Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

[foxyfi111]

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

He's 40. He's never lived with a woman. He has been with you for two years and 'He says he doesnt feel ready to live together'.

It's hardly promising.

"with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me"

Although this is the situation for many, many men as standard.

Pure quintessence, has just summed it up, you really aren't on the same page.

You said a bit up thread you could start a whole thread on how to live together when one of you is selling and one is renting but if he doesn't want to live with you, as you've now said, it's a bit pointless. There are ways it can be done if you both want it but if he doesn't want to, it's irrelevant.

Planning 15 years ahead seems to me like the last thing you should be concerned with in this relationship. There are hundreds of variations on what might happen between now and then. I'd try and sort out the here and now first.

Yep, I don't think gender reversal would make any difference. People who look at meeting someone for a reason for retiring and living off them aren't generally considered that good bets for partners. There are probably more men looking for a woman to be a housewife or SAHM than there are women looking for men to fill that role. Even then I probably wouldn't think that much of a woman who saw meeting someone as a motivator for giving up work and living off their earnings for possibly half their life.

So what if he hates his work? Lots of people do, but they have no choice but to get on with it.

I'd have more sympathy with him if you were years into the relationship and he had developed ill health, or had planned for his early retirement, or you had children. But otherwise 40 is still relatively young and being so interested in early retirement makes him sound like a scrounger.

I think hypothetically it could work depending on your family costs. If he has 80k to draw from and the proposal is to use that to draw on. Then is 1k per month doable in 15years time. Because that would be about 7 years of living. What would his pension be and when would he be able to draw it? Sorry if I've missed that.

Having worked in schools and taught I actually think all teachers should retire at 55. It's a really physical job, you have to have loads of energy and be able to put 100% in and I have never seen a teacher over 55 manage it. All the ones I have worked with are just marking time till they can leave, doing the bare min to get by. I don't think that is fair on the children. They have lost all passion and drive. These are teachers who have taught since uni and in inner London schools. They hate it and are worn out.

What about if he retrained now, maybe doing home study and then worked part time from 55, supplimenting his savings?

My dh is 50, I'm 36 and dd is 12.

I shouldn't imagine he'll work till 67 and he doesn't even have a private pension. However he does have a lot of savings, a second house and some land and I imagine will use income from sales or rental of some of that. Plus I do expect to support him a bit when he's in his 60s and I'm in my 40s. I don't mind that. I don't see why he should have to work till he drops if I've got a good wage and he doesn't need to.

However He's going to have to wait till he's at least 59 or 60 as if dd goes to uni I want him to work while she's at uni. Which I'm sure he would.

My BIL is much older than my SIL - he retired at 55 but on a very good police pension. She's still working. If he carried on for another 15 years until she could retire he might be dead and never get to enjoy a retirement. Which wouldn't be fair on him.

Exactly StuntGirl. Apparently he's "lazy" if he doesn't want to carry on working full time in a job he hates when he's been working hard and saving up for early retirement. I don't think the same would be said of a woman.

Whether or not his retirement plans are practical and whether or not you should have children with him are a matter for debate too, obviously.

Just noticed his £80k was made in property, is that the equity in his flat?

If so, it's just probably just paper money as anything you plan to buy will have increased in price too. Plus, going from a 1 bed flat to a family home will soon eat up that money unless you can finance it in another way so it seems likely that £80k could be long gone by the time he is 55.

Oh, Foxy, PureQuintessence is right, this goes way beyond retiring early. He wants to live with you within the year but won't live with you just now. He's reluctant for you to have input into the next house he buys even though (presumably) that will be the house you will both live in . . .
He may be having difficulty adjusting to the mindset of being in a committed relationship but if he is then I think you should challenge that rather than accommodate it.
Before you have a conversation about what happens when he retires, you have to have a chat about where you will live together, when you will live together and how you both input into the decisions on finding somewhere to live and paying for it.
I hope it works out but if you find yourself lying awake a lot at night worrying about this relationship then please listen to your instincts.

You're 29, he's 40, That's the same age gap as my DH and I. In his job you retire after 30yrs- some could retire at 48, but if you're not able to discuss things then I would have alarm bells ringing.

My DH make decisions jointly, he tells me that he would love to retire mid fifties, but it may not happen. On the other hand, I would be happy going to work when he retires as he's supported me being a SAHM.

wow OP you have it all planned out. Seriously I would take this one chunk at a time. Why not get married if you plan to, then try to have DC and then reasess the situation.

There are so many variables in this that it is impossible to plan so far ahead. If you are happy together and love each other just go with the flow and see what happens

My DH and I, bloody contradictory statements from me.

A few things here sound off to me.

You've been together 2 years andhe's not ready to move in yet but knows he will be ready within a year. That sounds so immature. Either you are in a committed adult relationship and want to live together or you're not.

You want to start ttc in about 5 years when you are almost 35? I think that's leaving it a little late if you really really want a family, especially if you want more than 1 child. You might well not find it easy at all to conceive it at that age. He'd be 45 by then and those sleepless nights aren't so easy to live with, less so when you're middle aged.

He's never lived with a woman at 40? I think he sounds totally clueless aout what having a young family entails.

Sorry. Is it possible you want this relationship to be more than it actually is?

I'd get out and find someone my own age and then get on with starting a family. You don't want to stick around 5 years and then when you're not as fertile anymore, he tells you he's not up for kids as he's too old and wants to enjoy a peaceful life.

You need to sit down with him and make sme proper plans with a timeframe. Then you can see if you can live with what he wants and the other way around...

I don't think the OP should get married to her boyfriend first and then see how things plan out. They need to plan first and see if they can find a way to live together before marriage is even on the cards.

I don't think this is the same as a normal SAHP situation (FWIW DH was SAHD). If they move in together now, and start a family in a couple of years then the youngest child could easily be 8 or 9 by the time he retires. Surely that's when SAHP are considering going back to work not giving up for the first time.

I think you need to sit down and have a long chat with him. I brought considerably more than £80K into our marriage (London flat bought in a price slump in the 1990's) and I didn't feel DH owed anything financial to the relationship. Once you are married its not your money but family money. If he is still thinking "yours" & "mine" or valuing financial contributions then I really question if he is committed to the concept of a relationship.

Yep, I don't think gender reversal would make any difference. People who look at meeting someone for a reason for retiring and living off them aren't generally considered that good bets for partners.

His retirement plans are in fact by the by. It could work, if he was committed to the relationship, the family, and had thought about how to fund the future kids.

As it is, he has thought about how he funds himself and nobody else.
And that is where the real problem is.

Foxy, I fear that you are chasing after rainbows trying to have an adult and mature relationship with this man!

"with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me"

Although this is the situation for many, many men as standard.'

Yes, but they have a say in having children they know their wife will not be able to return to work with, so it's the cost of having children for them. The cost to the wife is not being able to return to work.

OP if you want to have children now, will you be planning to take time off to be at home or return after mat leave?

All age gap relationships have to face this, you are going to be at different stages of yoru life at different times. While you are both working and having young DCs, it doesn't really matter, but at the end of career, there was always going to be a point when he'd retire before you. If he wants to retire earlier, you will be living very different lives for a lot longer.

But 40 never lived with another woman, dating you for a few years when you are in your late 20s (rather than a woman his own age who'd be looking for engagement/commitment quickly if she wants DCs), but not asking you to move in and not proposing - I'd be walking away and looking for someone a bit younger or someone really keen to settledown and start a family. You're 29, he's 40, between you you dno't have 10 years to faff about.

There is an 18yr gap between me (sahm) and DH (every hour god sends own business)- I'm 29 he's 48 and DH talks of this frequently. We think maybe both of us working part time could solve it. It will mean some sacrifices, but the sooner the better in our case so the girls get to see as much of him as possible whilst they're still little (2 and 3) and he's still energetic.

You do need to talk about it properly now, and nearer the time sit down and work out what money coming in you could survive on. He may find that retirement is a bit of a shock and will just want a less stressful job instead.

FWIW, I'm hoping my DH will discover an enthusiasm for cooking and cleaning that I have never managed to muster!

I married DH when I was 32 and he was 39. We had DD a year later.

DH retired at 41 and hasn't worked since. DD is 7, nearly 8. I returned to work when DD was 6 months and have been the breadwinner ever since.

DH has a pension of approx £700 per month. I earn a good FT wage.

I'd love to have been at home with DD when she was little, but it wasn't an option. Now she is older it is less important to me, we still have a lot of quality time together. I have no issues with being the breadwinner, just as I would have no issues if DH was the breadwinner.

I will retire in 2014 and receive a pension of around £1K a month. I intend to go back to work PT/Mums Hours because staying at home would bore me. Again if DH remains retired it won't bother me, nor if he goes back to work.

It can be done, but I accept that our situation is unusual.

The difference in your situation dallas is that it looks like your husband was a SAHD when you daughter was little and you did this at the beginning of the relationship. In this instance the man would become a SAHD when the children were about 10 so they'd have to find a way through the early years with them both working as the OP is unlikely to be able to have a significant career break from such a specialised field if she needs to carryon working in later life to support her partner.

I just think the OP partner is commitment shy and is only thinking about himself and his future aspirations without adjusting them to best fit those of the OP and potentially their family.

Him retiring at 55 isn't a bad thing in itself, it's the lack of consideration for the OP and her feelings which is wrong.

Having said all that, I can't help thinking there are an awful lot of bridges to be crossed in this relationship before any of this becomes an immediate problem.

15 Years is a long way off so seems a bit premature...
But i do find your attitude a bit/lot off- you expected to be able to work PT with children? and who did you expect to fund this?
On paper if he can be at home with an income (from his pension) whilst you earn an income by working full time - this seems more reasonable than you being at home with no income and him working full time.

But - as the sole breadwinner in my family- I do resent my SAHP - I feel under pressure to bring money in (bad periods at work seem really threatening)- I resent the fact that DP doesn't appreciate their work-life balance, or seem to enjoy the time with DS which I feel sure I would in their place. ALthough having a SAHP helps in some ways it would be easier for me in others (and feel more equitable) if we were both working as I'd feel I had more of a partner

I think you are being unreasonable - i'm presuming as a man of 40 with £80k in the bank he's not assuming he'll live off you but that he'll plan for and finance an early retirement (which you mention will include some pt work).
Why not?

You'll get mat leave... and then you are assuming you'll be able to choose how much to work pt when your children are young and he's still working, why not swap over when he hits 55? you may well want to go back ft by then...

I think you have very old fashioned views about gender roles.

I think the notion of retirement plans are a complete red herring.

You have been together two years.
He still doesn't think it's a good time to live together but, somehow, this will change within the next year

Deal with this first - children, retirement who's working when comes much much further down the list.

There would have to be a very good reason for me to commit to someone who has potentially got through a good chunk of their adult life without commitment. I suspect he could keep this spinning on for years...Do you really want that?

I actually feel a bit sorry for him.