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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

195 replies

BlessedDespair · 18/02/2013 11:59

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 18/02/2013 13:56

YANBU

I can't believe people are advising you to put your unborn baby at risk.

Idiots.

acceptableinthe80s · 18/02/2013 13:58

In your situation I'd keep quiet too. Men like that will use a child to punish the mother. I always think no father is better than an abusive one who is likely to cause emotional damage.

SharkSkinThing · 18/02/2013 13:58

You are doing the right thing. Stay safe and good luck. xxx

digerd · 18/02/2013 14:01

5Foot5
Your were married and that is different. A marriage certificate allows the registration by just the wife, as legally assumed that any child she bears is her husband's. Unmarried couples must both be at the registration, if the father not there., then no father's name can be entered.
Whether 'not known ' is entered or just left blank, I,m not sure.

fubbsy · 18/02/2013 14:02

YANBU - only if I were you, I wouldn't want to lie either, just don't tell him anything. If you bump into him, just keep on walking.

fubbsy · 18/02/2013 14:06

If no father is listed on the birth certificate, it doesn't say 'unknown'. It is not left blank either, they put a line through the area for the father's name (presumably to stop it being filled in fraudulently later on).

Whocansay · 18/02/2013 14:21

I agree totally with VenusRising. Your can answer questions honestly when the child is older, but there's no need to inform an abusive ex now.

Shelby2010 · 18/02/2013 14:22

Once you've told him, you can't change your mind, so I would keep quiet for now. You can always consider telling him later on when you are feeling less vulnerable or wait until your baby is old enough to express an interest in him.

rodandtheemu · 18/02/2013 14:28

I some times wish there was a like button on Mn. Mostley wonderfully supportive posts on here - really nice to see.

good luck blessed

quoteunquote · 18/02/2013 14:36

www.experienceproject.com/groups/Dont-Know-My-Father/19901

www.mothering.com/community/t/1320891/i-dont-know-who-my-dad-is

askville.amazon.com/find-biological-father-dont/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=87080406

able2know.org/topic/133498-1

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-murder-and-the-meaning-life/201006/i-never-knew-my-father-did-it-hurt

www.parentingforums.org/showthread.php?t=6816

uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120728101407AAcrfx8

looking

here

If you do manage to pull he wool over his eyes, if he believes you that someone else is the father, or you move and he doesn't find out, unlikly as people do talk, unless you have a way of making sure no one ever knows you had a child.

Your child will want to know at some point who their father is, and then will want to make contact,

the internet is full of people looking for their parents as it does really effect your life if you don't know where you are from,

Over the years I have experienced friends going through years of stress because of these type decisions, both the child and the parents on both sides, it not an easy option and usually ends badly.

Cherriesarelovely · 18/02/2013 14:44

I completely agree with you OP. I would not want to tell in your situation either and can see nothing wrong in telling your child when they are more grown up. My Dds father was not a part of her life for several years (completely different circumstances) and it was fine.

The only thing that is making me very concerned for you is that he might find out and if the child looks very much like him it could be really hard. Wont your family cotton on? Hopefully if they do they will respect your decision.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation, I wish you the very best of luck.

msrisotto · 18/02/2013 14:47

HOW can anyone talk like that to a woman who has just escaped an abusive relationship? She's not suggesting that she lie to her child in the future. It is her decision not to be subjected to this man's abuse and good for her. NO child thrives in an abusive household.

msrisotto · 18/02/2013 14:47

Not directing that to you cherries!

YourHandInMyHand · 18/02/2013 14:54

YANBU I wouldn't tell him either.

I'm a single mum, and am regularly messed about by my ex regarding contact as he likes to be in control, upsetting DS in the process of getting one up on me. Also coming at this from the vantage point of the child with a controlling abusive arsehole for a dad - I wish my mum had picked us kids up and got as far away as possible. I do not have this "man" in my life now as an adult, and my childhood would have been a great sight better without him in it.

Cherriesarelovely · 18/02/2013 15:00

It's ok msrisotto I understand!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 18/02/2013 15:02

Yanbu. In fact, you sound very sensible. Good luck with everything xx

acceptableinthe80s · 18/02/2013 15:02

I don't think the OP is planning not to tell her child who their father is. I'm sure she will answer any questions as they arise, just as I will.
My child's father has chosen not to be in his life, is that somehow better than a mother making the decision?
And just to point out not all children look like their fathers, mine bears no resemblance to his at all and is the spitting image of me.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 18/02/2013 15:10

I still agree with my original post that the op ibu.

There are things that can be put into place where the op does not have contact with the ex but the child can still have contact with the father (supervised if necassery).

I am not suggesting she gets back with her ex and lives in an abusive relationship.

Op has not once said that her ex has been abusive to a child.

The father has a right to know he has a child. The grandparents have a right to know they have a grandchild. The child has the right to get to know her father and extended family.

I speak as a person who did not meet my father till I was in my late twenties as thats what my mother decided was best for me, I grew up thinking another man (her husband) was my real father. This may have seemed a good idea to my mother but in my eyes it was very selfish of her. I now have zero contact with my mother and a lot of contact with my dad, his dw and my half siblings.

I am obviously in the minority on this thread but I stick with what I said.

JackieTheFart · 18/02/2013 15:10

YANBU.

I am lucky to have never been in an abusive relationship, but I'd like to think that if I had, and found myself in the same situation as you, I would be able to put my child first and protect them.

I understand how devastating it must be growing up not knowing your father - but really I'd think it's probably just as if not more devastating growing up with an abusive man in your life?

CheungFun · 18/02/2013 15:12

My older half brother doesn't know his Dad properly, his Dad was abusive to our Mum and thankfully she managed to get away from him when my brother was three. My Mum just gently explained that his Dad wasn't a very nice person, and as my brother got older he was always allowed to ask questions and Mum always answered him honestly but kindly as its not nice to know your related to someone so awful. My brother has a hazy memory of his Dad beating Mum up, and he has no wish to know any more about his Dad or his Dads family. Me and Mum are his family.

I on the other hand had the misfortune of being forced by the courts to visit my Dad monthly and it was nice at the beginning, but it became very obvious that he was a complete arsehole to his new girlfriend that he later married. Honestly, I'd rather be gently let down by my Mum telling me, than having to witness and learn for myself that my Dad is an abusive pig :(

DM never knew her father and she aid it was hard and she could never ask her Mum as she would lie (very toxic), so that's why she always answered any questions me or my brother had. It is hard, but with a loving Mum, you don't need a crap Dad!

So on that reasoning OP I think you'd be better off keeping it quiet from your ex and enjoying your LO.

BruthasTortoise · 18/02/2013 15:16

I think there is a world of difference between a father knowing about his DC and choosing to have no contact and a father having no knowledge. I think the OP is running the risk of alienating her child by denying the father the knowledge if his/her birth. There is a danger that the child will built up a hero-figure in his/her head and of course if he/ she ever decides to seek out the ex you can guarantee that he (the ex) will blame the OP 100% for having not been in the DC's life.

On the other hand I completely understand why the OP would choose to do this and I wish you and your DC well whatever you decide to do.

SilverClementine · 18/02/2013 15:36

YANBU at all. If I was in your situation I wouldn't breathe a word of who the father is to ANYONE. Then as DC gets older, explain as best I can that their father wasn't a very nice man and that's why they weren't around.

I had a very similar ex and if I'd have got caught pregnant by him my life, and no doubt my child's, would have been hell. You need to do what's best to protect you and your child.

Best of luck with everything Xx

TheSecondComing · 18/02/2013 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/02/2013 15:46

What a croc of shit.

The child's right to live free of abuse or witnessing abuse trump anyone else's rights compleatly.

Its why mothers who remain in relationships like that are deamed to be unable to parent and often lose the children if they refuse to co operate with SS

Unfortunatly few judges in child contact hearings pay as much attention to DV as they should.

Part and parcel of being a decent parent is making big decisions that may or may not be compleatly 100% free of risk long term to protect a child in the here and now.

If abuse red flags are there and obvious enough to make an adult think "bloody hell I want no part of this" then they are enough to keep well away from children.

Parents who abuse the other parent are not nor are they ever good parents unless they cease to behave in abusive ways.

If you have a chance to make sure you can protect your kids from this before any links have been forged with the child that would add complications then IMO you should.

If you think about it,if your reasons for leaving a relationship are the sort of things that social workers would concider to place your child at risk of harm should you stay then its a compleate no brainer.

FryOneFatManic · 18/02/2013 16:06

Angel take a look at the relationships board. There are many women on there who have come out of abusive relationships and despite trying to put in place arrangements to protect themselves/the children, their abusive exs are still messing their lives up and getting away with it because the courts still seem to force children to spend time with these idiots.

If this man is really as bad as the OP's description, then once he knows about the child it could take years before he gets the message and leaves her alone.

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