Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

[foxyfi111]

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

God it sounds more like a contract than a relationship! Where's the talk of love and commitment? The feeling that you are both so in love and right for each other that you can't bear to be apart? Because that's how committed, loving relationships usually go. First there is the falling in love part, then the realisation that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and in so doing you make plans to move in together as soon as its feasible. Which it is now. Yes, you might view it as a bachelor pad but surely he has a double bed and spare wardrobe space?! I really don't understand all the dilly dallying

It sounds to me like he is reaching 40, panicking about how he hasn't reached the stages in his life that his peers have and looking to see if its doable with his current partner - you. But, sorry to break it to you - I don't think that you are The One. Otherwise you would be already living together. Sounds like you are Miss She'll Do.

[kalidanger]

Miss Has Good Earning Potential.

Poor OP. You didn't expect this, did you?

[thegreylady]

My dh and I were both teachers and both retired in our early 50's.We did supply and exam marking and private tuition to supplement our pensions.Dc were between 14 and 19 when dh retired [our 2nd marriage] and grown up when i did it 10 years later.
Money has never been a problem and neither of us ever regretted it.Dh retired just a year after we married but it never occurred to me to 'mind'.He did all the shopping and cooking as well as the extra jobs I have mentioned.

[INeedThatForkOff]

thegreylady, I've just nosed at your profile and see that you must have retired around 15 years ago. I don't really think your situation is comparable with today's economic climate, let alone that in 15 years' time. I too do exam marking, private tuition and moderation. I'd have to be lucky (ie with medium-term tuition arrangements) to take home 4k a year to supplement my poxy pension in my early 50s.

[echt]

thegreylady, I'm betting the access to the teachers' pension was different when your DH retired. I'm one of the rapidly vanishing breed who can access mine at 60. Now it's 67. Who knows how the goal posts will have moved for teachers before the OP's boyfriend leaves a job he hates right now?

For reasons not related to his job, but to his obvious lack of commitment, the OP should find herself a man of her own age.

[Dromedary]

If you are going to have children, why wait a few years? He'll be an older dad even if you start right now. He doesn't sound very committed to the idea of children, seems unrealistic about what being a 60 year old with teenage children is likely to be like.
Teachers used to expect to retire very early (at the public expense), but things are changing. It would worry me that he is looking forward to many years of rest time (with children at school) while you continue to work. A decent family income will be important to any children and to your retirement. And presumably when you finally retire you'll be expected to care for him in his old age.
To be honest, it all sounds uncommitted and pie in the sky.

[Afritutu]

Hubby and I have a 12 year age gap and 2 young dc. This is our 'sort of' arrangement and I could!'t be happier with it. While the kids are young, I work part time and will probably do some free lance type work from home when they hit school age. He will retire in 10-15 years, and then I look forward to picking up a more exciting career in my late 40's onwards, and he will be at home ferrying the teenagers about. We will have paid off much of our mortgage by then, for me this is perfect.

[foxyfi111]

God this is hardcore!! Well I was kind of hoping his delay to moving in etc are just because he wanted to make sure I am right before leaping into it. I also had just finished a 6 year relationship before I met him and wasnt in a rush to immediately move in with someone new. I am now feeling the nesting urge and have mentioned this on several occassions, I think he is starting to give in a bit. I didnt mention it in my original post but obviously we love each other, but its not a perfect situation. I feel I need to be sure of where I need to make negotiations. I think from what I have read, TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub has posted the most useful comment and I think this is case of - that is his plan at the moment but as part of our relationship I think, having read these comments, I would be fair to negotiate it. To be fair I dont think he had thought that i would finance him particularly, just that that is what he would do if he was on his own and it probably hasnt occurred to him that its not possible in a family situation, which is alien to both of us. It is reassurring to hear that it has worked out for some people. I'm not 100% convinced that he hates his job as much as he says he does, as he does go to focus groups and extra lessons etc although he does get paid a bit more for them.

I think the point about the mortgage is a good one. We live in London. His money is coming from the flat which has increased in value since he bought it. He is selling for £300,000 probably and would look to use the money to deposit for a larger house maybe £400,000, but if I was to buy with him (in the future) we could afford £600,000. That should take some time to pay off...and theres no way that would just be me paying it off! I suppose I just dont want a lazy husband that I lose respect for, especially as I love my job.

For now I think I'll just focus on just general domestication as the aim. I.e hanging out more than two nights a week...and hopefully getting a date to move in together soon. I dont think he's being commitment shy to be an idiot, I think he's more scared because he's not done it before and it will be a big change to his life, for a man who doesnt deal well with change. Honestly he has made a lot of changes for me over the last year because he used to be really stuck in his ways...never taking me out or buying presents but he has made some improvements with that, and even though he's still not the perfect boyfriend I do have hope.

Im not a psychologist but I think probably a lot of his behaviour stems to when he was a child, his parents were very distant and cold to him and he spent a lot of time alone in the country without other kids around him. Its made him very self-sufficient and defensive and hard to get to know. But under all that he is a charming and sweet man.

[nokidshere]

After being told we would never have children we planned to retire when DH was 50 (I would have been 42) and "potter around" lol

I got pregnant at 39 and again at 41 so all our plans were out of the window! We now have two boys 14 & 11 and dh is going to be 60 in a few months time - retirement is sooo not an option !!!!

We have no real control over the future.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, why do you want to spend the rest of your life together? You are SO young! There are thousands of nice men out there who are your age and would love to have what you want too. He sounds like really, really hard work.

[AThingInYourLife]

"For now I think I'll just focus on just general domestication as the aim. I.e hanging out more than two nights a week...and hopefully getting a date to move in together soon."

You are treating getting him to commit to you as a project.

Really, if a man is that into you, he won't need to be managed into agreeing to move in together.

My husband is a very self-sufficient man who is hard to get to know.

But once we got together he was only too happy to do things he hadn't wanted to do before. Like moving in together.

Relationships shouldn't be hard work.

Despite all the press insisting that women waste their lives working at them.

[Tasmania]

YANBU - whoever on this post said otherwise don't understand that a decision like this should be made by both partners together. Not one dropping a bl**dy bombshell...

[StuntGirl]

Why are you treating your relationship like some kind of pet project? "Tame him", "focus on general domestication". Do you have any idea what a commited and equal relationship looks like? I'll give you a clue - not this.

[Morloth]

I think you are both in very different places.

The language you use is also really concerning. You can't 'train' or 'tame' anyone. This is just really really stupid and it will not end well.

Think about what you want from life, then see if he fits in there.

There is nothing wrong with him planning to retire at 55, you just need to have a think about whether that fits in with your plans for the future.

Really odd word choices IMO that are indicative of a very strange mindset.

[piprabbit]

It doesn't sound as though the OP really knows what her DP's financial situation will be in retirement. She doesn't know what his pensions arrangements are.
Perhaps he has always planned to retire at 55 and has been saving for many years to achieve that goal? It wouldn't make him lazy at all - just organised and focussed on his objective.
Perhaps he feels a £400k house would be fine and has no ambition to fund a £600K house.
May be he doesn't really think he'll be settled down, perhaps he hopes to travel the world.

Who knows - but they do need to have a proper talk.

[TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub]

OP, when his place sells, will he immediately move into your rented place?

[Bearbehind]

Goodness me Foxy, you really are making excuses for him. You posted because he told you that he wanted to retire at 55, despite you having plans to have children who would be of school age by then, and now you say it probably hasn't occurred to him that that isn't possible in a family situation.

You do sound like he is your 'project' and you are pleased with your progress on the little things like buying you presents but there is no way you can 'train' him to work out the bleedin obvious if he doesn't want to see it.

He hasn't got £80k either as, unless you can move out of London and release the equity, it is just paper money as all the other properties will have increased in line with his flat so he'll need it in order to buy something else, so that's not a retirement fund.

This isn't meant to be a really harsh post but this isn't how a good relationship should be. It doesn't seem to be anything more than 'dating' at the minute. He's happy with seeing you for 2 nights a week- that's not even close to committing to live with you. It sounds more to me like he tells you enough to make you hang in there thinking he'll change when in reality he has no intent of doing so and when he says things like he plans to retire at 55 he is dropping his guard and forgetting he has no intention of being in the position you want him to be. I do think he sounds like a pretty committed bachelor- no one has changed him before and it doesn't sound like you are going to either.

[Bearbehind]

It really can't be normal to stay awake worrying that your currently 2-date-night-a-week boyfriend is going to retire in 15 years and you are going to resent him for being a lazy husband. Fair enough if you were married with kids and it was a likely situation but you are a scarily long way from that.

I would be much more concerned about him not wanting to move in with you, about you having to 'train' him to think of you or do anything nice and why he has never settled down before- they are the more pressing issues that would be keeping me awake.

I would bet that you shouldn't be losing sleep over this because you will never marry or have children with him so it won't be an issue.

[AThingInYourLife]

At least as you only see him twice a week you have plenty if time to play the field and date other men you might like more.

I'm sure you aren't in an exclusive relationship with someone who wants to see you so rarely after two years of dating.

[TheNebulousBoojum]

I'm a bit stunned as to the discrepancy in viewpoints within the relationship.
He's on two dates a week and a bachelor lifestyle, she's on marriage, children and retirement concerns.

[Bearbehind]

Athing' I think the OP probably is exclusive to her boyfriend but I very much doubt he is to her, what on earth does he do on the other 3 nights and at the weekend??

[TheNebulousBoojum]

He probably suits himself,not necessarily with another partner.
Does teacher stuff like marking and planning, watching what he likes on the TV, eating like a bachelor, not having to interact intensely with people after having done it all day. Pottering along as he has done happily for the last 20 years or so.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I have to say it doesn't sound much like love to me. As others have said more like a project. I think you will find yourself forever coaxing and persuading if this is how it's all starting.

BTW he's not gay is he?