Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

[foxyfi111]

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

[EssexGurl]

An old boss of mine had similar set up - married to older man. She supported him in her career when her son (from earlier marriage) was younger. Then when he retired, he supported her in her career. They were a pair of workaholics and the relationship could not support both working FT. But it worked for them doing a split role - one worked/one supported, then swapped. Both happy and fulfilled.

BUT you are talking a long time in the future. Why worry about it now - who knows what is going to happen?

[AThingInYourLife]

I feel sorry for him too.

Imagine being 40 and thinking you had nothing to offer the world but staying in a job you hated for 15 years and then spending your middle age sitting on your
arse doing nothing.

What a loser.

[Pandemoniaa]

He hasnt ever lived with a woman so it's all new territory,

And he's 40? Run for the hills.

[LessMissAbs]

Princess Ragnhild Exactly StuntGirl. Apparently he's "lazy" if he doesn't want to carry on working full time in a job he hates when he's been working hard and saving up for early retirement. I don't think the same would be said of a woman

I'm just wondering what reception on here a 40 year old woman with an 11 years younger boyfriend would get announcing her early retirement plans!

[FunnysInLaJardin]

MrsH I really do think that you can overplan these things. Provided the basics are there and there is a level of commitment, trust and love then you really do have to go with the flow. So many things could happen before you get anywhere near to retirement that it is pointless even discussing the details. You could die, be infertile, lose your job, love being a SAHP, hate being a SAHP a million things.

However if there isn't love and commitment then as like as not the relationship is going nowhere and now may be the time to bale out.

[Jinsei]

Does he actually want children op? Or is that your idea?

[AThingInYourLife]

"I'm just wondering what reception on here a 40 year old woman with an 11 years younger boyfriend would get announcing her early retirement plans!"

Don't forget her plans to have babies in her forties and then retire early, leaving her younger partner to support the family as her paltry teachers' early retirement salary diminished in buying power over the next 40 years.

[OHforDUCKScake]

Never lived with a woman.

Not making commitmers to you.

Expecting to retire early and you to finance it.

And babis in 10 years?! You'll be 40 and he 50! Will he really want to at 50 when hes never made any commitment to anyone in 40 years?

Im really sorry I just cant see that happening. How is a non commited man going to suddenly become very commited at the ripe age of 50, so much so he wants to stay at home and look after babies?

[MrsHuxtable]

Funnys Maybe, but I'm an obsessive planner and couldn't have married DH without the knowlegde that we want the same things within the same timeframe. I know unplanned things can happen and plans might have to be changed but getting married without agreeing on the basics is just a set up for heartbreak imo.

[MrsKoala]

Sorry have I missed something, why are people saying babies in 10 years. Doesn't the OP say starting a family in a few years? And why would OP be financing his retirement, he has 80k and a pension presumably. Have missed a massive post? Sorry a bit sleep deprived

[TheNebulousBoojum]

AThing:
'Imagine being 40 and thinking you had nothing to offer the world but staying in a job you hated for 15 years and then spending your middle age sitting on your
arse doing nothing.;

I could retire right now and spend the next twenty plus years doing all the things that having a FT job has got in the way of for the last 30 years. My arse would be considerably smaller too as I'd have time for long walks and proper cooking.

'leaving her younger partner to support the family as her paltry teachers' early retirement salary diminished in buying power over the next 40 years.'

A lot of retired teachers continue to work part time as supply or tutors, just that you get a choice about when and with whom you work. He could supplement the paltry pension that so many are jealous of.

[DontmindifIdo]

I think by 40, if he's talking about retiring early etc, it's perfectly acceptable to ask him if he plans to marry you and have DCs with you and exact timeframes. He's really got to plan that within the next 5 years so it's really now or never for a man in his 40s. If he's stalling, that means he wants to say "well, probably not. Maybe marriage, but I don't really want kids." By 40, you either do or don't want these things. And not wanting them is fine. Planning your life out over the next 15 years to afford to retire early is fine - but only if you are fully open about what that means for your DP in terms of what you can/will offer them.

If you really want DCs, walk away OP.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

ah well MrsH that is where we differ! I knew that both DH and I broadly enjoyed and wanted the same things ie marriage and children at some point but that was as far as our planning went. We are still together 25 years later and it's quite nice having a general idea of what might happen but at the same time not being fixed on it. Not quite sure how we would have factored in a redundancy and 2 MMC in our plans

[LentilAsAnything]

I didn't live with a man til I was 35 - not a huge way off 40. Nothing wrong with me, it didn't send men running for the hills. I simply didn't want to live with someone until I knew it was the right man. Geeze.

[claudedebussy]

my twat radar is going off big time.

pretty much as quint has said, oh very wise person.

[TheNebulousBoojum]

He may be a twat. OP may be delusional and seeing an intense, long-lasting relationship that involves children and pensions that really isn't viable.
Both need to talk and probably move on from each other.
FFS, they aren't even living together, how do they know that they won't drive each other insane over very small issues?

[foxyfi111]

OK. He def wants kids, I think he doesnt fully understand the bit that has to happen first (i.e settle down, marriage, forming a solid partnership) and yes we definitely need to work on that. I am trying to tame a bachelor here!! He has had many girlfriends who it hasnt worked out with, for some reason he never took it to the next level with them, including one who he was with for 7 years which I find crazy but there must have been reasons. I do know he is a man who doesnt make decisions quickly.

I have tried to be more persuasive about living together sooner but he doesnt want to be pushed before he's ready blah blah. I realise that this is the bigger problem... I guess I just wanted to get an idea of whether or not Im dealing with a common problem or whether I have a genuine point that he is being selfish. I still have no idea!! It seems it works for some people but I imagine if I'd been consulted rather than informed about this I would be dealing with it better - and yes it is strange that he is telling me this so soon, & that it's already his plan. I think he finds work really stressful (he is head of dept). I seriously doubt he'll ever change careers as he likes having the holidays off.

I think my ideas are a bit old fashioned because Im not really happy to be the home maker as I enjoy my career and wouldnt want to give that up, or my financial independence. I just wonder if this is the warning sign of a man who is going to take advantage of me or...am I being unreasonable. Ho hum.

[Dozer]

Doesn't sound like he's much of a catch.

After 40 sperm quality can be poor, so if he wants DC he doesn't necessarily have long to think about it.

[TheNebulousBoojum]

Take advantage of you?
How? It's an odd attitude that you both have, neither of you seem to trust or consider each other's needs as equal to your own.
He doesn't sound manipulative, he sounds very set in his ways and that is very hard to change, if indeed you ought to. He may like the idea of children, but as with my ivory tower academic, the reality may be somewhat different to his imaginings.
Try living together in a rented place and see what happens.

[MrsKoala]

I think as you say, he's made his plan and he's informed you, it's up to you if you want to go along with it. But I think you would be unreasonable to try to talk him out of it. He's set in his ways, he knows what he wants (probably why everyone else has not stuck around), don't try to change him. Accept the truth that he has told you. Believe him and make your decisions accordingly.

[specialsubject]

nobody is being unreasonable (except the poster who says that retirement=doing nothing. That is not the case for anyone with a life)

Age gap doesn't matter. What does matter is that OP and boyfriend don't have the same goals. I don't think he really wants kids and neither of them have much idea of a partnership.

in short - train wreck just waiting for the buffers.

[AThingInYourLife]

"I am trying to tame a bachelor here!!"



You are a fool.

You think you'll beat all the other girlfriends by being the one he finally marries?

Wake up!

If he is going to set the timescale for everything, you already know why his other relationships failed - they got bored waiting for his lordship to do the things he promised but wouldn't be "pressured into".

You have time on your side now.

But he's already rubbing his hands with glee as he figures out that he can still retire early while his young wife covers the entire cost of raising the family he wants but doesn't want to pay for.

[Narked]

So, one minute you're saying you'd want to work part time and the next you're saying you wouldn't want to be 'the home maker' - but 'I think my ideas are a bit old fashioned.'

Rightttttt.

[AThingInYourLife]

"except the poster who says that retirement=doing nothing. That is not the case for anyone with a life"

I wouldn't call a 40 year old commitmentphobe with a job he hates but won't leave because of the holidays and no plans except early retirement someone with a "life".