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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to laugh at parents who try to reason with a toddler having a tantrum?

213 replies

stradbally · 10/02/2013 15:15

Mummy: "It's time to leave the park now DS/DD, I did say 20 minutes and you've had 25, and we have to go to Tesco on the way home to buy yummy food for dinner, so please get in the buggy, you can see Millie/Billy tomorrow, say bye bye now etc etc ......."

DS/DD: "Waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaa while rolling on the ground or doing that running on the spot thing

Mummy, in weird uber-controlled voice: I understand you're tired and playing in the park is lots of fun but we do want lovely dinner don't we, so please get in the buggy etc etc on and on..........

DS/DD: Waaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaaaa

I see it all the time, it's hilarious. I'm all for talking properly to children and explaining things etc, but seriously when they're in that state it won't go in! Just pick them up, quick cuddle, plonk them in the buggy and go!

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 16:51

I would never say to my DD that it makes me sad if she has taken a toy off another child. I would say that it makes the child sad- because it does.

In the situation I was describing it was making ME sad as I had to push a buggy up a hill whilst carrying a 22 month when it was completely unecessary!

When she used to bite me (she was about 15 months) I said it made me sad because it did.

TheCountessOlenska · 10/02/2013 16:51

I think we all do the best we can really - some days I sound exactly like the OP described, other days I will physically wrestle into pushchair (well, not now but when DD was just 2 - now I would probably grab firmly by the arm and march off). I don't really have a parenting "technique".

(I do agree a bit about not attaching bad behaviour to Mummy's feelings - my mum did this, and I don't like it when she does it to DD i.e "don't do that, it makes Mummy/ Granny sad", just makes me feel a bit icky - although saying that I had a lovely childhood and am not on the stately homes thread Grin)

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 16:58

Don't parents have feelings then? I think it is important that a child understands that they are human being and have feelings that can be hurt, just like them. It is very simplistic language and so may sound 'icky' but that's the reality of talking to a 1 year old (nearly 2) in my case.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 10/02/2013 17:00

so it is ok for your children to understand others feelings in relation to their actions but Mum is different? Nooe I don't get the dinstinction, there is a world of difference in a 3 yo knowing that screaming at Mummy instead of putting on their coat makes mummy sad (and the child cold!) and the child feeling responsible for their mothers happiness! I felt responsible for my mum cos she spent hours telling me her feelings and how lonely, miserable, trapped in her marriage she wasAngry . THAT is being made responsible not being taught cause and effect.

kickassmomma · 10/02/2013 17:01

I reason with my toddler everytime she has a tantrum! Wana come laugh at me? Coz u won't be laughing for long! Her tea trims last less than a minute coz my reasoning works really well! Go on come laugh at me then il laugh back when This awesome technique works Smile

Yfronts · 10/02/2013 17:06

I have to admit to prewarning my child a few mins before they have to leave and explaining what is going to happen after we leave. When we do have to leave a few mins later, I occasionally might have to count to four to get them moving but mostly my little ones leave without fuss. I don't think that would work with all kids though.

Habanada · 10/02/2013 17:08

I quite often do it just to amuse the adults around me. I'm the Michael McIntyre of toddler tantrums Grin

Believeitornot · 10/02/2013 17:09

YABU

It's either that or scream at them Grin

Many do it because theyre embarassed and people like you are watching them.

When my little one kicks off, I pick them up and go go go ie get out of there!

DoJo · 10/02/2013 17:41

Personally I laugh when I see parents who think that having children of their own makes them experts in parenting other people's kids, as though their approach would work on any child they came across, or perhaps that there is only one way to get the desired outcome.

DialsMavis · 10/02/2013 17:54

I agree with you OP, Married and LaQueen. I always tell DD what we are going to do, explain why we are doing it and where appropriate offer her choices.

But when it's time to do what whatever it is: I ask her to do said thing, then tell her to do it, then if she doesn't do it I pick her her up and off we go. Smile

Clytaemnestra · 10/02/2013 18:03

Seriously though, no one has explained yet how to pick up a three year old who doesn't want to be picked up? I'm 5'2 , she's 3'4 and she is STRONG. Plus she sticks her arms straight above her head so you can't grip her under her arms for leverage. Theoretically I could do a fireman's carry, but I really don't fancy it.

TheSkiingGardener · 10/02/2013 18:28

Hmm, so there are lots of different people who do it different ways with their different children. And it seems to be working for everybody!

Kids are people, not clones of each other. Who would've thunk it?

chris481 · 10/02/2013 18:57

I have below average ability to get 2.5 year old out of the park, but in defence of OP, I was reading "123 Magic Effective Discipline for Children 2-12" last week and it categorically said that what you do not do with a child in the age range is reason or explain. (Unless they genuinely don't understand/know that they are doing something you don't want them to.)

BertieBotts · 10/02/2013 19:19

Different things work for different people though? I agree it's a bit pointless to reason once they're past the stage of reasoning. But the parents quoted in the OP don't sound like they're reasoning to me, more explaining/trying to remind child that it's not all bad that we need to go because XYZ.

I tended to go for the prewarning of "you have time for two more things" variety and then DS was usually happy to come along because he knew that after one swing and one slide it was time to go. Or whatever.

Also I disagree with 123 magic if that's what it says. Age-appropriate reason and explanation works wonders with the under-3s as long as you use it properly.

sherazade · 10/02/2013 19:23

YADNBU. At all.
In my class at drop off time in the morning , there's a 2 yo who refuses to go home with her mum as her 5 yo sis is being dropped off. Her mum spends half an hour or more 'reasoning' with her from a distance and engaging in longgg attempts at persuasion. I find it annoying. And yes I've had toddlers and I have been in the same position when dd1 who was being dropped off to nursery, dd2 , age 2 then would scream and cry to stay. I would plonk her in the buggy and go after a quick 5 minute play, despite her cries and efforts to resist. I would soothe her whilst she was crying but no meant no.

NutellaNutter · 10/02/2013 19:53

OP brought a smile to my face. YANBU.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 10/02/2013 20:03

If I picked DS up and gave him a cuddle while he was having a tantrum not only would I get a head butt or hair pulled etc, I would also be telling him that it's okay to act like that.

I'll stick to reasoning and ignoring, thanks.

LaQueen · 10/02/2013 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 20:12

To all those who find it annoying to see/hear a toddler being reasoned with- why do you? In my case I wouldn't care less if you did hey annoyed by it. I don't like to see toddlers shoved in pushchairs by the no means no brigade and total disregard for the child's feelings.

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 20:16

Yes but LaQueen myself and others have said that it does work with our toddlers, perhaps not with yours but with mine- yes.

LaQueen · 10/02/2013 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenoftheHolly · 10/02/2013 20:27

A friend came for tea with her toddler (a boy). We have loose tiles around fireplace which he became obsessed with. (Fire not lit I hasten to add)

Friend: Darling please can you put the tile back now?
Her DS: NO! Mummy do it.

She got up (holding new born baby) scrabbled round on floor to put tile back. She was closer than I was as I had obv jumped up to do it.

Repeat.

Now DS picks up tile, runs off, throws on floor.

Friend: Darling, please listen to me. You might drop it & then it would smash?
DS: (eyes lighting up) Ok!!

Grin I appreciate no one wants a screaming row with a toddler but surely that 'reasoning' is flawed!

sherazade · 10/02/2013 20:32

It impinged on me when a friend's toddler was scribbling all over my walls and carpet whilst her mum was saying 'dd, please can you give back the pens, your spoiling sherazade's carpet/ dd if you give me back the pins I'll give you xyz', as her dd was given free reign to scribble.

sherazade · 10/02/2013 20:32

pens*

sherazade · 10/02/2013 20:34

she then hastened to follow her dd around with a sponge, cleaning off the scribble as she went along. And I was left feeling pretty annoyed about the carpet and the fact that we never had a grown up conversation during her visit as the whole time was spent listen to her reason with her dd .