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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to laugh at parents who try to reason with a toddler having a tantrum?

213 replies

stradbally · 10/02/2013 15:15

Mummy: "It's time to leave the park now DS/DD, I did say 20 minutes and you've had 25, and we have to go to Tesco on the way home to buy yummy food for dinner, so please get in the buggy, you can see Millie/Billy tomorrow, say bye bye now etc etc ......."

DS/DD: "Waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaa while rolling on the ground or doing that running on the spot thing

Mummy, in weird uber-controlled voice: I understand you're tired and playing in the park is lots of fun but we do want lovely dinner don't we, so please get in the buggy etc etc on and on..........

DS/DD: Waaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaaaa

I see it all the time, it's hilarious. I'm all for talking properly to children and explaining things etc, but seriously when they're in that state it won't go in! Just pick them up, quick cuddle, plonk them in the buggy and go!

OP posts:
QuietNinjaTardis · 11/02/2013 08:43

Isn't it nice to know that when your 3 year old who's big for his age and can go stiff as a board when you try to pick him up and then does the melty thing onto the floor and is too heavy to be picked up as he's a dead weight, that I am being judged because I'm trying to talk him back round. He no longer had a buggy as he's too big.
Op comes on judges people who either can't or won't manhandle their children and then fucks off. What a coward. Don't start a thread if you can't handle being disagreed with.
If I can get a grip on my child then I will take him away from whatever situation has caused the tantrum but if I can't then he is too heavy for me to pick up so I have to try and calm him down first so I can get him to move. Really pissed me off op.

ApocalypseThen · 11/02/2013 08:59

I actually think it is actually very wrong to make throw away comments about people being abusive- mud sticks and all that. You have no right, no right at all.

Clearly.

differentnameforthis · 11/02/2013 09:31

I wonder if our parents were subject to so much judgement when they were raising us?

I think it is awful how you have been spoken to golden just because your parenting approach differs from how others would do it.

One thing that I hate about modern parenting is the judgements made to others that choose a different path.

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 11/02/2013 09:41

YABU

It might not work that time, or the next, or the next, BUT it is setting an example of how they should communicate & every so often the promise of something yummy might work.

I choose to model good behaviour for my kids which is why they sit hunched over their toy mobile phones, thumbs furiously dancing over the screen on toddlernet so I will keep calmly explaining what we're doing. My dd outgrew this vey quickly and now at 3 is very wise & diplomatic, which has it's own problems as she's so reasonable she often has a very good point. Annoying, but just what I'd hoped.

HTH

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 11/02/2013 09:48

H Goldenbear I'm with you. THAT.IS.HOW.THEY.LEARN!!!

ditziness · 11/02/2013 09:50

ART OF EUROPE

poetry | prints | cine | home

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
links | search | home

ditziness · 11/02/2013 09:51

Sorry for copying and pasting the whole page, just meant to do the poem x

Goldenbear · 11/02/2013 10:19

Yes always at that back of my mind that poem for some reason especially the line, 'And add some extra, just for you.'

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 10:46

Actually Golden you were the one who started hurling 'abusive' at people who didn't endlessly try to negotiate with tired and hysterical small children.

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 10:49

ditziness and add

Nature or Nuture, your parent fuck you up

Ghostsgowoooh · 11/02/2013 11:07

Do any if your dc do the Houdini and promptly wriggle out the pram straps as soon as you wrestle them in and climb out of the pram all the while roaring their heads off

Dd3 fell out once she was that quick. You cannot strap her in, she's evil when she's in a temper

Goldenbear · 11/02/2013 11:31

Er Actually Pam no I was not. Have you read the entire thread or even the same thread as me? After my first post Wannabe made this comment:

'Personally I find your method of teaching your child what makes you happy and sad quite damaging.'

Her next post referred me to the Stately Homes thread if I wanted to see for myself the 'damage' I was inflicting on my DD. I naturally found this fairly offensive and seemed to spend a lot of the thread defending my position and wanted her to elaborate on her comments. She explained what she did in comparison and i didn't understand how it could be a superior technique. Wannabe later said,

'Linking parental emotion to a childs behaviour is abusive. No question.'

She had previously explained that I was doing this. She is implying I am abusive. You then waded in with your 'mind games' comment and how great your DDs have turned out. I'm really pleased for you but that doesn't mean my DC won't turn out ok because I don't do what you did and reason with them.

MrsBethel · 11/02/2013 11:50

stradbally
I completely agree with you. Obv I don't laugh at other parents, but from the tone of your OP neither do you.

IMO solely reasoning with toddlers is the biggest parenting problem at the moment. Kids need some authority from their parents. It's that authority that they will eventually internalise and develop into a conscience.

If you're reasoning with a tantrumming toddler, you may as well be reasoning with a stray cat, or a wonky trolley wheel.

If you can't "do" authority, and all you can do is appeal to reason, then, well. . . IMO you need to take steps to sort that out for their sake.

whimsicalmess · 11/02/2013 11:56

I sort of agree with you, when a child is in the that level of rage, which is exactly what it is, like a raging adult you can't reason with them.

What I do is calmly state my point firstly, then pick them up if needed.

ApocalypseThen · 11/02/2013 12:23

Er Actually Pam no I was not.

You most certainly did.

Goldenbear · 11/02/2013 12:31

'MrsBethel*, I think that is a bit dramatic. I parent talking to a child- 'the horror, the horror.'

My parents didn't really 'do authority', well in the sense that they didn't want us to not question anything. We both turned out fine - we have a conscience, well adjusted etc. My mum only insisted on us behaving kindly. She was a teacher and I know she was very kind to her pupils in her special needs class- some of whom had very difficult backgrounds. We lived quite near to where she worked and ex pupils would come up to her to say hello and ask how she was as she was clearly thought of fondly and remembered for the kindness she had shown.

Goldenbear · 11/02/2013 12:40

Apocolaypse sorry but I'm not sure you can take some moral high ground when you were very offensive indeed, calling people that do things differently to you, 'pathetic' . I'm not intidmidated by aggressive name calling so you turn it on its head and make out you're some kind of victim because you clearly can't cope with people questioning your attitude.

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 11/02/2013 12:41

golden I'm linking arms with you. Some push authority, I have my moments. It is sometimes appropriate, road safety, treatment of little babies etc. but kids learn by mimicking, so showing, respect, kindness & coaching them rather than ordering them breeds this type of behaviours. I want my child to be kind and respectful.

If I don't show them this they risk feeling frustrated & disenfranchised, becoming bossy so & sos who push people around to get their own way.

I would reason, give a chance, warn what would happen, the enforce. If appropriate that would be pick up & carry off/strap in, but nothing wrong with showing respect & giving a chance to calm down first.

SocialClimber · 11/02/2013 12:52

The Look. You all need to learn The Look.

Never failed me in 10 years.

Goldenbear · 11/02/2013 12:53

This is a very rare moment for me Babies- being agreed with on Mumsnet, I might have to print this off and frame it!

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 11/02/2013 12:58
Grin
ApocalypseThen · 11/02/2013 12:59

Apocolaypse sorry but I'm not sure you can take some moral high ground when you were very offensive indeed,

Goldenbear. I did not address you directly until you decided to passively-aggressively attack me by saying that you're glad to not be like me. That was extraordinarily rude. I'm not painting myself as a victim, I'm very clearly saying that your conception of yourself and your role in this thread is very wide of the mark.

And yes, I do think that parents who negotiate with children who are better at negotiation than them are pathetic.

forevergreek · 11/02/2013 13:02

I agree too with g

forevergreek · 11/02/2013 13:04

I agree too with golden.
I don't want to spend my life shouting and being authorities. Yes I'm the adult but does that mean I'm always right? Of course not

Children copy behaviour and I wouldn't want them thinking they can push people around and order them to do things.

MrsBethel · 11/02/2013 13:06

golden

I'm all for the talking. Whenever I give the kids 'the look' as social describes it, I always have a chat with them about it once they've calmed down.

My mum sounds quite like yours. She didn't "do" authority either, but still the best mum ever IMO.