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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at DP re. our finances and his week away?

129 replies

Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:14

DP & I have been together almost 2 years. A couple of weeks ago he moved in with me in the house I own, which has been a real big deal for both of us; for him because he has never lived with anyone before and for me because of trust issues caused by a cocklodging ex who didn't pay his way. I was adamant that I wanted an equal 50/50 relationship this time around in terms of finances and he was adamant that he would never take the piss with money.

This month has turned out to be an expensive month with various family commitments and buying new furniture to accommodate his belongings, etc, so we've already exceeded our 'food and household' budget for the month, with 18 days to go until payday. We earn a similar salary, the only difference being that I have access to credit and he doesn't, so it looks like it will fall on my shoulders to subsidize the budget. He was keen to stress that as soon as he got paid he would immediately pay me back half the overspend and while I don't doubt he will, it seems likely he'll be back in exactly the same situation running out of money before the subsequent payday because March also has several sizable financial commitments that we can't ignore.

Both of us love spending time with friends (many of them mutual friends), but recently I have turned down many nights out and things that would cost a lot of money because my priority is our home life. Today DP comes home from work and announces that at half term - when I'd really been looking forward to spending some time with him - he's going to go and stay with one of his friends for the week. This friend lives a 600 mile round trip away, so god knows how much petrol money that is, plus this friend is what his sister and several of our friends refer to as a 'force nine disaster zone'. He's the same age as us (33), yet he lives in a grotty shared house with his two band mates who do nothing except get wasted every night and sleep all day. I know exactly what his week away will entail - getting off his faces and spending a fortune on drink and drugs. Apparently this friend is in a bad way because all he wants is "someone to settle down with and a place to call home" (ie: exactly what DP has with me) but he's been saying this for years and he never does anything to help himself.

There are several activities that I wanted DP and I to do together over half term which he deemed "to expensive", yet he suddenly has the money to go and get wankered with his fucked up friend for a week? This is out of character for him and has taken me by surprise. Otherwise our relationship is good. AIBU to tell him he's being selfish and that I think he's got his priorities skewed?

OP posts:
dayshiftdoris · 06/02/2013 19:51

This:
I know exactly what his week away will entail - getting off his faces and spending a fortune on drink and drugs.

And:
And yes, we are teachers.

Should NEVER be uttered by the same person...

You are PROFESSIONALS with responsibility for children and quite frankly I wouldn't leave a goldfish with you. You dont deserve to be in a position where you are trusted and if I ever discovered that one of my son's teachers was spending their half term 'getting of their faces on drink & drugs' then I would be removing my child from your care until such a time you were not in that position of responsibility.

Grow up the pair of you.

Adversecamber · 06/02/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:53

I said: "I can't pretend I'm happy. I've turned down a lot of things recently because we don't have the money."
He said: "You can't keep me in a box!" like he was trying to turn it round into me being possessive.
I was so mad I was physically shaking.
He said: "I'm uncomfortable with this" then went and sat outside in his car for 20 minutes so we could both calm down. (Both of us hate raising our voices and didn't want it to escalate to that)
That was about 3 hours ago and since then we've been staying out of each others' way, managing the odd civil comment to each other...

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 06/02/2013 19:55

It's not off to a great financial start from him is it? I would have serious concerns that this is how it will be. Every month.

I'd have to spell it out to him. And honestly, if he can't see that he absolutely can't afford this week away and prioritises that over spending time as a family unit, I would question his commitment.

A week is a long time away for what he (seemingly) plans to do.

hermioneweasley · 06/02/2013 19:55

Esther - you've got another prize pig here sweetheart. Tell him to sling his hook and find someone else to mooch off.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:55

Adverse

His take home pay is £1250 per month, which would allow him plenty of spending money if it wasn't for running the car (I walk to work he can't) plus debt repayments to the bank and a friend.

OP posts:
nefertarii · 06/02/2013 19:57

op I get you are annoyed and I would be. But honestly 'shaking with anger' is an over reaction. If he pays you your money and his half of the bills the week away doesn't matter (when it comes to money) does it?

Is it just about the money or where he is going?

Whoknowswhocares · 06/02/2013 19:58

Tbh it doesn't sound like you learnt your lesson with the ex! Why on earth would you sub him money for non essentials having been burned in the past? Thats just asking for trouble!

You need a proper discussion. You had a plan before he moved in. If one month one he isn't sticking to it, then either the plan was unrealistic or he is taking the piss. Find out which one it is

Going away is a separate issue. As long as he pays you what he owes and his bills, It is up to him what he does with his time and leftover cash! The fact that you don't approve of his friend is irrelevant, However reasonable it is to feel hurt that he wants to go there instead of doing things with you, you cannot alter this fact and would be unreasonable to try to prevent him going. Whether you want to be with someone who would prefer to be with his drinking/drug taking mate than you of course is a choice you are free to make

Good luck

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:59

Nefertarii

It's principally about the money.

If he could afford to go, then I'd have no right to say whether he could or not, despite the choice of destination being pretty dismal in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 20:02

Dayshiftdoris Just to clarify, I don't get off my face on drink or drugs, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 20:05

Doris you might be surprised how many teachers DO get absolutely wasted at the weekend and holidays, such is the stress of the job.

The sad fact is that at least 80% of my DPs pupils parents in his inner city school are hard drug addicts who really couldn't give a shit what their child is doing, let alone their child's teacher, but that's another thread...

OP posts:
dayshiftdoris · 06/02/2013 20:05

No Ester but you are aware of another professional is a position of authority who does and as he is so rubbish with money you effectively bankroll it...

That makes YOU as culpable as him in my book...

nefertarii · 06/02/2013 20:06

Tbh op (and again this is only my opinion) you do have a right to say you don't want him spending a week getting off his face on drink and drugs.

Personally I wouldn't accept it. I don't agree with keeping people in a box. However drugs is a deal breaker for me.

Whocansay · 06/02/2013 20:08

Manchild. You don't want to settle down and have children with this one. Ditch.

He's deliberately missing the point and making you out to be some bitch who's stopping him having fun. Rather than facing the fact that he can't afford it. Life's way too short to be dealing with this.

dayshiftdoris · 06/02/2013 20:10

UNBELIEVABLE...

Its OK because the job is stressful and the parents are addicted anyway???

This makes it ok??

Those children are MORE vulnerable and need better role models... I am deeply affronted that instead you justify his behaviour using their unfortunate circumstances.

I am not surprised by any amount of teacher, nurse, midwives, doctor, police officers or whoever using drugs but I don;t believe they should be in positions of responsibility... you are not entitled to 'have a life' regardless of your job...

DoItToJulia · 06/02/2013 20:12

Most of the teachers I know have got or do get wasted in their own private time. Not ideal, but reality. I don't think it's the ops fault that this is what her DP wants to do.

scarlettsmummy2 · 06/02/2013 20:12

How did you pay all you bills before he moved in??? Did you live on £250 a month?

scarlettsmummy2 · 06/02/2013 20:15

And agree that his behaviour is appalling- lots of us have stressful jobs, I also work directly with children of addicts and have never felt the need to spend my weekends getting fucked- he obviously just hasn't grown up! It's bollocks its because he is stressed, at least be honest and say its because he has a good time!!Angry

RafflesWay · 06/02/2013 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dayshiftdoris · 06/02/2013 20:22

I was a midwife.. I understand the stress that a difficult and responsible job can put you under but I can not see how it gives you the excuse to abuse drugs nor would I support a colleague who I found was doing it...

The stakes of getting it wrong are too high... not just in midwifery but in teaching too... you are dealing with vulnerable, needy children at the end of the day.

It might not be OP's 'fault' but she is not only aware of it, she is bankrolling and is choosing to build her life with this man... it shows a distinct lack of insight into the damage that drugs can do and the responsibilities that her role brings.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 06/02/2013 20:29

Have you done a budget together? Did he say how much he thought the trip would cost and how he would still afford his commitments to your house?

Can you start a conversation along those lines ie this isn't about putting him in a box (WTAF - but we can come back to that) but about paying for things as discussed and agreed.

Dozer · 06/02/2013 20:31

How did you pay the bills etc before he moved in?

Have you looked at a cohabiting guide and set things up legally so it's clear that the house is yours?

He shouldn't be expecting you to subsidise him at this early stage of living together, especially if he knows about your ex. Unless he can pay up the following month he should ship out!

Xales · 06/02/2013 20:39

He is refusing to do stuff with you over the half term because it is 'too expensive'.

He is now happy to bugger off for the week, driving 600 miles, paying for the petrol plus all the other associated activities he needs to without you.

Within 2 months of moving in with you and getting his feet under the table he is announcing things to you and telling you that you are being unreasonable when you raise your arguments.

You really have a winner there don't you!

Xales · 06/02/2013 20:39

Oh and to add if he is like this when he has just moved in it aint gonna get any better...

RafflesWay · 06/02/2013 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.