Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to laugh at parents who try to reason with a toddler having a tantrum?

213 replies

stradbally · 10/02/2013 15:15

Mummy: "It's time to leave the park now DS/DD, I did say 20 minutes and you've had 25, and we have to go to Tesco on the way home to buy yummy food for dinner, so please get in the buggy, you can see Millie/Billy tomorrow, say bye bye now etc etc ......."

DS/DD: "Waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaa while rolling on the ground or doing that running on the spot thing

Mummy, in weird uber-controlled voice: I understand you're tired and playing in the park is lots of fun but we do want lovely dinner don't we, so please get in the buggy etc etc on and on..........

DS/DD: Waaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaaaa

I see it all the time, it's hilarious. I'm all for talking properly to children and explaining things etc, but seriously when they're in that state it won't go in! Just pick them up, quick cuddle, plonk them in the buggy and go!

OP posts:
Illgetmegoat · 10/02/2013 23:14

I'll tell you what you would have laughed at OP - the look on my face when I realised I had accidentally trained the eldest to the whistle!
We were leaving the park and I whistled the dogs to get them back on the lead before getting DS, as soon as I peeped he jumped out of the sand and ran over to me as fast as his little legs would carry him. The collective look of surprise and disgust I got from the other parents was a little bit special.

It all depends which child is having an abdab - sometimes being heard and reassured is the order of the day but our DD just wants to make noise and let the world know how cross she is about mummy's grave injustice - she leans toward a fiery and quick temper, she feels things intensely but quickly and needs to let the head off before she can hear you. She is not interested - it's already too late by the time she starts! She doesn't yet accept that her plans have to change because we can't all stay tired and cold because she wants to climb another tree or whatever.
The boys tend to be more slow burning, if I can get in quickly so they can tell me why I am terrible for making them stop then we will rarely have a tantrum - but if we do then they will tend a grudge like it's precious treasure and every single thing will be fuel for the fire of ill feeling - they thrive on the feelings of control and inclusion that discussion creates. I'm very much in the do what works for your child camp, as if there can be any other.

ditziness · 10/02/2013 23:17

I was being sarcastic in the main! And yes, patronising too. That was intentional. But also genuine! Really strange to read a thread discussing the theories from those two books without any reference to them!

Can't believe you've not read unconditional parenting wannabe! :-)

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 23:21

I didn't punish her, I don't punish either of my DC tbh. I used to with DS but that was because I read books that were just money spinners, appealing to the desperate.

I said it hurt and it makes me sad, like it was making her brother evidently sad when she was biting him. He was sad, what do you expect me to tell her 4 year old brother at the time- that he shouldn't be sad, even if that's his natural reaction. Of course I explained her age and not realising what she was doing but I can't stop him expressing another human emotion as a response to being bitten. He is hurt and evidently sad. I was/ am attributing a word to this demonstrative reaction. It is an explanation of a valid emotion. Sadness is not something that has negative connotations in my mind and it has nothing to do with showing unconditional love to my DC or withholding it.

I'm not sure how strapping someone in a pushchair and explaining there are just some things we have to do is a superior response, please elaborate.

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 23:24

Apocalypse, you evidently don't it to the adults with your bread and jam dinners as a result of misbehaving in a supermarket. I'm very proud to say I've never used food as a punishment - despicable!

McNewPants2013 · 10/02/2013 23:25

I find bribery good, if we leave the park no mummy will buy cake

ditziness · 10/02/2013 23:25

Goldenbear, read unconditional parenting , it'll answer your questions.

Btw, I know there's more to parenting/ life than reading books. Just genuinely amazed that nobody arguing about these ideas has read they've full text. I thought they were very popular/ common on mumsnet.

ditziness · 10/02/2013 23:27

Sorry, that should read " the full text". Predictive text mistake

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/02/2013 23:27

I'm not sure how strapping someone in a pushchair and explaining there are just some things we have to do is a superior response, please elaborate.

I have never once advocated this as a solution.

But there does come a point where you cannot stand in the park trying to explain something any longer. At that point I feel it is my duty as a parent to end the stalemate and remove us both from the situation. I have never strapped a planking child into a buggy. But I have lifted a screaming toddler and walked them back to the car pushing the pram with one hand.

And I laughed as I did it. Because it is utterly ridiculous and if you didnt laugh you would cry.

ApocalypseThen · 10/02/2013 23:30

Apocalypse, you evidently don't it to the adults with your bread and jam dinners as a result of misbehaving in a supermarket. I'm very proud to say I've never used food as a punishment - despicable!

No, that's not what I said at all. I suggest you read more carefully. I don't try to cajole children into doing what I want, I let them make decisions. If they can't behave when we're buying food or going to do it, we eat what we have in the house. They can choose -we go to the shop or we don't. The bread and jam isn't a punishment, it's a consequence of their choice.

badtemperedaldbitch · 10/02/2013 23:30

I was minding a friends dd who decided to tantrum in the supermarket.

I said 'what on earth are you doing?
'having a tantrum'
So I said...okay when you've finished I'll be by the bananas

She soon stopped and didn't try that again!

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 23:35

So I did reason with my DD the other day and do reason with her and haven't once had a situation where It hasn't subsided within seconds as a result of the reasoning. Your method is superior because you have carried your child whilst screaming back to the car and have laughed at her whilst doing so and this isn't a damaging response because the book says so. Oh please, get an imagination and understand why that sounds ridiculous.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/02/2013 23:38

I have not once said my way is superior.

Nor have I once been rude to you.

I am human. I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. I simply pointed out that children shouldnt be made to feel responsible for their parents feelings.

You went immediately on the defensive. Why?

AmberSocks · 10/02/2013 23:42

pffft.i dont get all this fuss over parenting.Just do what works for you ffs.

Mine werent bad with tantrums,my eldest had bad ones when leaving somewhere,then realised,where am i rushing to?im a sahm,i just made sure i always had plenty of snacks nappies wipes or whatever and stayed as long as the kids wanted to,its not like i had anything better to do!

The power stuggle stops when the person with the power stops stuggling!

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 23:42

Apocalypse, so their immature behaviour that should be very much expected of children results in a consequence to do with feeding them or not a decent meal? No, I still don't see how that logic is fair, sorry. Just feed you children a balanced meal and fulfill a duty of care to the children you decided to have. If that's not passive aggressive behaviour, I don't know what is.

AmberSocks · 10/02/2013 23:44

positive reinforcement is better than threats too imo

"lets get home quickly and we will just catch octonauts!"

instead of

"if you dont come here now there will be no tv when we get home"

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/02/2013 23:45

Bread and jam for dinner once in a while never did any one a bit of harm. God.

ApocalypseThen · 10/02/2013 23:46

A bit of bread now and again is going to scar them for life. Also, they tend to have a very quick think and moderate their behaviour once the choice is given, so I haven't had to RUIN THEIR LIVES AND THEIR HEALTH BY NEGLECTING MY SACRED DUTY TO FEED THEM PROPERLY more than once because they know I always follow through.

Also, it's not passive aggressive.

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 23:49

Wannabe, you were pretty offensive in your first response to me- advising me to visit the Stately homes threads as my parenting style was something akin to being abusive presumably. Yes I find that pretty offensive but I think you probably know that - the feigned ignorance is pretty low.

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 23:54

Yes but it's not about the bread is it it's about your children realising a harsh consequence as a result of your rather high expectations. Ultimately it is mean but that's ok and not damaging at all is it?? How exactly is that unconditional love?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/02/2013 23:58

No no. I used that thread as an example of how the train of thought you expressed can and does lead to adults who have issues. And I stand by that. Its not rude. Its my opinion.

Telling me to "get an imagination" and purposely mis interpreting my posts in order to make a point, is rude.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/02/2013 00:00

Also, re the bread. Letting your children deal with consequence is not the same as punishing them.

oldwomanwholivesinashoe · 11/02/2013 00:05

I have 5 children and can see both sides here! I understand why parents try to reason with toddlers because it makes us feel calm and in control (well outwardly!!) and it works with some children. But equally, trying to reason with a toddler is like, well, whoever compared it to "spreading butter with a fork" was on the right lines! I have had both types of children (the ones who will listen to reason and those who will not!) and so can appreciate why people are convinced one method works. I don't have any parenting advice other than thinking you can apply one particular parenting style to every child is impossible and will only lead to headbanging (the parents, not the child.)
But my main issue here is that the OP was trying to be lighthearted about an aspect of parenting that is fraught to say the least and she is being judged as, well, judgmental! Toddlers are unpredictable beasts and can instinctively sense weakness like a lion smelling blood. We parents should all stick together against this common enemy!! (and this is meant in a purely lighthearted way as I do not look upon my offspring as "the enemy!")

Goldenbear · 11/02/2013 00:15

I was explaining my opinion how a child being laughed at whilst they are tantrumming can be very damaging indeed. Using your imagination to understand why that might be true is a valid point as you seem hell bent on thinking such negative reactions towards your child's tantrums are healthy and good. Can you not see how that might not be the case at all, in fact the opposite. Forget what the book says and use your imagination in this context.

I doubt very much that someone posts in 'Stately homes' about their mother using the word, 'sad' to describe a very valid human response to behaviour they exhibited. It is a descriptive word, just like hurt is. Yes misusing it is damaging but that is not what I'm doing. It is right in my mind to attribute words to human emotions as it is part of an education.

Thingiebob · 11/02/2013 00:27

Depends on age of toddler. When my DD was 2, reasoning wouldn't have worked. Lucky she didn't throw many of them. Now at the age of 3, I do cuddle her and talk to her calmly and try to 'engage her higher brain functions'. Usually this works. If she is throwing a tantrum as she is not getting her own way and I can tell she is putting it on, then I count to three. At three there will be consequences. Again, pretty effective.

There is no way I would physically wrestle her into a buggy though. Not only is she too heavy but it would be distressing for both of us.

I got a lot of useful tips from Margot Sunderland's book 'The Science of Parenting'.

Goldenbear · 11/02/2013 00:32

Wannabe, it is not always acceptable in a civilised society to let a child deal with natural consequences as the consequence may have a disprortionate effect on their health and well being. I think food is one of those areas that this is the case if it is not going to result in an acceptable dinner for a young child. It is the same with areas such as road safety- if they're intent on scooting into the road you cannot let them realise the consequence. Or if they intent on using a knife to cut their own food at a young age you cannot let them do so if the consequence will almost certainly be a cut finger.

I'm sorry but I don't see how having bread and jam for dinner is not a punishment if you can afford and where intially going to buy a 'proper' dinner. It is saying to the child you behaved like this so you get this bread as a result - how is that not punishing?? It's an argument in semantics.