To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

[BlessedDespair]

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

[MimiSam]

If you are not going to tell him, I would seriously consider moving to a new area, if you can. Some babies/children are the spitting image of their fathers and if he (or a member of his family) sees the child it may be obvious that it is his...

[BlessedDespair]

Angel My child will know they have a father but if my ex found out he would be camped outside my house demanding that we get back together and would make life hell until I chose to do as he says.

Shoeme This wasn't a planned pregnancy but still a much wanted one

[Bogeyface]

To those saying he has a right to know.

Does that right trump the OP's right to be safe? Her childs right to be safe? Their to live a life free from abuse?

I cannot believe that anyone would say that she should open themselves up to this abuse just because he has a "right" to know his child. Which is bollocks by the way, he has no rights at all over an unborn child and in law it is a childs right to have a relationship with their parents which is paramount, provided that relationship is in the best interests of the child which in this case is highly unlikely.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

No you not BU, I wouldnt tell, dds father has never been in her life she has grown into a lovely mature woman with no hang ups from his absence. As long as you tell her when she asks and support her to make her own mind up then I see no reason why you need to say anything to him at the moment.

You priority at the moment is for you and your baby.

[Bogeyface]

OP how are you going to make sure that he doesn't find out, or suspect?

If he is as bad as you say then I really would be concerned about his stalking you. Does he know you use MN? Blocking him on FB wouldn't be foolproof. All it takes is one little bit of gossip and you are sunk.

Is moving away an option?

[5Foot5]

I completely understand your reasons for this but I just wondered whether this will cause you any problems financially. If you need to apply for any benefits for your child won't the CSA get involved? (Sorry don't know much about this aspect but I thought there mght be some pressure to disclose his identity)

Also someone said this

He can't be on the birth certificate anyway unless he comes with her to register the birth which I doubt is going to happen.

I don't think that's true is it? Surely one parent has always been able to register. When I had DD the registrar came round to the hospital on certain days of the week so that we could register there without making a special trip to the registry office. I registered her on my own and both DH and I are on the certificate.

[Nancy66]

If he lives near you and you have mutual acquaintances then he is going to find out soon enough.

He may have said you were a 'whore' but I doubt he actually believes that.

If you are adamant he can't know or have contact then I think you will need to leave the area.

[Bogeyface]

You can register both of you if you are married, but if not then both parents must attend.

[aufaniae]

I think you're doing the right thing not to tell him. Men like him are very likely indeed to have a toxic effect on their DCs.

" Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father."

Not if the baby looks like him, and the chances are s/he probably will have some resemblance, especially when very little. If you want him out of your life you do need to leave the area IMO.

[catgirl1976]

What a difficult situation

From the thread title I was ready to tell you YABU but reading your OP I am not sure

I can see both sides, but I lean towards having an abusive father who makes your mother miserable being more harming that not knowing who your father is until you are old enough to understand the situation

Good luck with whatever you decide x

[Thumbwitch]

Bogey is right - if you aren't married then the father must come with you to register the birth for his name to go on the certificate to avoid unscrupulous people putting down random men's names and then going after them for CSA, apparently.

[Bogeyface]

Could you get a "boyfriend"? Maybe a male friend that he doesnt know who could be your cover?

[BertieBotts]

Yes 5foot5 - it's different because you're married. I was assuming OP isn't married to this guy (of course, she hasn't said she isn't.)

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

I really feel for you, OP. You have to choose the lesser of two evils. If you really, hand on heart, believe that this man would have a negative effect on your child's emotional development YANBU to not involve him in his/her life.

I really think you need expert advice from Women's Aid or similar though. You need to break down exactly why you don't want to tell him and make sure it's coming from a genuine concern for your child's welfare and not lingering bad feeling towards him for you (iyswim).

Going purely from what you've said about him, he's not someone I would want within a mile of any my children so I suspect I would choose the same path as you.

[BlessedDespair]

We live in different towns, no one but me knows he's the father and we have very few friends in common so I'm hoping that the chances of him finding out are slim.

Moving away isn't an option since I'd have to give up my job if I was to move out of the area and all my close family are here :(

[yaimee]

I don't think yabu but why would his insistence that you get back together mean that you would do so, or that he would have an increased level of involvement?
I think you should do what you think is best for yourself and your child, after all, only you know what kind of man he is and why you are so worried about his involvement, but make sure you are honest with yourself about your reasons, making life easier now by not confronting the situation may make life in the future much more difficult.

[ariane5]

YANBU at all.

Whilst I can see how it is usually a good idea for children to know who their parents are there are exceptions to this.

If this was purely a case of "I don't want to tell him because of x,y,z (petty reason)" then it would be wrong.HOWEVER, the resons you have stated seem very valid and possibly are just the tip of the iceberg-somebody that controlling could also have other personality traits meaning they are not a good influence around children.

Yes, it is a childs right to know both their parents but I would put the childs right to be and feel safe above that.

[Thumbwitch]

I'd create a solid back story as to how you've got pregnant then, just to be on the safe side - or fudge the dates or something - it's amazing how things like this can travel back to exactly where you don't want them to!

Or interfering "friends" and even family might think like AngelWreaksHavoc and feel he has a "right" to know, and drop you in it because it's their "duty" or some such bollocks.

How far gone are you? can you have an "encounter" that would provide a genuine option?

[Alwaysasking]

I agree with MissyMoo. I never knew my dad and it really messed me up, not knowing where you come from is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and whilst it doesn't always have this effect, it has the potential to be very damaging and painful.

My father was also controlling and was violent to my mother when she was pregnant with me. But he was still my biological dad and I would like the right to have known who he was. No one can predict how the baby would feel when it's older, but it's something to think about.

It won't be easy and I don't mean this in a harsh way but if you are sleeping with somebody you are accepting the 'risk' of becoming pregnant. By telling the father, ensure you are clear from the offset you will not be reconciling, and if you think he is a threat to the dc, utilise the correct legal channels and support networks.

I agree with the poster who said speak to Women's Aid.

[Bogeyface]

I agree that a cast iron story is a must.

[maddening]

If you do it put together info about him - pics, addresses, keepsakes and seal it away till dc is 18 - then they have the chance to find him when they are old enough to make their own mind up.

[Bogeyface]

Always, she isnt stopping her child knowing about its father, she is stopping the father knowing about the child.

Why does your need to know your father trump your mums need to be safe? I am actually gob smacked that you think that her being physically assaulted is less important than you wanting to know the prick that did it!

[WhatsTheBuzz]

sounds like my ex - trust your instincts - yanbu.