of a difference. And even if he is a super-special rare breed of man who abuses women but is doting, caring father of the year, no way would I take that chance.

[Alwaysasking]

Surely if this guy is abusive to the child, social services, the police etc would be involved? It would not be allowed to happen? I may be completely ignorant here as luckily I have never been in an abusive relationship but I would have assumed that OP could seek relevant support yet still inform the father.

Hmm this is tough, I'm sitting more on the fence than I was before and it's difficult to remain impartial due to my own experience because all I have to go on is not knowing my (abusive) dad and the issues that left me with.

I also worry about the 'hero-figure' issue, and guess this is what happened in my case, my dad died before I had the chance to meet him and despite knowing of his abusive past I always dream of him actually being misunderstood and a 'good guy' who made a few mistakes. Not saying this is in any way rational but I have nothing to go on really and this is what I did, maybe my way of coping as it's easier to think of him as the monster my mum describes.

I think if I was in your position I'd always be worrying about him finding out anyway, if there is a strong resemblance or due to some medical issue. The amount of times I've been asked "is there any family history of xyz" and I am unable to answer.

Op, you are probably feeling very vulnerable, not only as you are pregnant, but due to just having gotten out of an abusive relationship. I really think you should get professional advice.

[Bogeyface]

I would have assumed that OP could seek relevant support yet still inform the father.

Abuse doesnt always include beatings. He is controlling, he will seek to control the OP through the child, including access and maintenance issues. Dont assume anything in a situation that includes an abusive person, they dont follow the rules and so you cant expect to be able to apply the rules to them.

[Bogeyface]

Surely if this guy is abusive to the child, social services, the police etc would be involved?

Are you really suggesting that the OP risk that? He has already proved he is abusive, so do you honestly think that she should give him even one chance?

You admit that you have no experience of abuse and that you dont want to believe what your mum has said. Just because you dont want to hear it, doesnt mean that it isnt true.

[bigbird80]

YANBU. You have thankfully gotten out of a potentially lifetime of abuse. Keep quiet and enjoy your new life with your LO. You can answer his/her questions as honestly as possible as and when they are asked. The very best of luck x

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Bertie. There is no such thing as a abusive parent who does not also abuse the child.

It is a well known fact that one parent abusing the other has a significant abusive impact on the child no matter what the circumstances of the abusers towards the parent,sometimes its emotional harm rather than physical or sexual but it is always there.

Seaoff, thank you. My dc was quite lucky because he's nearly 14 lord only knows what would have happened if he was a tot,the assault is the end of a long line of shitty behaviour including but not limited to throwing away disability aids, with holding medication, stealing money and valuable items ( that I can do nothin about until dc is an adult as a parent with pr is effectively legally entitled to do what ever they want with the child's property if they have access to it),an attempted kidnap and removal to Thailand, allowing his gf to verbally abuse him as routine.

Dad in court used my job and qualifications against me saying I knew what to say and he wasn't as clever as me so he was disadvantaged by the legal system and it worked! Even tho I was able to show I had never not in 20 years of being a parent ever had simerler issues or tried to cause problems for any of my children's other parent and he had been repeatedly told to obtain legal advice.

[G1nAndT0nic]

It's not that simple. My x was abusive to me for 7 years but I have not one single solitary bit of proof. Well, one photo, but he said 'you did that to yourself'. You can only tell the ss what you can prove really.

[elinorbellowed]

I think you are doing the right thing. Becoming a parent is big enough for now. Congratulations BTW!
You trust your instincts and raise this child alone. You may well meet someone else who will want to adopt your child and be the father figure. (Not that I'm suggesting starting a new relationship yet! Just pointing out that the future is open.) I agree that you shouldn't lie about their dad, just tell the truth gently.
E.g. "Your dad's name is X and he lives in Y. He wasn't very nice to me and I was worried that he would be cruel to you too, so I'm not in touch with him. But I'm not sorry he's your father, because you are the best thing in my life."
My parents were and are together but I know that I trust my mum so completely that if she told me she had decided to cut contact with my dad she would have excellent reasons.
If he lives in a different town, you have a chance of managing this fine, just have a cast-iron story.

[McNewPants2013]

Even if he doesn't directly abuse the child, he will indirectly.

A don't think an abusive upbringing is in the best interest of the child. Anybody who thinks this should have a long hard think about this child who father will EA him/her.

[BertieBotts]

I know, Sock. I was answering a poster on a previous page who stated that the OP had no proof he was abusive towards children :(

[McNewPants2013]

That last sentence came out wrong :- if any body thinks the father should know about the child should have a long think about it

[IneedAsockamnesty]

He cannot just demand a DNA test,and it is against the law to DNA test a child without the mothers consent

[McNewPants2013]

The courts can demand a DNA test, but he will have to convince the judge to order it.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

He would have to have a pretty compelling reason to get into a court in the first place.

I had sex with her awhile ago she's now had a baby but has never indercated that I'm the dad. Would rarely be a good enough reason.

[claudedebussy]

i would not tell. you are doing the right thing.

[McNewPants2013]

I just hope he never finds out