Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

[foxyfi111]

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

OP having read your initial post I thought you had some chance of making this work if you were both keen to do so.
Having read your later posts and the extra information I no longer think so.

You need to move on and and find someone whose ambitions and outlook on life matches yours. Good luck with that!

Lots of assumptions there AThing.

If the OP has a child in say 5 years, he will still be working full time until the child is 10, and presumably supplying the family 'pot' with his full time wage. OP wants to work PT so her reduced wage will most likely cover childcare and not much else - essentially OP will be 'living off' her DH.

At the age of 10 the child will still require care at home, which he can provide at no cost, whilst still putting his pension into the family 'pot' (just like the OPs reduced wage for the previous 10 years) whilst OP can go back to FT - essentially OP DH will be 'living off' OP.

Im not going to comment on the nature of their relationship as I think there are far more issues that need to be resolved first. But the issue of him retiring is not one of them.

Of course the issue of him retiring is a problem.

Parents of school age children cannot comfortably retire early in their 50s, fixing their income at a low level that will be gradually eaten away by inflation as the years go by.

She will end up funding his retirement as well as the vast bulk of the cost of reading their family.

some parents can. My husband has, and I can retire now if I wanted, at the age of 40. If he has been planning this for a while he may well have been paying into a private pension - OP says his pension would easily provide for him if he was on his own, so it sounds substantial enough.

You say that 'she will be funding his retirement' well maybe, just as he will be funding her PT working.

If he definitely wants kids, then he needs to know how he is going to pay for them, but the onus is on you OP to pay into the pot as much as he does. There is no more reason why he should subsidise you to work PT for a few years than you should subsidise his early retirement. Ultimately, it's about give and take, and compromise on both sides.

You do seem to have rather outdated notions of gender which your DP wouldn't appear to share.

You need to talk this to death and either agree on a compromise or go your separate ways. Your natural starting points are at polar opposites.

Which does kind of beg the question of how far apart you are in your other attitudes, values and life goals. What, apart from sexual attraction and presently 'enjoying each other's company', do you actually have in common?

OP, try reading your thread from the beginning and imagine you were not involved at all. If this were a friend of yours telling you all this, what would you tell her to do?

The warning signs:-

He won't commit to living with you
He has never lived with a woman despite having a 7 year relationship
You are trying to 'tame' him
He says he wants children but is showing no sign of changing his bachelor life style to accommodate this
He has told you he will continue with his plan to retire in 15 years even though you might have school age children and he hasn't consulted you on this
He has £80k now (still not clear if this is cash or equity) but in 15 years, with inflation, it's value will diminish
You think he will make you feel that you 'owe' it to him to support him in later years because he has money now ( although if he plans to use this money to fund his retirement he is not going to be putting into the 'relationship' now)
You have expectations whereby you want to be provided for not the other way round, which, right or wrong, need to be discussed

Would you tell your friend to run for the hills or tell her she's worryingly unnecessarily?

40 years old, no previous serious relationships, very definate retirement plans? This is not a man who wants a family. Run away OP, far away. Find somebody who is actually interested in building a family with you. Or you could waste 5 years (if you're lucky - could be 10 or 15 before you wise up) with this man.

"You say that 'she will be funding his retirement' well maybe, just as he will be funding her PT working."

Working part time for a few years doesn't even come close to costing as much as a retirement that could last for 40 years.

OP will be retired herself before 40 years is up. He works full time now for another 15 years, then collects his pension. OP works for 20 years following his retirement, then collects her own pension. Hopefully OP also has had the foresight to plan for her future retirement fund, rather than just relying on the state.

Only difference really is that OP DH is also bringing 80k to the table.

Like I said, I think there are a lot more issues with this relationship, a lot more reasons that it is not necessarily a good idea. But if OP DH wants to retire at 55, has planned for it and it can be afforded, then it is not up to the OP to dismiss the idea solely because "I guess I have this old fashioned idea that the man should go provide for the family"

This is not a man who is looking forward to spending his life with you, and raising a family.

This man is looking forward to his retirement, having leisure time away from you, while you are working your arse off to support his leisure and your family.

Not a catch at all!

His plan isn't just that he retires early, takes a smaller pension for his entire retirement, and has an extra ten years to spend his lump sum.

Which is a risky enough proposition when you have dependant children.

His plan is for his 11 years younger girlfriend to work for another 20 years (no early retirement for her) to fund the household while he lives like an old man while he is middle aged.

This is not an agreed plan, a joint dream.

It is something he has told her is happening before he is willing to move in with her.

A teacher retiring at 55 will not be looking at a massive pension.

It should provide a comfortable retirement.

But it will not fund a growing family, a mortgage, or any of the things most parents want to provide for their children.

As Quint has pointed out, his plan is for himself.

He's looking to a younger girlfriend to fund the life he is planning to lead.

She would be crazy to go along with his plan.

It says everything about how he views her, and it's not pretty.

Speaking as a 55 year old teacher...

Several of my friends who are a bit older have taken early retirement (at the ages of 58-59) and realise they have no money at all. They have husbands who work but are used to bringing home their own pay packet of at least the same amount. They are still working, just not in teaching. One has had a shock pay packet after working over Christmas at M&S. Minimum wage.

Personally I will be working (probably teaching) until 65. I won't get a state pension until 66. Your boyfriend needs to check out the state pension; a friend of mine who's about 30 won't get her state pension until she's about 70. That means he'll be retired for 15 years on his teaching pension.

If he retires at 55 his teaching pension will be greatly reduced. Is he planning to have paid off any mortgage by that time? Is he planning to save a great deal.

The thing that would REALLY put me off, though, at 29, is to go out with someone who hates his job and won't do anything about it. Someone who is only in the job because of the holidays. Who's never managed to commit to someone. Who thinks his wife will take care of him financially.

I wouldn't want to live with him. He sounds entitled and a whiner.

Yes, what Imperial said.

The things people say about early retirement on here sometimes leave me

I think he has made his plan for him whereas if you plan marriage and children you need a new, joint plan which will involve compromises from both of you, and you need to make that plan before you move into together or very shortly afterwards.

You wont really be able to get much, in terms of a family home with mortgage term of only 15 years. Most mortgage terms are 25 years plus.

This means you would not be able to even buy a comfortable family home and raise your kids in.

Not only do you have to work for 12 years longer than him, he will have been retired for 27 years already by the time YOU retire. That is almost as much living as your entire LIFE now.

From your kids are 7-10 years old, you will be raising them on a single income, that is a luxury few can afford! Just like being a sahm is a luxury few can afford these days!

Why tether yourself to someone like this? Why not flesh out your own retirement, buy your own place, fund your own life without a leech like this?

When you are with someone who point-scores, plays tits-for-tat with money, throws out lines like, 'I funded you, now you fund me', or 'now it's your turn,' you're not a team, you're a business transaction.

You're 29, don't you think you deserve someone who sees people that way?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! If this guy wanted kids with you, he'd already have gone for it. Cut your losses and get rid.

his whole life ambition is to carry on in a job he hates for another 15 years and then retire and sit on his fat hairy arse.

don't you want someone with more get up and go? is this really what you're happy to settle for?

If I retire at 55, my pension will be around £13,500.
Enough to live like a student, not enough to keep a family on.

I was going to post what BearBehind has already said.

His retirement plan is based on having 80k equity in his bachelor pad. If you buy a place together, for your family home, that 80k will be used up. Before retirement, you will together need to pay off the mortgage on your joint family home.

I hope he has a good pension in place!

that is true hesterton.

as the saying goes, when someone tells you what they're like, LISTEN.

just sounds to me like you don't have the same long term view, foxy.

I don't think he's a villain, just a no hoper.

If you want to leave your job at 40, you do something else.

You are young, less than halfway through your working life.

You don't stick in a job you hate and start planning for early retirement.

Unless you have nothing going for you at all.

The life he's offering the OP is dreary and will be very hard on her.

Who needs to sign up to a 40 year old's plans for his his decline at 29?

I don't think he's a villain either. He just has very different priorities to the OP and she appears to think she can change him on far too many levels for the relationship to be feasible.