Older boyfriend wants to retire early...??!!

[foxyfi111]

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

[PureQuintessence]

I would suggest you try live together and commit to your relationship before you even start thinking about kids.

[foxyfi111]

Only 2 years, we're waiting for his flat to sell before living together (and thats a whole other topic....what you do about living together when one person is selling a house and one person is renting!!)

[PureQuintessence]

Why is he selling his house? Is he married?

[AThingInYourLife]

Don't have children with this man.

If you are 40 when you TTC your first child, you don't get to retire at 55.

You will end up working to support an old man while you are still young.

His pension will be shite if he retires that early.

Go and find someone with a bit of life left in them.

Not a young man already planning for his descent into financial dependence on you.

[PureQuintessence]

"what you do about living together when one person is selling a house and one person is renting!!"

It is quite simple really. He moves in with you and share rent and bills and you start life together. If this works out, fine you can perhaps get married and buy something together in the future.

If living together does not work out, you ask him to leave.

[ChristmasJubilee]

Children in their primary years require quite a lot of input. They need taxied to activities, help with homework often taken to and from school. I often think how easy it was when they were babies and toddlers. I think his idea is good if he is happy to do the childcare and run the house.

[Bearbehind]

Foxy, there are red flags being waved here, IMO. it's not difficult to live together if he is selling his place. You give up your rental and move in with him until his flat sells then you find somewhere together. Depending on where in the country you are, selling a flat might take a while. It sounds to me as if you are planning way too far ahead because at this stage he hasn't committed anything to your lives together.

[Theicingontop]

His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments?

I'm a sahm, and it doesn't cause any arguments, no. I don't see how it's any different?

[foxyfi111]

Oh dear...thats a bit depressing! No he's not married!! Just selling his bachelor pad. He hasnt ever lived with a woman so it's all new territory, he's just thought about himself for a long time so I can understand he will probably need some training in this arena. I hope he doesnt think of me as future financial support but it is possible that he thinks that as he has money now, I would kind of owe the relationship.

[TheNebulousBoojum]

I think YABU,
' I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner'

Why not? Why is it his responsibility to keep going in a job he hates and be the breadwinner without a choice? It's a matter for equal negotiation surely?
If you'd resent him for retiring, even if he does part-time to bring in some income, because that would make you the main earner with teenage children, then this relationship isn't going to work out well.

[Narked]

'He hasnt ever lived with a woman so it's all new territory'

And he's 40????

That would set off huge alarm bells for me.

[FeistyLass]

foxy the reason I think you have to have the conversation is that I've been in the exact same situation as you . Dh is older than me and has always said he would retire at 55. He's worked his arse off with that plan in mind. When he first mentioned it to me, I had a panic similar to your's. However, when we sat and talked about it, he thought we could both retire then but I would probably still want to work (I loooove working so that wasn't an unreasonable assumption). Your partner might mean the same but you won't know until you ask.
Word of caution though - I wouldn't be sticking around to finance him through his retirement if he sees his money as his and you need to support him. However, if he thinks you'll both have a nest egg big enough to retire at the same time then that's different.

[expatinscotland]

He must be loaded, even now, if he thinks he's going to retire at 55. Hahahaahaa! Those days are over.

[PureQuintessence]

Why is he selling his flat?
Why has he not suggested you move in with him?


Oh I think this goes way beyond him just retiring early.

It is about what he invests in the relationship, and future family life. He seems to only think about himself.

You are taking a big risk, planning a future with a 40 year old man who has never lived with a woman.

[foxyfi111]

Yes its true he hasn't committed anything to me yet. He says he doesnt feel ready to live together (I am!) but that he wants to within the year. He wants to sell his one bed flat (too small for me to move into) and buy a house, but I want us to rent together before we pick out a family home. I'd also rather be involved in the purchase if its to be a long term house, but at the moment its too soon in our relationship to be

[Sallyingforth]

I don't think it's possible to lay down a rule on this. For some it would be a wonderful arrangement, for others it would be impossible. It all relies on your particular natures and the security of your relationship.
But the fact that you are already having doubts suggests that you might not be suited to it

[PrincessRagnhild]

You like your work, and he hates his, yet you want him to carry on being 'the breadwinner' while you work p/t and look after the children, because you think men should be the providers...? Is that right? Why couldn't he look after the DCs, run the household and do some p/t tutoring?

[LessMissAbs]

Sounds like hes onto a good thing...

It depends on how important having a motivated partner is to you. I know a man who was planning his early retirement at age 40 would scare me, because I'd still expect someone that age to be full of life and ambition. And I don't know how feasible early retirement will be in years to come.

£80,000 out of property is nothing, especially if hes 40.

My FIL took early retirement, 12 years before MIL, who has 3 children. She worked full-time as a headteacher while bringing up 3 children. FIL couldn't afford to go on holidays with them, so it was her and the 3 children. Possibly he didn't really want to. I find it kind of gobsmacking, as shes never had any time for fun, or for herself. It has also had a knock-on effect on DH, who has loads of ability but is short on ambition and motivation sometimes - I find it obvious that he lacked a strong, driven male role model.

[PureQuintessence]

You are so not on the same page....

[expatinscotland]

And he's never lived with anyone and he's 40?! I'd run a mile! He sounds tight, too.

[Bearbehind]

Seems to me he is thinking about himself far, far, in the future too. It's kind of unusual for someone of 40 never to have lived with someone but that is probably a seperate issue. If he wants children at this stage in his life he does not get the luxury of retiring early, the 2 things are just not compatible.

Your scariest sentance is where you say he thinks you would 'owe the relstionship' by then- that's like sayng you will be living in his debt for the next 15 years until you pay him back and that can't be a healthy relationship

[foxyfi111]

Feisty thanks thats really helpful. But Im not sure I could ever see myself retiring at 45! Theres no way we could afford that. Yes he is 100% thinking about himself. But he hasnt committed anything to me yet :S

[PrincessRagnhild]

It makes me really angry when I hear twats men complaining about how 'wives and children' are such a burden, but then you come across attitudes like this and wonder whether they might sometimes have a point.

[DontEvenThinkAboutIt]

If the OP was a man and her partner a woman I wonder if the answers on this thread would be the same .

If the boyfriend were the SAH parent then the OP would not be 'funding his retirement'

Anyway, it is good to discuss these things in advance although it is a loooong way in advance.

[StuntGirl]

Sorry, I thought the OP was saying she wouldn't be trying for kids for that amount of time too. So his "retirement" and the onslaught of kids would match up. But if you're going to have kids in a few years and he's going to retire in 15, well, I guess I'd want to see full financial projections, including several worst case scenarios, to see if it was financially viable. If not then you can't do it, can you?