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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at DP re. our finances and his week away?

129 replies

Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:14

DP & I have been together almost 2 years. A couple of weeks ago he moved in with me in the house I own, which has been a real big deal for both of us; for him because he has never lived with anyone before and for me because of trust issues caused by a cocklodging ex who didn't pay his way. I was adamant that I wanted an equal 50/50 relationship this time around in terms of finances and he was adamant that he would never take the piss with money.

This month has turned out to be an expensive month with various family commitments and buying new furniture to accommodate his belongings, etc, so we've already exceeded our 'food and household' budget for the month, with 18 days to go until payday. We earn a similar salary, the only difference being that I have access to credit and he doesn't, so it looks like it will fall on my shoulders to subsidize the budget. He was keen to stress that as soon as he got paid he would immediately pay me back half the overspend and while I don't doubt he will, it seems likely he'll be back in exactly the same situation running out of money before the subsequent payday because March also has several sizable financial commitments that we can't ignore.

Both of us love spending time with friends (many of them mutual friends), but recently I have turned down many nights out and things that would cost a lot of money because my priority is our home life. Today DP comes home from work and announces that at half term - when I'd really been looking forward to spending some time with him - he's going to go and stay with one of his friends for the week. This friend lives a 600 mile round trip away, so god knows how much petrol money that is, plus this friend is what his sister and several of our friends refer to as a 'force nine disaster zone'. He's the same age as us (33), yet he lives in a grotty shared house with his two band mates who do nothing except get wasted every night and sleep all day. I know exactly what his week away will entail - getting off his faces and spending a fortune on drink and drugs. Apparently this friend is in a bad way because all he wants is "someone to settle down with and a place to call home" (ie: exactly what DP has with me) but he's been saying this for years and he never does anything to help himself.

There are several activities that I wanted DP and I to do together over half term which he deemed "to expensive", yet he suddenly has the money to go and get wankered with his fucked up friend for a week? This is out of character for him and has taken me by surprise. Otherwise our relationship is good. AIBU to tell him he's being selfish and that I think he's got his priorities skewed?

OP posts:
eslteacher · 06/02/2013 19:23

Do you have completely joint finances now, then? Or you both just pay an equal amount of money into a pot for the house/food/shared expenses, and keep the rest of your finances separate?

nefertarii · 06/02/2013 19:28

Tbh It doesn't come across that either of you are great with money.

Why can the furniture not wait? What are the family commitments? Why the need to get into debt for furniture and family things.

Ywbu to call him selfish. Ywnbu to discuss your concerns with him like adults.

I would also really look into waiting to buy things that will put you in debt.

Kat101 · 06/02/2013 19:28

YANBU - though it sounds like he didnt know you'd made plans for halfterm.

Have you been to a solicitor, got your house protected so that he has no claim on it in the future? That would be an absolute priority for me. Getting off your face on drink and drugs also rings those good ol alarm bells. Are you sure this is what you want to sign up for?

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:29

We have a pot for house/food/shared expenses, and keep the rest of your finances separate. And if he had money left in his 'separate' pot then fine, but because has debts / runs a car, etc his separate money is swallowed very quickly. To clarify, he was zero left in his bank account until 24th February.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 06/02/2013 19:30

His priorities ARE skewed. I suspect you've found yourself another cocklodger. Ask him to move out again, as this is not what you signed up for.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:32

nefertarii

Why can't the furniture not wait? Because there was literally nowhere for him to put his belongings. We didn't buy expensive stuff, just what was necessary so we weren't living in chaos.

The family commitments were my fathers 70th birthday, his only nephews christening and our mutual best friend's 40th all of which we would have felt mean not to buy presents for and were expensive to travel to.

OP posts:
MrsWolowitzerables · 06/02/2013 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frustratedworkingmum · 06/02/2013 19:36

wow he sounds like a catch!

alarkaspree · 06/02/2013 19:36

I think you need to find a way to not be financially subsidising him two weeks into this new phase in your relationship. Maybe you were a little gung-ho with the furniture, can you cancel or return any of it so that you have enough to get by without him borrowing from you?

If he can then afford to go to visit his friend without you subsidising it in any way, I think you'd be unreasonable to try to stop him. The activities that you wanted to do but he didn't are irrelevant really - he probably thought they were too expensive because he wasn't that interested in them.

redskyatnight · 06/02/2013 19:36

If DH has zero money in his bank account, how is he expecting to fund this week away? He either has money in his account you don't know about or his friend is paying for him. Either way can't see a problem money wise. If he's expecting to take money out of the household budget I agree this is a no no.

I think if you'd wanted to do stuff with him at half term you should have discussed it with him before now. Can you split the week between spending time together and him spending some with friend? (why half term btw, are you teachers?)

I think you both need a proper talk about finances in any case - why have you gone overbudget for this month - couldn't furniture have waited? What family committments were they that costed so much?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 06/02/2013 19:36

If he can't get credit and has no money in his account, how will he actually go? Think I have missed something.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:39

redsky & doctrine to clarify, he gets paid the day before he plans to go away...so he will have money in his account, but after he's shelled out to go away, plus what he will owe me for the excess I've spend on food, he'll most likely be broke for 3 weeks out of 4 until the next pay day, and my birthday falls in those 3 weeks. Ho hum...

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:40

And yes, we are teachers.

OP posts:
newbiefrugalgal · 06/02/2013 19:40

He can't go and you need to have an adult talk with him about this.
This sort if trip can happen at anytime, its not the end of the world if he doesn't go.
A conversation with him might show you where his real priorities lie.

I'm afraid to say this but not looking good when its only been a month??

nefertarii · 06/02/2013 19:41

op the furniture was not a must. It could have waited until next month.
You could have apologised and not gone to some functions. Sorry but I have missed large family gatherings because I wouldn't want to get into debt.

I am pointing out that while he sounds crap with money, I think you need to think about getting into debt. Especially on a promise from someone who has no money.
I think BOTH of you need to prioritise better. Imo of course.

redskyatnight · 06/02/2013 19:44

Where was he living before? He must have some concept of having to pay money for rent/bills/food?

I think you need to sit down and work out a proper budget. Maybe get your salaries paid into your "household" account and then transfer the money out from yourselves. Then the money that isn't free for discretionary spending is never in your accounts iyswim.

Kat101 · 06/02/2013 19:44

Also, does he have any ccjs etc against him? You have to be really careful you are not financially linked - his debts could really badly affect your credit rating.

nefertarii · 06/02/2013 19:45

I also agree with the previous poster. He has money you don't know about.
Or you won't get the money he owes you next month pr possibly the even the month after.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:45

Redsky

He was living literally on a peppercorn rent in a shared house owned by his friend - £270 rent/bills the lot all in!

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:47

Kat101

He doesn't have CCJs. He has a poor credit rating through because he's gone over his overdraft a lot and incurred bank charges.

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:49

He pays £500 at mine for half the mortgage / bills / food. We sat down before he moved in and worked that out as exactly half. He agreed that was fair and that he was comfortable paying it.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 06/02/2013 19:49

OP - what did you say when he told you?

Adversecamber · 06/02/2013 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goingupinsnow · 06/02/2013 19:50

I'd have alarm bells running not because of him going away etc, but due to the fact you are 2 years in a relationship and already bickering over money? doesn't sound good so far Sad

goingupinsnow · 06/02/2013 19:50

ringing even!